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"My first order of business is getting to an emergency room to remove a string of Christmas lights my girlfriend shoved into my rectum a week ago. She's a really silly girl."

–Jeff, 54, West Seattle



"As someone fortunate enough to buy a house this year, I'm planning on killing a lot of mice. Maybe make 'em scurry out to the backyard and torch them with my flamethrower."

–Marcus, 29, Bellevue



"I broke a molar last year biting into a date that still had its pit in it. So I'm going to pit my own dates this year. Maybe keep them in a drawer. Reach in whenever I'm hungry."

–Crystal, 30, Lynnwood



"Might fuck around and take my dog to a grocery store."

Matthew, 37, Capitol Hill