I understand weddings are the shit to you. It’s your chance to cut loose in the big city, get drunk on free booze, and dance your ass off. This is also the first time you’ve met a real-life gay. I’m certainly in favor of changing the hearts and minds of rural folk, but please remember I’m here to enjoy myself, too. Being an advocate for the entire species is pretty damn tiring. Here are some ground rules for the next time you meet a gay at a wedding. (1) Please don’t tell my boyfriend he looks like Jesse Tyler Ferguson, “that gay guy” from Modern Family. (2) Don’t ask me if I think your redneck boyfriend is (a) hot, (b) gay, (c) all of the above. (3) Don’t ask me to use my gaydar on any of your other redneck friends whom I’ve never met. (4) Don’t ask the DJ to play “Vogue” and then say you did it just for me. (5) Most importantly, do not assume that I want to dance with you. All. Night. Long. Weddings are already tiring for the gays, and being overly polite to people who treat us like the sideshow is exhausting. The only consolation I take is that for you, this party is the most excitement you’ll see all year—for the gays, this is just a boring Saturday night.
—Anonymous