Dear Science,
My head hurts. I feel like barfing. Why do people get hangovers?
How can I make this never happen to me again and keep drinking?
Too Sick To Make Up A Name
Out of solidarity, Science also has a hangover. Judge me not,
reader—endlessly researching your questions about climate change,
failed AIDS vaccines, and poisoned foods has left me with no recourse
but to drink heavily. For those of you not crawling out of a
bottle right now, let’s recap the hangover experience: a splitting
headache and angry stomach matched with soreness in every limb. The
brain drags along, filled with feelings of wretched misery. Light and
sound make things worse, much worse. Copious vomiting only occasionally
relieves this motley collection of symptoms. In sum: This is the
perfect physical state to contemplate the rapidly arriving end of
the world.
How’d this happen? Well, in 2000, Al Gore, coming off one of the
longest eras of peace and prosperity, ran the most inept political
campaign in modern history—matched only by John Kerry in 2004. As
a result, a half-formed, semisentient troglodyte has had the
opportunity to pay off his cronies through the steady decline of a
once-great nation.
Oh, you mean medically?
Alcohol strips the body of water and salts, mostly by aggravating
the kidneys. The stomach also doesn’t take kindly to being pickled. The
liver, furiously busy trying to process away the alcohol, doesn’t have
as much time to maintain blood sugar. All of these things contribute to
the misery, but the way we get rid of alcohol is the real culprit. Your
body quickly turns the alcohol (relatively harmless itself) into
aldehyde—not so harmless, the same chemical family used to
preserve dead bodies—and only slowly turns the aldehyde into
really harmless acid. It’s not the wisest process. Make the poison
quickly; get rid of it slowly. Thanks, intelligent designer!
What is a committed drinker to do? Fluids. Convince a doctor or
nurse friend to give you an IV. If your salvation must be by mouth,
water alone won’t cut it. Drink a liter of Pedialyte—find it in
the infant section, used to treat children with massive
diarrhea—or make Pedialyte yourself (eight teaspoons of
table sugar, one teaspoon of salt, and a splash of orange juice in a
quart of water), and you’ll be happier in the morning. It works for
cholera victims and it can work for you. If you find yourself getting
hangovers regularly, it’s time to think about cutting back on the
drinking.
When all else fails, Science recommends a cup of coffee and some
aspirin.
Queasily Yours, Science
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