Columns Oct 15, 2014 at 4:00 am

Finding a Good Roommate Is Hard


Oh yeah, the old "I don't have a sex drive" gambit.

Translation: No Sex For YOU!
Jesus, man, living with your ex-wife while you both start dating again? A blind man in a pitch black room could have seen this coming.

Oh, and kudos on shaming her for being a single person who does single person things. Clearly you are the mature adult in this fucked-up relationship.
I am sorry that cohabiting after a super personal divorce didn't work out, Anon.

But don't seek retribution. You guys didn't work out as intimate companions for life, and that is okay. Your best move is to accept this and move on; process the situation and develop yourself more individually.

Best wishes sincerely.
@2 No, he's shaming her for establishing a rule out of respect for each other and then breaking her own rule, implying her lack of respect for him. And lying to him that the guy was just a friend coming over to watch football which shows more disrespect. And trying to make him stay away from his own home while she gets some but doesn't want him to do the same. I think it's reasonable to shame her, but not really worth the effort.
However, I agree with @1, should have seen this coming.
You cant move on until you cut the string and that means selling the house and moving on with your own personal space that no one but you has to worry about. You took the responsibility of "the sancity of marriage" and then decided it wasnt for you as so many poeple do these days who lack the communicative skills and attention span of a chimp on meth unless facebook is involved. Dont try and live the lifestyle now with all the benefits of being single after the horses have left the barn because eventually you'll both be on the evening news, one the victim and one the assailant!
You almost came out the bigger person here!
@4: Him getting revenge for the disrespect by being disrespectful towards her in a different way is why he's also the loser here.
Obviously, now is the time to escalate:
Find yourself a nice young something to fuck like crazy, ideally in the front hallway right around the time your ex-wife typically arrives home after work. Boom! - instant equity.
And then INSIST on talking about it!
Oh man that sucks, and not in a good way. But you don't want to come off like the gamergate guy do you?

Best way to get even is get out, live your life and find someone better than her.
I am so sorry, little Beta male.

Now, grow a pair, and GTFO, and move on.

I just pray to my dark Lord Cthulhu that there are no children involved.
#8: You're assuming this was written by a woman.
I'm surprised nobody's blamed the Seahawks. If they'd won, the fucking might never have happened.
@#12 you assume he can't line something up, if he hasn't already? It sounds like he'd resumed dating.
#3 sounds like an airy fairy therapist type. Ugh! Some of these touchy-feely types kill me with all their stupid buzzwords/jargon.
Conversely, finding a HARD roommate is GOOD.
If you can't co-habitate as roomies with a sock-on-the-door system, you should sell the damn house and get free of this. What kind of lunatic gets a divorce and stays with the spouse? Isn't the idea that you DON'T want to be together anymore?

I understand that this scenario is not uncommon, but as a happily divorced person, I can honestly say that I'd rather move back in with my mom than stay in the same house with my ex. As financially and emotionally scary as the unknown without the spouse is, you just have no idea how good it will feel to have your own space until you do.
And btw, telling everyone is a real dick move, but telling the brother is an uber-dick move.
@15, I think its weird that my empathy annoys you. Also what jargon was it that irritated you? I am really curious because I don't think it was that wordy of a suggestion.
Like, really. I just tried to respond to Anon in a nice way because this column has a reputation for hateful comments and I think that sucks. Buzzwords? "Intimate companion?" I guess I could've just said "your marriage didn't work out," but people have different definitions for marriage so it didn't seem right. "Develop yourself individually?" I stand by that one. Everyone could stand to do more of that.

Was it "cohabiting?" Because that literally means unmarried people living together; it's not even a buzzword. It's the most effective word to describe their situation.

I'm not "airy fairy" in any way. I'd totally kill someone if it came down to it. No guilt. I can see how it seems like that though, from the one comment you read.
No I totally get why the whole package of the comment is annoying to you. I was just trying to be nice and kind of just wrote it in a rush for no real reason other than boredom and then forgot about it. Anyway. Internet is weird.
I let my ex wife stay in our house for a few months after our decision to divorce (kids involved, wanted soft transition, etc.). I however made it clear that neither of us would bring anyone around, all dating shenanigans were to happen out of the house with no discussion whatsoever. You need to man up and set boundaries otherwise you just invite this kind of crap.
Christ, what an idiot.
don't live with your ex, ever. Move out.
Ouch! FAR, far too close to home today.
I feel for him, but getting 'revenge' does nothing but make things worse.

And really, whats the point?

Im currently going through a separation too, So I feel for this person.
Get her to move out, or move out yourself. Living with exes puts a severe strain on any other new relationship possibility.
isn't this written by a woman? /confused
Take the high road. Do you need a F'ing approval team to make YOU feel better?? Move the F on! You don't need to tell others about her lack of respect. People will figure it out on their own. You needing to share that info before mutual friends and family come to their own conclusion just makes you look like a major jackass!

On another note: I'd never date someone that still lives with their ex as "roommates." That smells like drama from miles away!

@29, you can't help who you fall in love with. It's not that simple. I wish it was.
Good Lord move the fawn out! Babies
Go file for divorce, you creepy tattle-tale. What kind of a self-respecting adult runs to their spouse's family to tattle?
I warn all of my roommates: sometimes the robe comes open, just saying.
On one side you have little Jimmy jealousy and the other lil miss inconsiderate. I co-parent and co-hab with my ex and our relationship is based on tiny rules that are never broken. His ex wanted the D and not talking about the Seahawks. The way he responded to it is worse, calling her brother is lame.

If that was me coming home to that, depending on how hot she sounded getting worked I'd probably rub one out and then move out. .
Something eerily similar happened to me. I told some trustworthy friends, but no way did I tell anybody in my ex-wife's family.

That's just taking things way too far. It doesn't matter who you are.
Maybe you should act like the adult you think you are and accept that it was your decision to keep living in a house with your ex. She's going to start dating whether you like it or not, that's her adult decision to make, and when she asked you to leave the house maybe it was so that you would be spared walking into what you walked into.

Maybe when you tell everyone you know, they'll pretend to side with you, but this is partially your own fault. Grow up, move out, and move on.
Good god, both people in this awkward and strange situation seem a bit broken in some way. Just move a million miles apart from each other and bring this sad situation to a close.

And I think your mutual acquaintances would agree with me that you'd be doing them a favor by sparing them from a negative PR campaign about your ex's oddball fuckuppery. You're just perpetuating the pain by this point, and your ex will not change or grow for the better or learn as a result. Drop them and move on.
This reminds me of the time a friend of mine (who was more than a bit of a drama queen) decided to live with her very recent ex as a roommate because it would be a way to prove her maturity or something. You know what shows maturity? Recognizing a recipe for drama when you see it and NOT LIVING WITH YOUR GODDAMN EX.
wow, we were with the same guy!

here's mine:

you know when it's over when you say "hey, you forgot to log out of your secret email account" and he says "which one?" and you say "the one where you have hundreds of emails from strange dudes on CL seeking anonymous hand jobs and blow jobs" and he says "hahaha THAT one, wow, it could have been a lot worse"

later when you are moving out:

you know it's over when he asks if he can keep the strap on he bought you for your birthday. just cuz.

and he still claims he is straight!

then he knocks up a 20 year old very naive girl before you have even moved your shit out. to prove how very straight he is.

i told him to remember to log out and to try wearing a condom.

you're better off without a lying shithead, anonymous. he did you a favor.
#30: While it's true that you can't help who you fall in love with, it's also true that you can help how you behave around them, and it's very true that finding out certain things about this person's situation, such as their insistence upon being treated like crap by their ex who they still live with, would make them all the less attractive to you.
The dude needs to hire some knock-out escort from the back pages of The Stranger, and have her bent over the kitchen table when the ex comes home...
Um, I just want to say: I think she was giving Anonymous all sorts of hints he just didn't want to she hit him upside the head with a metaphorical 2x4. This is the worst case of "I want out so I'm going to be awful to you until you dump me" that I think I've ever seen.

Anonymous - salvage what little remains of your dignity and do not advertise to everyone just how much shit she threw at you before you stood up for yourself. Seriously, find a hot replacement and bang the hell out of her...somewhere other than your former home, where you should no longer be staying. Even if you get to keep the house, at least until your ex is moved out.
I'm confused nobody has suggested either COCAINE or MALT LIQUOR as the source of their strife yet, nor has anybody discussed the aforementioned substances for nearly a month now...
Assuming that this is a man, writing about his ex-wife, it was the ex-wife's idea that neither of them move out (probably because she can't afford a place of her own) but then she does something like this? Tacky, and more than a little crazy. Her family probably already knows that a mess she is, so I don't see the point in dragging them into it.

I have known many a gay couple who break up, but become roommates, and it's no big deal.
Somebody else doing something wrong does not justify you doing something wrong. The letter writer's actions makes nothing better for anyone, including the letter writer, and does make things worse for some people.

Clearly the letter writer and the letter writer's ex have too much mutual bitterness to treat each other well. I would not be surprised if horrible attacks on each other were part of what led to the break-up. The very fact that the letter writer could act this way makes it clear the letter writer is not currently fit to be in a relationship. But the ex also acted very badly. They should split up, stay apart, and each get individual therapy.

But the ex was clearly wrong about the two of them being able to live together. They clearly cannot and should not.
Immature adults continue to act immaturely and will not learn from any of their mistakes. Bitter conservatism/hatred of the other gender to follow. More news after these messages.
Catalina Vel-DuRay is wise.

Also; LW's spouse withheld sex, presumably let him go to marriage counseling alone for 18 months, and finally said "ok, we can divorce, but I'm going to live here still." Are you surprised what happened next?

P.S. Don't seek revenge, and don't drag another woman into this. What LW needs is a spine. Solve your current problems best you can, then get on with your life.
@47 The ex did not withhold sex. The ex did not want sex with the letter writer. There is a big difference. There's no evidence that the ex wanted sex with the letter writer, but chose not to have it as a power play. The much more likely scenario is that the ex lost interest in the letter writer, thought the specific loss of sexual interest was a general one, and rediscovered a libido due to some new relationship energy. The current libido may fade away after the new relationship energy fades or it may last in a better relationship. But it doesn't matter, because either way, the ex shows no signs of wanting to have sex with the letter writer, which makes the ex's current sexual acts kind of irrelevant, except when they intrude upon the letter writer.

I agree the ex was disrespectful to ask that neither of them have sex in the house and then to have sex in the house. That was wrong. The ex was also probably wrong to drag out the relationship, but we don't have enough info. It's quite possible that the ex didn't want to go to counseling, because the ex did not think the relationship was salvageable, which would be reasonable. From the written letter it is just as possible that the ex wanted a divorce, and the letter writer took 18 months of counseling to agree to one, because the letter writer was set on saving the relationship.

However, clearly the ex was wrong about the two of them being able to share a dwelling peacefully post-break-up. I still think the likely issue is that they both treated each other badly, and they are both too bitter to currently treat the other one well.

Unfortunate, but it doesn't excuse the letter writer's actions. And I do hope the ex's family reacts sensibly, with sympathy for the letter writer sharing personal information that is nobody else's business. What did the ex do? Have consensual sex with an adult while not in an exclusive relationship with anyone. How terrible! Yes, doing it in the home after saying neither of them should was wrong, but that's certainly nothing that justifies having your personal life spread to other parties who probably didn't want to hear. And it's no reason to hurt the ex's brother.

I once had somebody tell me personal details of one of my sibling's sex life. I thought it was extremely discourteous of them - toward me. I didn't want to know. And I have a right not to have my family's sex lives shoved in my face. And what did that brother ever do to him?
@48 - I suspect your interpretation is more accurate. I was really just trying to see it through LW's eyes best I can and still concluding he's going about this all wrong.
@49 Ah, that makes sense. I was more thinking, this is the side of the story the letter writer tells... so, what might the full story look like? Which we can't know, but I like to keep in mind. Both views have value.
Sounds like he dumped her when she wasn't ready to exit the relationship and this is payback. Shrug. Shit happens. You clearly hurt her feelings and she's doing the same to you. Only way to avoid it is to move out. (Ps the person pulling the plug should generally be the one to volunteer to leave)
no wonder the hawks lost.
lish_troha @19, 20, 21: I'm a little freaked out reading how you moved from defensiveness to self-loathing in fifteen minutes, by way of guilt-free murder.

>> Internet is weird. >>

@40. I agree, totally. It's all in how you presently treat people. Ouch though.. A little close to home.. ;-)
This whole thread is pretty uncomfortable, huh?

Sometimes you meet a really good person who is just not quite ready yet, still recovering from 25+ years of relationship to let go of, and that's not easily done overnight. Sometimes you have to hang in there until they, and their exes, are ready. (Yeah, sometimes I am far too nice for my own good).

I think the slack you have to cut a person in this situation, needs to be proportionate to the length of the previous relationship?
If that person is being a total dick after 2 years of dating, say, vs trying to figure a lot of real-life practical shit out after the end of a 25 year marriage, that's a consideration also.

People also process grief very differently sometimes.

I guess a lot of us have been in various combinations of this situation. It's not easy from any direction.
The best thing you can do in this situation is fuck her brother. On her bed.
I read this as the writer is a woman whose loser husband was getting banged by his "not a boyfriend."

Regardless of the plumbing, tell whomever you want, especially if it helps get you out of the shared living arrangement.

Please wait...

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