Columns Feb 5, 2014 at 4:00 am



ERR-- On first reading the letter, I came to the conclusion that Dan did, that the primary problem was that the husband, a nice guy, was wronged. To believe this, we have to accept a world view that assumes women are the property of husbands, thus having sex with a married woman is doing something awful to the husband, that she's not a free agent in what happened.

But what if there's an alternative explanation, One that goes like this: "I really liked this woman. I dated her, took her out several times, enjoyed her company, had sex with her once, enjoyed that, was falling for her, and wanted to see her again with the idea that she would become the primary romantic relationship in my life. Then I found out that she was married, that she never liked me in the way I liked her; she was toying with me, using me for sex, always knew that the relationship could never go in the direction she implied! I feel like shit! What kind of woman leads a man on like that when she was married the whole time?"

If you tell the story with the sexes reversed, if it was a woman discovering that she's been dating a married man, you get a reaction like the one I describe above. If that's it, you tell your employee/confidante that there are dishonest people in the world and that the best you can do is vet people more carefully at every step in a relationship. That might mean dating alone at first, then dating with friends along so you can meet them. It might mean insisting on seeing where your date lives pretty early in the relationship. A true POS can figure out ways to lie and mislead anyway, but it can't hurt to do your homework.
Perhaps RING could try what a pair of my close friends did. She is Catholic, he is a staunch atheist. Before their big church wedding with extended family, the priests who had helped her through rough patches in her life, and all her catholic friends from school, the couple had a private civil ceremony. They did invite a philosophical representative, who had a title like "Minister of the Church of Atheism".
The look on the priest's face when he went to sign the marriage license was one of the highlights of the day for the entire bridal party, and the couple still joke about it.
re @62: Griz back again. According to my amazing naturopath, it looks like I might well be on my way to having that simple procedure done. Everything seems to check out fine from the ultrasound test. However, no news yet from my new OB-GYN. More later.
Ahhhh---to be one snip closer to sanity!

A bit late here, but maybe the employer mentioned 'Mexican' to indicate another culture and their (sometimes) religious beliefs. I would go along with Dan's advise and add, perhaps going to confession would help the dude.
This is an extremely alarmist take on phthalates.

(1) Phthalates are only released from plastics at astronomically high temperatures. Unless ITCH's junk gets as hot as the inside of an active volcano when she orgasms, a phthalate-filled dildo isn't going to release any of those scary, scary phthalates into her.

(2) People get the majority of the phthalates found in their systems from their food (that food that's regulated so much more carefully than sex toys!), so worrying about whether they're in your sex toys or not is a huge red herring.

(3) Only extremely high concentrations of phthalates have been shown to be harmful to the endocrine system. You know what else is harmful at extremely high concentrations? Everything. Just about every ingredient on your multivitamin is toxic if you get too much of it. Hell, you can die if you get too much water.
@113 Obviously there has to be more to it than that because they've had to change everything from bottles to pacifiers to water bottles to reduce consumer exposure to phthalates.

As for food- don't buy canned food unless the lining is BPA free (especially tomatoes). Plenty of shelf stable food is available in TetraPaks. Drink bottled beer and remove frozen food from containers and place in microwave safe containers before nuking. Even if it's a steam bag or some other nonsense you can easily cook it in a bowl, just sprinkle a little water on it and stir half way through.
@112: Dan and his husband, Terry are already a couple of totally buff badasses. If you don't believe me, look online.
re @116: And Dan and Terry, please take that as a compliment from this crazy het chick!
Ms Grizelda - Although the spirit in which you meant post 116 was a charming compliment to the pair, I must protest (unless, of course, you meant that les maris are so preoccupied directing their energies at each other or the occasional -ish that there isn't sufficient left over for the column). By that standard, Bosie would have been the great writer and Oscar the rivulet. Or think how many more people are capable of resembling Mrs Woolf than writing like her.
Hey! If anyone is interested, please check out my blog, LGBTQuestions.
I write about what it is like being a gay high school student, among other things. I'm new to this, so any feedback at all would be super helpful! Thanks!
I usually think answers from Dan and his guests are bang on, but ITCH's answer was poor. The only choices are throw it in the dishwasher or get a new one?! Can we please have some proper suggestions for toys that can't be submerged in water, like vibrators? Is a baby-wipe enough? Soap and water? Or should we be getting out the bacterial hand gel or bleach? :P Thanks x
Just wanted to say a small thing in favor of using a coin toss to decide something, even something important.

If you use it *right*, it can be a non-trivial way to decide something. But using it right basically means using it to make yourself make a decision instead of waffling about it. If you flip a coin, and feel that the coin flip gave you the "wrong" answer, then... it probably did. If you feel it gave you the "right" answer, then... it probably did. If you truly don't have an opinion either way, then the coin makes the decision for you.

But, using it to decide whether or not to marry is.. probably, at the very least, something you should not tell your partner.
@121 I would caution against coin tossing in relationships only on the grounds that people generally want to think their partners choose them for concrete, specific reasons. I remember hearing the greatest trials of adulthood is learning your heroes are human, but a coin toss marriage might be one disillusionment too far.
@118 ven: Oh, dear. I really do mean the contents of my comment @116 regarding Dan and Terry being a simple, ordinary compliment, and just that!
Please---NO PC reading in between the lines, people!
Ms Grizelda - No worries.
Seandr, I just wanted to note that my 64-year-old mother has often told me "You seem to be afraid there's an age when people stop being attracted to you. There isn't."

As she's the one with the boyfriend who regularly entertains her at his flat in Paris, I kind of believe her. She wouldn't appeal to a much younger man, probably, but she wouldn't be interested in him either. A lot of people, male and female, prefer people around their own age. If you find women your own age more "agreeable", maybe you're the same.
RING: no matter how good it seems right now, religious nutcases aren't worth it.

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