Hi. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez. Here are some Valentine's Day things that you are wrong about.

• Buying her chocolate: You're wrong about that—unless she specifically asked for diabetes.

• Buying her flowers: Thanks for the dead plants.

• Buying her lingerie: ...is gross.

• Buying her sex toys: Does she buy you power tools?

• Writing her a love song: Ugh. Just please don't.

• Writing her poetry: NEVER NEVER NEVER OKAY.

• Taking her out for a fancy dinner: That's wrong. On second thought, I could eat.

• Buying her anything: Just wash your crotch and try being nicer.

• Giving family members valentines: What are you doing? That's fucking sick, you sick fuck.

• Saying your cat is your valentine: The feeling is NOT mutual.

• Wearing Valentine sweaters: Wrong. You look like a sad, lonely idiot.

• Buying him sexy underpants: Whooo! Whooo! Here comes the Emasculation Train! Allll abooooaarrrd!

• Writing the different kinds of kisses there are (peck, passionate, on the check, etc.) on pieces of paper, putting them in a bag, and giving the kind of kiss they choose: OH VOMIT.

• Making a romantic candlelit dinner for two at home, followed by a sensual massage, and a romantic movie: OH VOMIT!

• Putting lipstick kisses on the bathroom mirror: Blecchh! There's toothpaste spit and fecal matter on there! WRONG.

• Leaving a trail of red-foil-wrapped Hershey's Kisses leading all the way to the bedroom: Seriously. Fucking stop it.

• Sending a card postmarked in a town with a romantic name, like Loveland, Colorado, or Valentine, Texas: What?!? That doesn't even make any sense!

• Learning exciting new sexual moves from the Kama Sutra: Or, you know, you could just figure out how to give a decent blowjob.

• Renewing your vows: Maybe you should have just meant them the first time.