Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hey, yeah, do you ever just go out on dates with people?
Sigh. I know that, statistically, if this guy calls enough
random women, someone will actually say yes to him. And that’s a shame,
because he clearly has all the intelligence and personal charm of a
stegosaurus, and should not be given an opportunity to breed. You
see, this man is not asking for a date where he pays a girl for her
time. He means he’d like me to have some kind of uncompensated social
rendezvous with him—a rendezvous where he’d undoubtedly attempt
to persuade me to get sexy with him for free.
One gets these kinds of calls a lot, and if I shut down certain key
lobes of my brain, I suppose I can see the rationale. Women with
sex-work ads are advertising our erotic availability. However, we
are also obviously aware that our time and attention have a market
value. So why the hell would I squander mine on some prat who not only
doesn’t want to pay me, but who can’t even be bothered to exercise
any wit, charm, or imagination in his attempt to get some skin? That’s the worst of both worlds.
So, while there’s no way I’d ever say yes to such a request, let’s
see if we can push his development along a bit for all future ladies,
professional and otherwise.
Me: Why should I want to go out with you?
Caller: [clearly thrown off balance] Um… Well, I mean… do
you?
Me: You didn’t answer my question. Give me one good reason why I
should go out on a date with you, and then I’ll tell you whether I will
or not.
Caller: [pauses] Uh, I mean—it’s not for me.
“It’s not for me.” Did this guy really just say that? Sweet Jesus,
is he really trying to tell me that he’s trolling through the sex
ads looking for free dates on behalf of someone else? Can this man
possibly be any less suave? And yet, he’s still on the line. He’s
trying to salvage this. Amazing.
Me: I see. Well then, tell me why I should go out with whomever it
is you’re talking about.
Caller: Um, I don’t know.
Wow. I have met some socially awkward people, but this guy has
seriously got no game. I’m not much into doing verbal humiliation
scenes, but with a skull as thick as this, a sledgehammer would be a
love tap.
Me: Look, sweetie, you’re doing this really badly.
Caller: What? Hey, look, I just asked a question, that’s all.
I love how now he’s acting all indignant. Because when you call up a
dominatrix to ask her for a free date, it sucks when she gets all
critical and stuff, right?
Me: Listen. Have you ever noticed how someone’s personality can make
them attractive?
Caller: Yeah?
Me: Your personality is doing the opposite. If you’re just going to
call random women asking for dates, you need to work on that.
Click. He hangs up. Evolve or let your DNA die, pal.