When any woman is approached by a guy she doesn’t know—be it
in real life, online, or by phone—one of the first things she has
to assess is whether the guy is crazy and/or dangerous. If the answer
is anything but “No, this feels safe to me,” then a man’s friendly
overture is unlikely to go further.
Apparently some of you gentlemen either don’t know this, or think it
doesn’t apply to sex workers. Granted, part of our job description is
to be patient with guys whose social skills aren’t highly polished. But
there’s a difference between someone who’s a bit awkward and uncertain,
and someone who comes off like he’s smoking crystal meth while writing
the screenplay for his own production of Hostel III. And a good
way to put yourself in that second category is to call us every 15
minutes for, oh, several hours, leaving a string of increasingly
frantic voice-mail messages insisting that we call. You. Back. NOW!
Just like in a scary movie, these message strings always begin
innocently enough: Beep! “Um, hi Mistress, my name is Bob. I’m
calling about an appointment. Please call me back at….” This is a
perfectly normal message. No hint there of what’s to come. But cue the
creepy music, because 17 minutes later, there’s another one:
Beep! “Hey Mistress, it’s Bob again. Here’s my number… Call
me back soon, please!”
And then another 21 minutes later: Beep! “Mistress, please,
I’m begging you, call me back! I’m desperate to see you!”
Then: Beep! “Mistress, it’s Bob. Did I do something to offend
you? I’m sorry! Please, whatever I did, you can punish me for it. Just
call me!”
And then: Beep! “Mistress, it’s Bob. Look, I’m sorry I’m
calling so much, but, see, I’m very calm now, really. But you have to
call me back.”
There’s a whole montage sequence here, with ominous minor-key
chords, of Bob continuously hitting the redial button like a lab-test
monkey pumping the drug-delivery lever. Intellectually, I know Bob is
unlikely to really be a thrill-killer—he’s probably just nervous
and overexcited. And I don’t enjoy disappointing people or hurting
their feelings. But given Bob’s demonstrated frustration with delayed
gratification, I doubt he’d do well with me in person, since that’s
often what I deal in.
Finally, another half-dozen messages later, there’s the last one:
Beep! “Fine, whatever. Obviously you have some kind of issue
with me. I wish you’d tell me what it was, but… never mind.”
Sorry Bob. You dug your own grave with me. All I can do now is make
sure you don’t dig mine. 
FRIDAY 8/24
THE SPIN
A dance-and-be-sexy party at the Wet Spot, with a different musical
theme each month. This month: live music with Lady A and the Baby Funk
Blues Band. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746,
thespin@wetspot.org, 9
pm—2 am, $15/$20, members and their guests only, 18+.
SATURDAY 8/25
TANTRA I: EXPLORATION OF ECSTASY
Certified tantra educator Tanja Diamond explains how you can
experience the prolonged sexual ecstasy you were created for. No sexual
touching, no partner required. DiscoverU Northgate location,
www.sexualtransformations.com,
9:30 am—12:30 pm, $59, preregistration required, 18+.
DOGGIE PLAY DATES
Bring your dog to make new friends! Dog trainer Stacie Wyant will be
on-site to monitor safe playing and to answer any behavioral questions.
Wyant has more than 15 years of dog-training experience, working with
dogs of all breeds and temperaments for competitive events, including
obedience, agility, confirmation, and tracking. NOAH Animal
Adoption Center, 31300 Brandstrom Road, Stanwood, www.thenoahcenter.org, 2—4
pm, $5.
SUNDAY 8/26
RAIN CITY JACKS
Afternoon jack-off event. Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO
club that’s alcohol, smoke, and attitude free. Raincityjacks.org, rc@raincityjacks.org, 1—4 pm
(doors close at 2 pm), membership required.
TUESDAY 8/28
BACK TO SCHOOL SEX TIPS
Babeland sexperts take you on a whirlwind tour of their wares in six
10-minute workshops. It’s a crash course on things like buying your
first vibrator, cunnilingus and fellatio, anal sex, high-tech toys, and
the G-spot. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, free,
18+.
TUESDAY 8/28—MONDAY 9/3
PARADISE UNBOUND: WET SPOT CAMPOUT
A weeklong sex-positive campout. Kinksters, swingers, erotic
nudists, and all other varieties of sexual outlaws lounge naked in the
sun, attend kink workshops, hang out in the hot tub, and have sex in
the woods. The Longhouse, Redmond, www.paradiseunbound.com,
admission rates vary, preregistration is required, membership
isn’t.