Yes, I like to watch serial-killer shows on TV. SO WHAT?!? That doesn't make ME a serial killer. If anything, these shows actually stop me from serial-killingâbecause they always portray serial killers as very unlikable people. (Except for maybe Dexter... but he's only likable because he kills serial killers who are even more unlikable than him.) These murderers also tend to be super-weird; oftentimes you'll see them shouting nonsensical religious proclamations while wearing a bunny mask and/or a diaper. Other times, they may be extremely cold and calculatingâperhaps using their high political office to mask their murderous tendencies and cackle evilly. So you see? I'm neither of these things! I hate religion AND politicians! Therefore, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop looking at me that way every time I'm using an extremely sharp knife to carve the skin off an avocado.
However, I do understand your concern. There are A LOT of serial-killer shows out there right now, including (but not limited to) True Detective, The Bridge, The Killing, Bates Motel, The Following, Ripper Street, The Walking Deadâwhat? Every person in that show is serial-killing either humans OR zombies!
Anyway, if you're still not getting enough serial-killing in your daily diet, there are two shows coming on this week which may be of perverse interest: Hannibal (NBC, Fri Feb 28) which returns for its second season, and a brand-new entry, Those Who Kill (A&E, Mon March 3).
Based on the work of Danish crime novelist Elsebeth Egholm (the Danes DO love their serial murderers), Those Who Kill stars Big Love's Chloë Sevigny as homicide detective Catherine Jensen, who's given a super-creeeepy murder investigation right when she's trying to deal with the creeeepy disappearance of her brother. (Weeeeeird... wonder if they're connected?) While the trailer for this one is cram-packed with TV-serial-killer tropes, there's a palpable sense of horror and dread here that might make it worth killing an hour or two. (Preferably with hedge clippers.)
However, if you can bear to watch only one serial-killing show, Hannibal is a good choice. Based on the novel Red Dragon by Thomas Harris (which includes characters he later used in The Silence of the Lambs), Hannibal depicts the early relationship between psychologically fragile FBI profiler Will Graham (played by Hugh Dancy) and his psychiatrist helper/secret serial killer Dr. Hannibal Lecter (a brilliantly creepy Mads Mikkelsen). The pair are on the hunt for a murderer (Will! He's right there next to you!) who sticks antlers on his victims (seriously! The murderer is Dr. Lecter! Turn around!), and baffles the FBI at every turn (why are you so baffled? HE'S RIGHT THERE!). It's almost as if... the murderer knows every move the FBI is making (THAT'S BECAUSE HE DOES! THE MURDERER IS DR. LEC... oh forget it).
Despite the gory story line, Hannibal is also one of the best acted and gorgeously shot series on TV, and unlike the grotesque Criminal Minds (blech!!), the violence is never gratuitous. So give it tryâit's not gonna kill ya! (Heh, heh, hehhhhhhh.) (That wasn't me laughing... it was Hannibal Lecter! TURN AROUND!!! HE'S RIGHT THERE!!!) 
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26
9:30 ABC MIXOLOGY
Debut! A sitcom about singles from the guys who made The Hangover, which isnât as good as The Hangover.
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Season premiere! One of the best shows on TV returns, about a suburban pair of Russian spies. Donât miss it!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Jeff gives Professor Duncan tips on how to seduce Brittaâaaaand awkward high jinx ensue!
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
The most hilarious government soap returns with a new scandal that rocks the White House.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Season premiere! Will fights to prove his innocence, while Dr. Lecter smiles evilly.
SATURDAY, MARCH 1
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Tonight with musical guest Beck and host Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory).
SUNDAY, MARCH 2
5:30 ABC THE ACADEMY AWARDS
And if Matthew Motherfreaking McConaughey doesnât win, Iâm going to burn down the city!
9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE
Hart and Cohle kiss and make up to investigate a new series of disappearances.
MONDAY, MARCH 3
9:00 A&E BATES MOTEL
Season premiere! People! Look out! Norman Bates is standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!
10:00 A&E THOSE WHO KILL
Debut! A new serial-killer show in which the serial killer is probably RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!
TUESDAY, MARCH 4
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Coulson races to save Skye (which might involve a âmagical placeâ called Tahiti?).
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
One of the Crowe family disappears, and Raylan goes looking for himâwith a GUN.
IâM RIGHT THERE⊠on Twitter @WmSteveHumphrey
