KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP)—After four months of campaigning, Democratic presidential candidate Another White Guy announced on Friday that he's dropping out of the race, after failing to gain traction in a crowded field of competitors—many of whom were also white and guys.
"To those who put their faith and trust in Another White Guy," Another White Guy told supporters, "I'm sorry to say that you will not see Another White Guy—at least not this white guy—in the White House."
For the entirety of his short-lived campaign, Another White Guy sought to cast himself as the white, male centrist that he thought America desperately needed or, more importantly, felt comfortable with.
"I speak in broad, vague generalities," Another White Guy told reporters in May, "and that's the way America likes it!"
And while Another White Guy enjoyed early popularity along with fellow white guy candidates Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Pete Buttigieg, support for Another White Guy waned after he refused to reveal his policies.
"Look, you people don't get it," he said in early August when asked about his platform. "I don't need policies. I'm Another White Guy! Leave the so-called 'policies' to your Warrens, your Harrises, and your Bookers. I'm white... and, even better, a guy! Which means in America, I don't have to prove or explain myself! I enter a race, you vote for me, and I walk into office. Bing-bang-boom, I'm Another White Guy!"
In September, Another White Guy's theory was tested when Democratic candidate Elizabeth Warren emerged as the front-runner in some national polls.
"Has America has gone bananas?" Another White Guy asked reporters following his concession speech last week. "They want a white guy in office! Or at least a guy, right? And yet Warren is passing Biden in the polls? HAS THE WORLD GONE TOPSY-TURVY?"
"I may be just Another White Guy," he continued, "but on behalf of all other white guy candidates, this is bull-fucking-shit! We white guys have been prioritized and given opportunities our entire lives—and now these privileges are being stripped away and given to people who aren't white, aren't guys, and have struggled their entire lives to get where they are? THIS IS NOT HOW AMERICA WORKS, PEOPLE! You all may have tossed me aside, but as god as my witness, you have not seen the last of me!"
As of press time, Another White Guy had taken a job selling tires for Les Schwab and is considering starting a podcast.