My Dear Friends,

Greetings from the Lake of Fire! I don't know if anyone is reading this, and my connection is really bad (they still use dial-up down here, LOL), but the afterlife has broadened my perspective and I wanted to reach out.

Firstly, I was wrong about Catholicism. You know who was right? The freaking Mormons! Which means freaking South Park was right about the Mormons being right! Just this morning, I saw Gandhi getting kick-fucked by demons while Louis Brandeis and Laura Ingalls Wilder did some crazy diarrhea-vomit analingus 69 thing on a mountain of knives. Meanwhile, no sign of Brigham Young or Joseph Smith anywhere! It seems I was wrong about a great many things.

Which brings me to my second point: I owe the homosexuals an apology. I once wrote that overturning laws against sodomy was likely to lead to the erosion of laws against "bigamy, same-sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, fornication, bestiality, and obscenity." Having spent the better part of the last week getting acquainted with nearly all of the above, I can say beyond any "reasonable doubt" that sodomy is by far the best of them—shout-out to Bowie, BTW. It was my first time, and David was surprisingly gentle.

I have also had time to reflect on some of my other so-called "hobbyhorses." For example, the Voting Rights Act and that whole thing about "racial entitlement." When I heard the equally blood-curdling screams of Malcolm X and Thomas Jefferson as they were lowered side by side into the fiery furnace, I was like, "What the hell was I thinking? Pure applesauce."

What can I say? Like a lot of bullies, I was insecure. And like a lot of powerful people, I got carried away. Forgive me.

Must close now as I am scheduled to eat my own intestines and vomit them into President Reagan's reopened bullet wounds for a thousand millennia.



PS: The next time Mormons start doing their retroactive posthumous baptism thing, FOR THE LOVE OF MORONI, LET THEM DO IT! It's my only hope of getting out of this literal hellhole. It got Anne Frank out of here, for fuck's sake.