It's with great regret that I inform you that your favorite TV show, Hannibal (NBC, Thursdays, 10 pm), has not been picked up for a fourth season, and... WHADDAYA MEAN HANNIBAL ISN'T YOUR FAVORITE SHOW?! Look, I write about Hannibal probably more than any other current TV show, so ACTUALLY it's already been well established (BY ME) that Hannibal is your favorite show. Got it? So apparently you were just confused when you said it wasn't your favorite show? Is that what you're telling me? Yeah. That's exactly what you're telling me.
Anyway, can you believe Hannibal has been canceled by NBC? A show about a serial murderer who regularly kills people and eats their intestines? Or inspires other serial killers to do similarly horrible things, which includes, but is not limited to, stashing dead bodies inside the stomach cavity of a horse? Why on earth would a network cancel a show like this???
Of course, a stupid person could take the opposite tack and wonder why on earth a network would ever ALLOW a show like this. I'LL TELL YOU WHY! (And by the way, you're being waaaaay too cavalier with your constant questions about this excellent show! But I'll deal with you later.) Because not only is Hannibal the most drop-dead-gorgeous show on television (using top-notch cinematography to giddily fetishize murder and haute cuisine), it's also one of the best-written series as well, philosophically exploring the thin line between sanity and... well, a guy who will happily cut out and sautĂŠ your liver.
However! I will allow that Hannibal might be a bit "too much" for the average TV network, whose cash cows are usually reality talent shows and laugh-tracked comedies filled with fart-inspired humor. Therefore, wouldn't Hannibal be a perfect show for maybe HBO, Amazon, or Netflix? Yes, BUT! All these video services have passed on Hannibalâand since the contracts have run out for lead actors Hugh Dancy and Mads Mikkelsen, that means, unless a miracle occurs, this season of Hannibal will be its last.
Wait... are you asleep? Are you seriously sleeping while I'm trying to tell you the most horrible television news of the year? OH FOR THE LOVE OF... you know, for someone who claims that Hannibal is your favorite show, you're not exactly acting like it!! ARE YOU AND I GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM? Is that what you want?? A PROBLEM?? Yeah. I didn't think so.
Anyhoo! You'll be happy to know I've decided to take matters into my own hands and produce and distribute the fourth season of Hannibal all by myselfâwith a little help from the show's biggest fan... YOU! I've already been in contact with the video service "YouTube," which told me it will happily show any video I choose to upload. (Their current most-popular shows lean toward trampoline accidents.) I'll be producing, directing, and starring as Hannibal, while you will be portraying my first victim. We'll start filming this weekend in my basementâso don't be late! Wait... what? Is this your favorite show or not? You don't want to have a PROBLEM with me, do you? Yeah. Didn't think so.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 15
10:00 TVLAND THE JIM GAFFIGAN SHOW
Debut! The verrry funny comedian stars in this sitcom about being a dad and eating too much.
10:00 USA MR. ROBOT
An fsociety operation is threatened by Elliottâs inner demons. (He ate something bad for dinner.)
THURSDAY, JULY 16
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Hannibal gets captured by the police! (In my version, heâd eat the police.)
10:00 SPIKE LIP-SYNCH BATTLE
Itâs Justin Bieber vs. Deion Sanders in a battle to see who can be most terrible.
FRIDAY, JULY 17
3:00 am NETFLIX TIG
Debut! A documentary about the comedian Tig Notaro and her battle with cancer.
SATURDAY, JULY 18
9:00 AMC HELL ON WHEELS
Season premiere! Cullen faces his biggest railroad-building challenge yetârowdy Irishmen!
SUNDAY, JULY 19
8:00 NBC WELCOME TO SWEDEN
Season premiere! Bruce plans to propose to Emmaâdespite what a horde of angry Swedes think!
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Virginia and Libby kiss and make up⌠letâs hope literally!
MONDAY, JULY 20
8:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIORS
Itâs the Kansas City finals for this obstacle-course competition featuring hot shirtless hunks.
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
The men get their opportunity to say whatâs on their mind⌠which is to say, âDUHHHHHHHH.â
TUESDAY, JULY 21
9:00 FOX KNOCK KNOCK
Debut! Ryan Seacrest shows up at peoplesâ doors to grant their wishes. (Can I just wish heâd go away?)
9:00 CBS ZOO
Thereâs a wolf attack at the prisonâwhich at least breaks up the monotony of the situation.
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