My partner and I are poly and we’re slightly experienced. He’s
got a new other partner. She seems nice and I’m fine with her and the
whole arrangement so far. But the problem is she’s insecure about my
liking her. She’s very flirtatious with me, and my boyfriend says she
wants to sleep with me (we’re both bi). But I think she just wants to
because she thinks it’ll make me like her.
She’s pretty and all, but I don’t know if I want to have sex with
her. My boyfriend says he’d have a threesome if I wanted to but it’s
not a big deal to him. Or he’s okay with my sleeping with her
alone.
So I guess I could if it would make her feel like I accepted her.
What’s the etiquette here? Is this a common “welcome to the
neighborhood” kind of thing in polyamory?
Do not fuck this woman.
Now that we’ve got that established, this is something I see
happening sometimes in polyamory, especially in the situation you
mention: two bi women dating one man. Your letter struck a particular
note with me, because I’ve been there myself. I’ve been the new
girl, using sex to (in my mind) smooth my relationship with the alpha
female while I had a relationship with her partner. And more
recently, I have also been the incumbent partner, having the new
partner be seductive with me in a way that felt like she had
motivations other than pure lust.
Assuming you’re correct about her motivations, her doing this
doesn’t make her an evil woman per se, although I think it means she’s
a bit immature and possibly manipulative. But regardless of what’s in
her head, the best reason to fuck someone is because you’re
sincerely hot for them, and you don’t sound sincerely hot for this
girl. So you should not fuck her. You are not being unwelcoming,
and there is no polyamory rule that says you have to assuage the new
partner’s insecurity by eating her pussy.
For all the people who are thinking, “What, a good-looking woman
wants to fuck and you’re saying no?” my response is, “Think beyond the
orgasm.” This is not a zipless fuck; this is your partner’s other
partner. What if you give her what you think is a one-time welcome fuck
and she falls for you? Or on the flip side, what if you have sex and
it’s terrible and she never wants to face you again? Both those
scenarios are awkward in themselves, and they would play havoc with
your boyfriend’s relationship with her. That would create some tension
between you and him, which you don’t want.
There’s an unflattering phrase for sexing someone just to make them
feel better: pity fuck. I can’t believe that’s what this girl wants to
be. She doesn’t need sexual charity—she’s dating your
sweetheart, right? So she’s clearly doing pretty well in the world
of love. Express to her kindly but clearly that you wish to keep your
relationship platonic, and let her get over her new-partner nerves
somewhere besides between your legs.