As a veteran of the war in Afghanistan, I have seen a lot of valleys, but nothing that compares to this caboose crack. It looks like a mound of ice cream chopped with an ax. It looks like volleyballs covered in fondue. It looks like God drew His finger through a cloud. On the campaign trail, everyday Americans have been asking me, "How do you know if a guy has a grade-A booty?" That's easy: proportion. Do you see how each cheek is the same size as his head? That's good balance, the kind of balance I would bring to the White House. Is this Nick Jonas? It looks almost like Chasten, maybe a few years younger. All I know for sure is that I've never been more jealous of boxer briefs. The wedgie is unfortunate, although I'm not going to lie—if I were those boxer briefs, I'd be trying to get right up in there too. This gluteus is a clear sign of God's glory, and I give it a 9.7.