Columns Aug 27, 2014 at 4:00 am

Working Out the Kinks


Like you said, it might be regional, but when we play crib in Manitoba, Canada, we call it pegging.
From Hoyle Up-to-Date (1979 printing, p. 80)

Fifteen. For making the count fifteen, peg 2.
Pairs. For playing a card of the same rank as that just played by an opponent, peg 2.

The entire entry for the rules of cribbage uses the term. So, no, not regional.

Maybe Dan didn't learn from players who were *serious* about their cribbage.
"I feel she should stop charging my husband for sessions, as we are now friends."

Loved your responses this week, Dan, plus the nice variety of letters. And beg Mary Martone to come visit more often, please.
I suspect TVW would be just as irritated if her husband and the dominatrix fell in love with each other.

Here's a constructive idea: TVW could contact the dominatrix and ask for monthly lessons in domming her husband, with the idea that after a year or so, after TVW builds up her toy collection and her skill set, they would stop paying the dominatrix. Though she should probably see what her husband thinks of the plan first.
LOL! Dan & PEP--I'm also a cribbage player, and have to snicker about the reference to "pegging", too! How's THAT for a new twist on "play to win"?

Dan, as for an alternate meaning for santorum, how about "the insertion of a hind foot into an open mouthful of lube and fecal matter that is frequently the by-product of a National Republican Convention?"
1. not entirely sure that $150 metal ball stretchers are "a fuck of a lot sexier than turkey basters"? don't know the exact measurement of one unit of fuck, but seems like a lot--like way more than the amount metal ball stretchers are sexier than turkey basters.

2. Why no peeing in the morning? Whhhhhyyyyy?

As for PISS, he asked for tips, so here's a site with some:…

This blog recommends that newbies try both the pee-ee and the pee-er position before deciding whether they can get into the whole idea.…
Oh, and PISS might also want to try masturbating to porn that includes piss play (whether video or stories).
@7 inbed: I'm stumped on "no peeing in the morning", too. Dan?
I can't hold it until noon!

Oh, you guys and your water sports....
@auntie and inbed

The first pee of the morning is more concentrated, which means more smelly and probably more unpleasant tasting too - probably not fantastic for watersports.
Morning pee is more concentrated (therefore smellier). You drain that morning pee into the sink or out the window or into the dracaena or wherever it usually goes. Then you have some juice and some water and some french toast and you’re good to go.
Hi mydriasis!
No more REDRUM.
I'm focused on REDWINE instead.
I'm stuck on TVW's comment about her husband's dominatrix: "(She) enjoys her job." It suggests to me that TVW thinks that because the dominatrix enjoys what she does she doesn't deserve to make a living from it. It's a weird attitude that oddly seems sex positive yet work negative.
@17: It's the same as any "follow your passion" mindset that suggests that enjoying your job is gratifying enough without something as mundane as money coming into play. This attitude is particularly prevalent with "higher calling" type professions, like teaching. It's why teachers are expected to be satisfied with such low pay--it's understood that they're doing it for love, rather than money.

This is the attitude that allows people to feel good about underpaying people who work really hard and happen to love the work they do: that love should be enough. You don't need to sully such a pure motivation with filthy lucre. Meanwhile, some of us work our asses off (at careers for which we trained for the better part of a decade, living in abject poverty and often coming out in extreme student debt) only to stay just barely this side of the poverty line. But we're in a "noble" profession, so that's supposed to be enough satisfaction for me.

"Hey, she has sex (or does something sexual) for a living; that's not really work. And she enjoys it. And you are social acquaintances. Why should she still want to get paid? Doesn't that cheapen it somehow? " To borrow a Mr. Vennism: LMB.
No peeing after you eat asparagus.
What is it about the asparagus?
Asparagus makes your pee extra-stinky. Really, really bad.

Thanks for the teachers.

I know three jobs that require that you train for the better part of a decade : physician, science researcher and musician. Most people are quite down with science researchers and musicians being paid peanuts to do their jobs, but strangely physicians are not expected to be poor, even when they enjoy practicing medecine.

As for teachers, in my country it's expected that they hate doing their job, but still don't deserve being paid more.
Asparagus smell in pee is still poorly understood.

Some people's pee doesn't smell after eating asparagus (non-producers) and some people can't detect the asparagus smell in pee (non-detectors). Probably genetics.

The Smithsonian has an article on it.
@auntie grizelda

Good for you ! And don't think too much of the ochestra snobbing your teacher. Humans in groups are not nice, as a rule.

I don't know that there is a general attitude about the way that teachers from kindergarten through high school feel about their work, but I teach English at the university level. I'm very lucky to be employed full time, yet I still don't make quite enough to live on. But many PhDs here are only hired as adjunct faculty, that is, part-time, "contingent" faculty, with no job security from term to term, no benefits, and a pittance of a wage. They can be fired for any little trumped up offense or even for poor student evaluations--or the university can hire someone for a full-time, tenure-line position and the adjunct, who may have worked at the institution for upwards of 20 years, is summarily dismissed. It's disgraceful. And yet it's commonly understood that people go into academia out of love--love for their academic discipline and love for teaching. This is particularly true in the Humanities.

Which is all very well and good, and maybe even true, but it serves as a justification in the public mind for the poor treatment and low pay that college faculty receive. I don't think that most non-academics are even aware how poorly paid many faculty are. It's a profession held in great esteem, but very badly rewarded, and yet the majority public opinion is that we go into it for love alone, and that should be good enough for us.
PEP, what you guys call flip- flops , we in Australia call thongs.
Watching a news item tonite, my mind wondered off into a nice fantasy, as an item on Space Junk came up.
Here's my advice for ARTATB: get him close, doing whatever you normally do. Then get on top and reach down and behind you and grab his balls. It will be a little awkward, but my wife sometimes stimulates my ass in this position, and the balls are a little higher up. He'll need to open his legs a little.

This is just occurring to me: if you turn around completely ("reverse cowgirl"), you should be able to reach down and grab his balls much more easily.
Here's my advice for ARTATB: get him close, doing whatever you normally do. Then get on top and reach down and behind you and grab his balls. It will be a little awkward, but my wife sometimes stimulates my ass in this position, and the balls are a little higher up. He'll need to open his legs a little.

This is just occurring to me: if you turn around completely ("reverse cowgirl"), you should be able to reach down and grab his balls much more easily.
nocutename @25: the general public definitely do not know how poorly paid academics are.

The theory as I understand it is that tenure is what makes it all worth it - the freedom to do the research you want and publish whatever results you find. Now that tenure-track positions are being severely cut, it's silly to imagine that someone is simply teaching for the love of it. It's just a job now, not a vocation.
(And of course 'poorly paid' is relative. Even if you told a Wal-Mart stock clerk how little you were paid, they would not recognize that you were underpaid. And nobody thinks a stock clerk is doing it out of love.)
ARTATB - In the short term, since you are mid-30s and fertility is about to rapidly decline, it is probably best that you do what you have to do to get him to climax in you during fertile days even if it means ball stretchers, or only using positions where you can reach his balls when he is in you. You have the rest of your lives to work on this but only a couple more years to conceive, especially if you want more than one shorty.

That being said, I am surprised by Dan's advice not to try to rewire him at some point. This guy can't even get an erection without specific ball stimulation. She has already become frustrated by the situation (so has he) which is understandable, and will only grow as their sex life becomes more predictable. (it would be helpful to know if he was ever able to get erect without ball tugging or if this is merely a rut he got himself into).

My best advice would be to hold off on the frequency of ejaculation and try having sex in the morning while his testosterone is high after he has gone several days without ejaculating. Get him hard by ball stimulation then have him enter you hard, release his balls and practice him staying hard in you as long as he can. Don't hold a funeral for his cock if it goes soft. Try try again. Hopefully, eventually his endurance can improve and once he can get erect without ball grabbing, the mental block will go away.

Ms Erica - You have identified the salient point. Does anyone here think (unless, of course, like the Eltons in Emma, the two of them are so equal in the unpleasantness of their characters that they're much less ill-suited a couple than either deserves) the husband would ever want to be dominated by that LW? I'm guessing the marriage only survives because his kink gets him away from his wife every so often.

I'll allow that I'm biased here; LW's attitude is one that, in a different but similar field, has been a particular brick wall for me.
@Alison: Yes, it's true that poor compensation is relative, but adjunct pay is pretty close to Wal-Mart pay and

1) the Wal-Mart employee didn't go to school for many years, perhaps incurring huge student debt, to be able to qualify for that job.

2) the Wal-Mart employee's hours and duties are clearly defined and s/he clocks out at the end of a shift, getting (badly) paid for every hour of work s/he does.

3) the idea that the merely doing the job alone should be compensation enough is never applied to the Wal-Mart employee.

The point is not to pit one group of underpaid folks against another, each of them fighting for the title of "most taken advantage of;" I was just talking about the perception that loving one's job ought to be compensation enough for doing it.
Oh Tim, the fertility expect! Go you.
That's what happens when you have a late nite smoke.
What I meant was expert. And sound clear advice.
Must admit, this was one I had no idea how to be of any use with. You guys seem to have it covered.
Sorry nocutename, I didn’t mean that because someone else has it worse that you shouldn’t complain! If that’s how I came across I apologize and greatly appreciate your restraint in your reply.

I just meant to qualify my earlier statement, “the general public definitely do not know how poorly paid academics are.” I’m always surprised to learn how little academics are paid and I’m a member of the general public. But Wal-Mart stock clerks are members of the general public too and most of them would think academics are getting paid just fine. That doesn’t mean their pov trumps everyone else’s, it just means I don’t speak for the entire “general public.”

RE “3) the idea that the merely doing the job alone should be compensation enough is never applied to the Wal-Mart employee,” that’s an interesting one. Since they are getting paid even less one might think that love of the job would be expected to be even more of a factor. And that’s exactly the propaganda that Wal-Mart and similar organizations promote. “Our greeters are sociable retirees who like to hang around and talk to people and make a little money on the side while they’re at it.” “MacDonald’s is like a paid internship where young people learn responsibility and the expectations of a workplace.”
You know Venn; another of the ques that's got me baffled. Amazing life stories get presented here.
Alison: “Our greeters are sociable retirees who like to hang around and talk to people and make a little money on the side while they’re at it.”

You're right.

Mea culpa.
@PEP I grew up playing cribbage and we always referred to scoring points as "pegging points", e.g. "Did you peg my points from the crib?" And now I will also giggle every time that gets said. Thanks for making the game more enjoyable for me :)
nocutename, nil culpa! Most of the general public do not believe this. That doesn’t stop Wal-Mart and MacDonald’s trying to get us to.
"Santorum" alternate definition - unqualified idiot who runs for president; usage: "Rick Perry is such a santorum" and "I think Mitt Romney is looking to take up the mantle of santorum again."
I don't know why LW1 is so bothered about her boyfriend's kink. It seems like a relatively easy one to accommodate in several positions, unless either of them is a particularly unusual shape. My partner is similar, but I have long and flexible legs, and I get a lot of joy out of getting him off where others would probably fail.

If it's the understandable annoyance at having to do a similar routine every time, well yes, but many couples end up stuck with a few things that work for them reliably. Finding a way to vary the routine which still works is something many people end up going through.

I don't quite get the resentment about conceiving either - there's absolutely nothing wrong with the turkey baster approach if it proves to be necessary.

So could there be deeper issues of resentment or lack of sexual satisfaction for her, which should be resolved before any children come along? If his sexual style is just offputting for her and she can't change her views, should they be together? Should they be monogamish? And so forth.
Aw phooey, the last bit of my comment didn't post. I'd added that if he isn't being flexible, or if he's being blamey about her not meeting his needs, the relationship needs more work/re-evaluation.

And if someone insisted I wear stockings every time I'd get really fed up, as they limit one's own sensation, and they often itch in a very unsexy way.
Sissoucat is right about musicians too. You want to get the "you enjoy your work so you should work for free or peanuts" BS try being a musician.

And God do I hate weddings. Brides and their mothers think nothing about spending thousands on flowers, but without almost a single exception they think it is fine to try to haggle the musicians down in price.

They will spend $150 to $250 on the bridal bouquet alone without even batting an eye, but the thought of paying a musician $250 for an hour of playing makes them blanch.

Even when you explain that they aren't just paying for that hour. They are paying for me to pack all my gear up in a car, drive to the venue, unpack the gear and set it up all before anyone arrives, play for the hour or two, wait till everyone leaves, repack the gear into the car, drive home and unpack again. That doesn't even include the extra hours I had to spend finding the sheet music for and learning some obscure piece of music you HAD to have played at your wedding that no one will ever ask me to play again.

So yes, $250 is a steal. And yes, that's why the first hour costs more, because I have to do all that regardless if you want me to play for 15 min or 4 hours.

And no, playing at your event for free isn't "good exposure". People die from exposure.

If Tony's gonna’ play, Tony's' gots to get paid.

Don't ever ask someone to do their job for free. If they feel it is worth it they will offer their services for free. I've donated my fee back to some charity organizations I've played fundraisers and events for when it is something I would have been willing to donate to in the first place, but I will never accept a gig if I am asked to do it for free from the start. It's disrespectful and means they don't really value what you provide.
The only prob with Dan's occasionally hilarious sarcasm, like his response to THIRD, is some people don't know he's kidding, but I suppose there are worse reactions, like when people think his opinion is the only one worth considering.
Re: Pegging

You don't know how confused I am to see rail cars with the warning 'DO NOT HUMP' painted on them.
anyone notice the humourous flip of DDD, that being, PPP? besides the shorter/tighter half-circle. Context is everything.

#47 "HUMP" is actually a railroad term, but it does sound kinda kinky.
anyone notice the humourous flip of DDD, that being, PPP? besides the shorter/tighter half-circle. Context is everything.

#47 "HUMP" is actually a railroad term, but it does sound kinda kinky.
Santorum could also mean "sanctimonious prick".
@27 - I'm in academia and not all academics are poorly paid; it's heavily dependent on field. However, in general, there is a glut of PhDs in nearly every field and basic economics apply: the bigger the unemployed labor pool, the lower wages are depressed. There weren't sufficient TT positions two decades ago for the number of PhDs we (the US) crank out, and the severe cost-pressures on higher ed are making them even more scarce. It's definitely true that adjunct jobs have nothing but 'presitige' to offer - they have no more job security or compensation than a Walmart job. It's a tough market out there.

AC is also entirely correct that not only is the general public unaware of the compensation situation, they are entirely unsympathetic, and generally have only the vaguest (and most ridiculous) notions of what being a teacher at any level entails.
Santorum: The frothy mix of intolerance and rhetoric that is always the byproduct of American politics.
@ 32 - An unrelated question that I'm surprised nobody's asked you yet: how does it feel to be bought by Burger King?
I've done the DDD thing, and "foolproof" it most definitely isn't.

If your kink is in any way important to your sexual enjoyment and it ain't happening after the third fuck with a given sex partner, the last D should apply to said partner.
@45 - I'm a lawyer, and while I don't get the bogus "exposure" argument, I will get requests for free legal advice from people (especially artist-type people) I don't know who happen to know friends of mine who told them I was a lawyer. One time, someone actually had the nerve to ask me to represent them for free to get someone they believed stiffed them by $500 for a gig they did, pointing out that it would be too expensive to hire someone for such a small amount of money. Because, apparently, my time isn't worth anything!

Ricardo @ 54: How often should said kink be indulged to convince you not to drop an otherwise good partner? Every third fuck, it sounds like, from your comment. I can see that if your kink is something your partner enjoys too, or is at least inoffensive - say, a little light spanking, or maybe dirty talk or something else not too strenuous. But when the kink is such that it overshadows all the other aspects of sex (as I would say the kink in the letter does) then every third time seems excessive. If I need my husband to hogtie me and cover me in peanut butter to get off, that seems like asking an awful lot of him to do it twice a week. Unless, of course, that's what gets him off, too.

I'd be curious to hear other people's ideas on what are reasonable expectations of frequency when meeting a partner's desires for a kink you don't share? Or even a non-kinky sex act that you don't particularly enjoy, like (just for example) deep throating or rimming?
And if both partners have quirks, should the reciprocation be 100% equal, even if the kinkiness of the requests is not? I.e., if I deep throat my husband every third time even if I don't like to (actually I do, but that's irrelevant) then am I justified in asking for every third time peanut butter hogtying (not actually my thing, but also irrelevant)? Or do "lesser" kinks get more frequency than "greater" kinks?
43-44; yeah, did cross my mind re the wisdom of having babies when the sex is so problematic. And is the woman complaining re her husband paying for services upset because it costs so much, he goes too often or some other reason. There seems to be a tone in that letter , just not enough words from LW to really get a feel for where she's coming from, emotionally.
How to make someone pissing in your mouth or you pissing in their mouth a sexy thing in ones head? Think I really have to leave that one alone.
The Vanilla Wife is the worst kind of friends.
I'm kind of disgusted by the tone of the first letter. She speaks of him as if he's a repository for cum. "We need him to", "rewire", "I don't want to wait for months".

Ugh. If I was that guy I'd watch out. He sounds VERY replaceable by this controlling woman. Something that will only get worse once there's a kid in the picture. Not to mention the likelihood that he would be taken to the cleaners. Her language is reminiscent of a narcissist.

Watch out dude!
@53 - I moved to the U.S. for grad school and never returned. However, seeing a 9 year old with an uzi, gunning down a weapons instructor at a range, that also pimps burgers, with no laws being broken in the process, makes me think that it may be time for ole Tim to pack the wagon back north.

Plus, the slogan of "roll up the rim to win" is all kinds of an awesome innuendo. For what it's worth, I am for sale for a lot less than 12.5B.
@54/56, the goal is to find someone who is excited about sex with you, and sees your kink as a fun trick to bring you pleasure, rather than as a huge drag.

If your kink is by almost everyone's standards a huge drag (peanut butter hogtying counts, though more for the pb than the h), then either you find someone with an equally obscure kink and feel lucky to have found each other, or you accept that you get it less often, or some combination.
I will say that it's not easy to request kinky acts on a regular basis without the other person feeling nagged.

So it's best for the relationship if both people can find their way to enjoy the other person's kink enough to propose it.

So if A loves getting spanked, and B loves face-fucking A, then A should regularly propose the face-fucking, and B should regularly propose the spanking. Not easy to get to that point though.

I'd call D2 "defuse" rather than "downplay". Downplay sounds as if sex were some strategic competition to see which partner wins by imposing more on the other. Strange letter in that LW seems to present both sides of an activity with a considerably different level of involvement depending on whether one is giving or receiving as if both ends were roughly equivalent, and Mr Savage also declined to address that aspect.
@19 crankyWAprof, @20 StillThinking, @21 nocutename, and @23 sissoucat: I have humbly noticed that about asparagus! What about broccoli?

@24 sissoucat: Thank you so much for your kind moral support! My flute professor emailed me from Europe. Bless her, while she, too, is quite disappointed in the snobby committee's decision, she and I are both proud of this past year's efforts. Frankly, I'm not sure I want to audition again next year for the orchestra sub list if there are inter-organizational problems. It can't be a good sign for any ensemble when a good number of talented and seasoned musicians is leaving en masse.
@42 Bugnroolet, and @52 ericawriter: You both win!
Erica P - sure, yeah, in an ideal world, we would all get off on our partner's kinks. How often does that actually happen, though? Next best scenario is the one you outline, that each partner proposes performing the other's kink regularly, so that nobody has to feel they are constantly begging. But even that seems like a fairly idealized situation - I think my own situation is more common - I have a few mild kinks, but as far as I can tell, my husband has none. He is pretty GGG and most of the time is happy to help me out - but that's how it feels: "helping me out." I would be delighted if he would express a kink to me, so that I could fulfill it joyfully. Nothing I have tried in the way of gently drawing him out has been successful.Either he really is completely vanilla or he's so repressed that his kinks are forever going to remain locked between his ears. Luckily, I have kinks, not fetishes - they are bonuses, not requirements. We have a pretty solid sex life - a 7.5 out of 10, say - after sixteen years of marriage. I'd be an ungrateful bitch to complain.
@ 56 - Sorry, but how did you get the impression that I was talking about frequency? It's up to the partners to decide what's ok for them. If they both enjoy something, they'll be happy to do it regularly enough so that both are satisfied. This, of course, implies that if they don't do it regularly enough for both to be satisfied, maybe one of them isn't as much into it as s/he says s/he is.

What I was talking about are the three Ds that Dan mentioned. You disclose the kink, you downplay it, but if by the third sexual "episode" your new partner has not indulged you or brought it up again, it's never going to happen, so you drop him/her if that kink is a crucial part of your personal sex life.

No judgement there towards the non-kinky or those who simply have other kinks than yours, since no one has an obligation to share your kinks. But if you are honest enough to divulge your kinks, you deserve an honest answer.

Unfortunately, too often, I've met people who assured me they wanted to explore my kinks (as I'm always willing to explore theirs as long as they're safe and sane), when in fact they had no intention whatsoever to do so. I waited, and waited, and waited some more (not wanting to PPP about the pee pee pee, so to speak). Then I got tired and asked them about it, and they admitted they'd just said that because they hoped that I would eventually forget about it. Apparently, they thought of themselves as such great persons that I would be willing to make a sacrifice for them even though they weren't even willing to make an effort for me - even if that effort was only being honest with me. So I dropped them, because they were fucking liars.

If they hadn't lied to me, we could have become occasional fuck buddies - my kinks have not taken over my whole sexuality. But they wanted to be more than fuck buddies, they wanted to be my BF, and they thought that lying was the best way to get there. Since, in my experience, a liar is and always will be a liar, out the door they went.

I am not ashamed of my kinks, I enjoy them, they are not going away (they've been a part of my sexuality since early adolescence), and I deserve to be with people who'll enjoy them with me. And my rule of thumb, from abundant experience, is that by the third fuck, you know if the other person is or isn't willing to go there with you.

So, to get back to my original point, I don't think the DDD rule is a good one.

Please note that this might not apply to people under 30, say, who might still find it difficult to accept or explore their kinks. But I'm almost 49 and I date guys around my age, give or take ten years. And if you haven't figured out by that age what you're into, what you might be into or what you're absolutely not into... you're just too much work for me. And you're not likely to be honest about it all.

@ 60 - You mean to tell me that you're not actually a donut shop? I'm so disappointed.
@67 - I didn't necessarily think you were talking about frequency (though the "third fuck" thing gave me a clue, wrongly, I guess). I brought up frequency because I think it's an interesting question, and likely to become an issue in any relationship where one person is simply indulging another's kink out of love or generosity or what have you.
@ 69 - I said "after the third fuck with a given sex partner" (in the context of commenting on a letter about the beginning of a relationship), not "every third fuck".

As far as the frequency issue goes, as I said, it depends on the people involved. I don't see how you could set up a universal rule. But if someone only does it out of love or generosity, it can't be too much fun anyway.
@auntie grizelda, I'm not sure about broccoli, but then I hardly ever eat it. One of the few things I have in common with George H.W. Bush.
@70: I think it depends on "out of love or generosity" ends up looking like. I had fun with ball play with past boyfriends because they liked it so much and it was easy for me, but now that I'm not doing it with my current, I don't miss it. If we broke up and I had a new boyfriend who loved it, then I would happily do it again and it would be fun. I feel the same way about playing domme- it's fun to do it for someone who likes it, but it's not something I miss doing. There's a whole huge range of activities like that for me- things that are fun because the other person likes them so much, but that I could take or leave otherwise. On the other hand, there are some activities that I always want to do regardless of partner, and there are some activities that I would be truly leery of doing with anyone no matter how much I love them or how generous I feel.

As for the frequency thing, there are three factors: how often the person with the kink needs to do it to feel satisfied, how often the other person can do it without feeling put-upon, and how logistically difficult the kink is to pull off. Just as an example, I think that a person into just spanking might expect to do it at least every other time they have sex, while the person with the pie-in-the-face fetish is probably going to have to wait months between sessions. Different couples are going to come up with different frequencies, not least because different people have very different sex drives. I'm an at least once daily kind of girl, but I know some people who only want it twice a month. I imagine people like me probably come to very different frequency conclusions than people with lower libidos.
Dear PISS - some time when you're not having sex, have a sexy chat about what type of piss play your BF likes and you and he might like to try.

Take a look at written erotica with piss, porn sometimes only has the D/S stuff... There's a wide range of piss play including: mutual, D/S, humiliation, raunch, holding desperation Japanese omorashi, piss in mouth but spit out, drinking from the stream, drinking from the tap, wet clothes / self-pissing, just the feel of piss splashing without any D/S themes. Some guys like strong piss, others like it dilute. For drinking: drinkee likes beer? Pisser should drink beer. Like sweet? Pisser should tank up on diet soda, the sweeteners are excreted. Like raunch? Pisser should keep it strong, not too many liquids... If you're on prescription meds or other drugs they can be excreted and still "work" and ingested so be careful of drinking. If pisser is piss shy, beer is good -- builds volume and relaxes you. Very low risk of STIs, but not non-zero. Have fun!
My inexpensive, low tech advice to ARTATB:

do some basic vagina-tightening exercises if needed as it's not always his fault, do it doggy-style since he's shooting right into the cervix, and reach back with one hand while you do it and cup his balls.
gueralinda @66, would you be more surprised to learn he was hiding some serious kinks or that he really was happy with vanilla?

If your gut tells you he has secret kinks, try asking to see his porn, or hear his fantasies. Make it clear that you are open to whatever -- if he senses that it would shock you to hear that he thinks about your sister while screwing you, or that a latex pony suit would really make him happy, or that sometimes he tries on your lingerie, then he won't tell you.

If your gut says he's vanilla and is happy with how often you have sex, try offering non-sexual favors, based on his "love language", not yours. Maybe you could learn to give great massages? or give him quiet time if he's an introvert?

Do you make it clear how much you love it when he does your kink? Moaning with appreciation, telling him how great it was? Show him that you want an opportunity to give back to him (via massage or whatever) when you're feeling so happy, and maybe that will help him access his own pleasure in giving you what you crave.
Regarding PISS. I have a buddy that I've been with four or five times. The first couple of times were nice if not particularly memorable. Then one day by text he brought up WS, and I peed on him that very afternoon. Since then I've discovered that he's a very very open lover and we're having some hot, sweaty, no holds barred sex. He's a kinky boi... ;)
Thanks for the advice Erica. Years ago, I assumed he had a kink he couldnt tell me about, but now I think thats simply because I Couldn't imagine not having a few kinks myself. I could be wrong, he is a naturally private person and is just not into sharing his fantasies with me. Ive told him some of my own and that gets him off, but if I ask him to tell me one of.his, he just laughs and shakes his head. What I really think is that he simply fantasizes about other women, and doesnt want to share that because we are both committed to monogamy (yes, I'm sure). He doesnt want to hurt my feelings. I can live with that. He is a wonderful lover, generous and sweet, and if there is a lack of passion and real excitement on his part while he is performing my kinks for me, I guess I can supply it with my imagination. And, as you say, offer.him a.nice long footrub or his favorite sandwich in return.
@EricaP weird a dufferent name when I signed in thistime. I must have two accounts. The above comment is from.Gueralinda, the lady with the vanilla husband :)
EricaP, I like that you see allowing quiet time as a " love language".
I don't think I realized how much I needed solitude, while I was in my marriage. Only now, do I see having time alone to reflect, etc- that it grounds me.
@45. Thank you for saving me the rant.
Excuses people use to bum free work:

(1) It's a service profession, so it's not like you're actually giving away anything concrete. ("Free 2 U")

(2) It's a creative/ artistic profession. ("Exposure")

(3) What you provide is an inherent right, therefore you have no right to withhold it from anyone because of their inability to pay. ("Bleeding Marx")

(4) You love your job. ("Hardly Working")

(5) We're friends, so you shouldn't charge me like everyone else. ("Real Friends")

You become a connoisseur of this kind of bullshit in Austin, the bum capital of the world.
People like TVW irk me to no end...if I know a plastic surgeon socially, should I expect free liposuction? If I know a programmer socially, should I expect him to build me an iPad app for free? If I know a commercial artist, should I expect to get my new logo designed for free?

The answer to all of these is NO. If your friend offers to do something for free, it’s a very generous gift! If you want your friends to perform professional duties for you, you hire them, as the professionals they are. If you EXPECT your friends to perform professional duties for you but you don’t think they’re worth paying, you’re a terrible “friend.”
@80/81 if the two of you are satisfied, then it's not my place to quibble. But over time, you might consider whether you'd prefer more passion & excitement, even at the cost of having to feel uncomfortable discussing his fantasies. There's a good book, Passionate Marriage, by Dr. David Schnarch, which advocates for breaking through the silences and risk-avoidance which creep into marriages over time.

There is some risk to working through the book's exercises. There's a poignant review on Amazon, complaining that in the process of being honest with each other you may uncover real incompatibilities. But I found it helpful, myself.…
@71 crankyWAprof: My love of broccoli is one of many things I'm glad I don't have in common with George H.W. Bush, but that's just me.
I don't know about avoiding piss play first thing in the morning. For many foot fetishists (for both male and female feet) the smellier and grimier they are, the greater the turn-on. The humiliation of it greatly enhances the experience. I suspect the same is true for many pee enthusiasts.
As a fellow cribbage afficianado I have managed not to associate pegging with pegging until now (thanks for that). I do have some difficulty with "And one for his nob", though.
TVW is just a cheap cunt.
@91 lol, actually many marriages are like this, just usually the wife doesn't know. In any case, the expense is presumably cheaper than the cost of two households after a divorce.
@54 and @56.

Agreed that hopefully people go into a relationship self-aware enough to know their kinks, and how important they are to being happy. That's only half the equation, and they need their partner to meet them halfway. That's just not always reality, and people change.

The PPP approach is really hard to avoid once DDD hasn't worked, over and over again, in an LTR. Avoiding PPP is easier if the kinkier partner has an outlet somewhere else; a dominatrix if they're a sub, or another person if it's something more pedestrian they can get an ordinary person who is not their partner to meet.

If meeting a kink is so unimportant to a partner, they shouldn't mind when their partner gets that kink met somewhere else.
Disclose, downplay, and drop! DDD! I love it. That's what my girlfriend and I have done since our first says.

On the phone, when I first mentioned it during sexy talk, she thought my desire to pull her hair was a little weird. So I dropped it. But she wants to make me happy (and vice-versa, of course!). Now, six months later, she is enjoying the hair pulling -- and the holding down, throat clutching, and other little things that turn me on.

Lesson: Don't insist. Insisting is babyish (and, depending on the kink, might make you appear legitimately dangerous). Enjoy what you have. The closer you get, the more you're willing to please your partner.

Here's hoping for her being okay with making out with another woman in front of me by my birthday.
@94 "Here's hoping for her being okay with making out with another woman in front of me by my birthday. "
Shortcut: If she looks at one of your friends more often, tell him to play along and show her it can be cool ;)
I really don't get why ARTATB even calls her boyfriend's enjoyment of ball stimulation a "kink". I am a cis lady in a hetero relationship. I never come from PIV sex alone. I require (like most women) clitoral stimulation to come. Sometimes my partner does this for me with his hands and sometimes I do it myself.

Thus, it makes perfect sense to me that a dude would want/need to be touched also elsewhere than his penis during sex. I can recommend lady on top with a hand on the balls. But if she's tired of doing the fondling, have him penetrate from behind and do it himself.

Dan's advice is good. Stop stigmatizing the way the dude's dick works. If he did it to you ('why can't you come from my pounding my penis in your pussy over and over? we need to see a doctor about this.') we'd all kick him off a cliff.
I close Homocentric August by thanking the two halves of Wozilroy for showing the advantages of ending opposite-sex relationships. Rory began the month by completing a big three-tournament winning streak including two majors and a WGC event, and Caroline has ended the month by doing the ears of the US a huge favour in the form of eliminating Ms Shriekapova. The point that gave her the break lead in the final set, on which she ran down five or six winners until Maria netted a volley showed just how planning to run the NYC marathon is vastly superiour to planning an OS wedding.
re @14: My comment [@14] was too far off topic?
And my comments in @15 & @16, humorous takes
on what I had said in @14, were still okay?


Happy Labor Day weekend everybody---I'm looking forward to reading and commenting again this upcoming week!
One last question to Dan, though: who won the contest for alternate santorum definition?
We call it pegging when we move the pegs on the cribbage board. I don't know if cribbage is popular enough anywhere to have regional trends.

Had I known that live musicians were as inexpensive as 250$ an hour, I would have had musicians at my wedding.

Alas I knew none back then, so we had to hire an idiotic DJ for about 1000$.

But next time anybody in my family will have a huge feast (so, at my kid's coming of age, probably), we'll have live musicians, even if that bankrupts me. Recorded music, that's nothing near as fun.

I know a music teacher who is invited a lot to weddings. True he's got a lot of friends, but he tells me it's a heartache, since there's always hints that he'll play a little or a big something... and for no pay.
wtf Hunter, do you really think Feminism is about some sort of tit for tat scenario?
If it was, if it was buddy( nice buddy), men could never ever ever catch up with us. Our bodies and tits are used to incubate and feed the young..
Luckily, most Feminists are generous, kind hearted women who do not keep score..
And it was DON'T use morning piss..
ARTATB - I imagine he gets you off with his mouth since he can't use his dick for it? So maybe 69 and stab his balls with a shoe until he's about ready to go and switch to intercourse?

PISS could start by asking his boyfriend what he enjoys about piss play. Maybe start small, piss on his foot in the shower and watch his eyes?

And I think THIRD should talk more to the couple about what everyone wants if he's nervous.

The last signoff was slightly irritating that it was not perplexed expert gamer.
@105 "No feminists complained."

Get over it and accept that you're a feminist. And probably look good in pink too. Move on.

"One of us. Gooble-gobble gooble-gobble"

@103 Sissoucat,

That's for one musician at the ceremony for one hour. A band for the reception is going to run a lot more, but still worth it.

People spend $2000 on flowers at the ceremony and then get a DJ for the reception. Ask anyone if they remember the flowers at any wedding they have been to. Almost all people will not remember even the next day. But if you have a great band at the reception people will be talking about it for years.will be talking about it for years.
@109 Sure, but I can't help but snicker at both phrases anyway.

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