Dear Science,
This may sound like a sarcastic or “trying to be funny” question,
but I am honestly curious why there are certain locations
that seem to trigger a bowel movement quicker than others.
Examples for me include the housewares department at the Broadway QFC, the Value Village men’s clothing department, the public library, and just about
any bookstore. Not only do these places create a
kind of enigmatic laxative, but the feeling
to poo is intensified and feels more immediate. (I’ve heard thinking of sex can help alieviate this
feeling.) And considering the difficulty that can be
encountered attempting to convince store management, etc., to allow you
to use their facilities, this can be quite a frightening event. There
have been a couple of times where I have literally had to
leave my basket in the store, run across the street to my
apartment, then return to finish my shopping. I have had a couple of
really close calls with this scenario.
Please advise,
Bothered Bowels
Let’s meet Pavlov! Continuing our tour of crazy Russian scientists,
we now come to the gent who figured out how to make dogs salivate on
command. Give food to a dog, and she’ll start to salivate. Ring a bell
each time you give her food and she’ll associate bell ringing with food
and salivation. After a while, ring the bell without the food, and the
dog will salivate anyway—
classical conditioning. You’ve probably done the same thing to yourself, except with shitting
and shopping.
So, how did you get conditioned? The Broadway QFC, the Value
Village, the public library, and a bookstore don’t seem to have much in
common. Do you go at the same time of day as you tend to poop? Is it
the musty smell of old books? Perhaps cheap fluorescent lighting is the
key? Any are the possible start of the chain—linking pooping,
some trigger, and these various locations. (This is why thinking
about sex every time you have to shit out of the house is a profoundly bad idea.)
How do you make this go away? More shit-free trips. After enough
times of hearing the bell without getting food, Pavlov’s dogs
eventually stopped salivating at its sound. So go to the library, to
Value Village, to QFC, to the bookstore. If you have to shit, go and
shit. But then go back to the place a couple (poop-free) times again
that day. Yes, the store clerks will look at you funnily. It’s
better than begging for a toilet, right? With enough trips without the
event, your mind will unlink the place and the toilet.
Provisionally Yours,
Science
Thanks to KF for her expert advice on conditioning, shit, and the
library.
Send your science questions to
dearscience@thestranger.com.
