I only require one thing from "science": the ability to pluck the eyeballs out of my head, roll them in cocaine, and stick them back in again. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH? Seriously! We sent a man to the moon! We invented internet porn! We discovered the Higgs bosonâwhich, in layperson's terms, is... umm... a... particle. That is... umm... physics. OKAY?? God, why do I have to explain everything to you people?!?
And yet! It's like I'm living in Neanderthal times, because I still cannot pluck my eyeballs out of my head, roll them in cocaine, and stick them back in again! WHY?? We discovered how to clone SHEEPâwhich McDonald's now uses every single day to make their Egg McMuffins! [Citation needed âEditors.]
Also! Just last week, NASA discovered 715 new planets. Before that time? They'd spotted only roughly 1,000 planets TOTAL. So. What does this say about our scientists? THAT... THEY... ARE... LAZY!! Before last week, they were obviously just sitting around, picking their bottoms, and dreaming up new and exciting ways to be LAZY. Then their supervisors (or maybe wives) came around and screamed, "What the FAWK, guys?? Do some motherfreaking 'science,' you useless bag of dicks!"
And so? BLAMMO: 715 new planets. Some of which will hopefully be discussed in the new Fox reboot of the classic series Cosmos (Sun March 9, 9 pm, also on National Geographic Channel).
Originally titled Cosmos: A Personal Voyage, starring the late Carl Sagan (which had a glorious run on PBS in the early 1980s), the updated Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey will be hosted by much-beloved astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tysonâwho was actually NOT the inspiration for the Canadian teen soap Degrassi High (much to my disappointment).
So how did a show about actual science find a home on Foxâa network seemingly devoted to torturing us with American Idol? Unfortunately, you can thank one of my least favorite people in the world (and executive producer of Cosmos), Seth MacFarlane (best known for Family Guy, the movie Ted, and being half as funny as he seems to think). Apparently heâlike meâwas a huge fan of the original Cosmos, and so used his considerable weight with the network to convince them that a reboot was a good idea. So nice work, MacFarlane. I will now go back to despising you. (Just not quite as much.)
ANYWAY. The new Cosmos will focus on telling "the story of the universe, from the beginning to the distant future," as Tyson literally walks us through the big bang (with the help of hotsy-totsy special effects), our earliest theories of the universe (such as those by Italian friar/poet/astronomer Giodano Bruno), as well as the most recent discoveries (remember those 715 new planets?). And like the original Cosmos, where Carl Sagan shared the wonder and majesty of space, Tyson's version won't be just an explanation of scienceâbut why it has always mattered and always will.
So now we see that while science has discovered a lotâwe still have so much to learn. Like, for example, how to pluck eyeballs out of someone's head, roll them in cocaine, and pop them back in again. SO GET OFF YOUR ASS, DR. BAG O' DICKS!!! 
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 5
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Elizabeth receives a mysterious message from her Rooskie overlords (they probably want American jeans).
10:00 LIF BRING IT!
Debut! Behind the scenes with a Chattanooga âhip hop majorette troupeââwhich I want to join⊠like, NOW.
THURSDAY, MARCH 6
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Greendale tests a new social-media app⊠and naturally, class warfare erupts!
10:00 USA SIRENS
Debut! A new comedy/drama from Denis Leary about three possibly clinically insane EMTs.
FRIDAY, MARCH 7
Midnight NETFLIX STAR WARS: CLONE WARS
Season premiere! NERD ALERT: The complete sixth season of Clone Wars debutsâdonât forget to pause and shower!
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
With Will locked up in the hoosegow, Hannibal decides to play detective.
SATURDAY, MARCH 8
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: the polarizing Lena Dunhamâthough she wouldnât be so polarizing if youâd stop being such a dick about her.
SUNDAY, MARCH 9
9:00 FOX COSMOS: A SPACETIME ODYSSEY
Debut! Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson stars in this fun reboot of the PBS/Carl Sagan classic!
9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE
Season finale! Hart and Cohle revive their 17-year-old case when a verrrrry interesting clue surfaces. McCONAUGHEY!!
MONDAY, MARCH 10
10:00 NBC BELIEVE
Debut! A J.J. Abramsâproduced show about a girl with supernatural powers and the grungy prisoner assigned to protect her.
TUESDAY, MARCH 11
8:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Jess hires Coach to mentor her schoolâs volleyball team, and will be forced to fire him in three⊠two⊠oneâŠ
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan gets a taste of his own rootinâ tootinâ medicine when he partners with a rootinâ tootinâ DEA agent.
Put your eyeballs on Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey
