"My first order of business is getting to an emergency room to remove a string of Christmas lights my girlfriend shoved into my rectum a week ago. She's a really silly girl."

–Jeff, 54, West Seattle

"As someone fortunate enough to buy a house this year, I'm planning on killing a lot of mice. Maybe make 'em scurry out to the backyard and torch them with my flamethrower."

–Marcus, 29, Bellevue

"I broke a molar last year biting into a date that still had its pit in it. So I'm going to pit my own dates this year. Maybe keep them in a drawer. Reach in whenever I'm hungry."

–Crystal, 30, Lynnwood

"Might fuck around and take my dog to a grocery store."

–Matthew, 37, Capitol Hill