I somehow stumbled across you at that magical moment when all 10 of
the night’s cocktails kicked in and I was unable to really stand or
comprehend spoken English. It was the perfect symphony of extreme
intoxication, lack of more acceptable booty calls, and the sort of bad
weather that makes you want to seek refuge after closing time that made
inviting you back to my place seem like a fantastic idea. I was
slightly less enchanted the next morning, when I begged you to leave
unnoticed and refused to offer you my actual name and phone number. By
the way, smooth move finding my phone and using it to call your own
phone. Needless to say, I hope to never have another run-in with you as
long as I live. But I do have to give you special thanks. Why? I
thought I had seen it all when it came to flagrant disregarding of
one-night-stand protocol, but you proved me wrong. It felt awesome to
explain to the friendly police officer who came around knocking today
why my neighbors reported a strange and totally naked man staring in
their window from my patio and masturbating at dawn’s first light.
Honestly it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life; the
friendly officer even threw in a lecture on personal safety and good
decision making. I am now stuck living here. If only I could have stuck
you with some form of VD! Oh, to dare to dream! 
I, Anonymous
One Night with You Was Too Much
Comments are closed.
hmmm… was his name sebastian by chance?
i didn’t actually sleep with him but he stole my phone number and then proceeded to call me because he wanted to masturbate in my ear. joy.
fucking creeps.
you are the dumbest person imaginable. You redefine “stupid”.
Oh the horror. This reminds me of how I lost a great roommate in my roaring 20s. She did not appreciate the strange man (my guest for the night) entering her bedroom, offering to fulfill her fantasy. I wish I could say I stopped making the same mistake then. Hey, at least your neighbors care.
L O L
another dubious diatribe by a narcissistic woman about some awful, awful, man. Why not just be honest and say “I got drunk (as usual), took some random guy home, and now I regret it.” Instead you invent some horror story to displace your shame and self-hatred onto the guy, and offer it to an uncritical pseudo-feminist community in the hopes of receiving validation of your blamelessness.
Yucks to be you.
so maybe next time don’t have drunken sex with a random stranger you know nothing about, mmmmmkay?
Oh give her a break! She provided us with the funniest I, Anonymous I’ve read here in a long time! This is freaking hilarious!
My favorite part: “the friendly officer even threw in a lecture on personal safety and good decision making.”
Hey we all make mistakes…but um…you might want to cut down on the number of drinks, there 😉
Ah, to be young.
I’m with # 8 funniest IA in awhile. #5 before you go aroudn calling people funnier than you “narcissists” you might consider looking at your reflection in the screen.
Where did people’s “she” come from?
hey, I know one-night stand protocol. want to meet up sometime?
Hey look, it was just me and a sexy oh so tantalizing view of the alley until your damn neighbors had to open their curtains. What’s up with that??? I’ll give you a call and we’ll discuss.
spd, jk 🙂
i can relate to this story. ahhemm….
2 years ago i went back to this chics apt after many drinks at the bar. we made sloppy drunk whoopy.
next morning i woke up, walked outside and couldn’t remember how to get home. SO, i beat off until i remembered.
totally worked.
After reading this throughly, I find absolutely no indication that you won’t repeat the scenario next weekend with another guy. Here’s to lessons learned the first time. Good luck.
Not to get too self righteous here, but you kindof deserved that.
Why?
Because whenever a woman gets drunk (and I’m speaking as a woman here), she might as well hang a sign around her neck saying “Hi! I am incapable of making good decisions, defending myself, or running away! Creeps, losers, and sickos, PLEASE take advantage of me!!!”
It would be a wonderful, more fair, and more safe world if we *could* get drunk and have it be safe, but this isn’t a perfect world. This is the real world, where as soon as you seem impaired or able to be overpowered, creeps and rapists come swooping in.
The answer isn’t carrying mace, or never trusting men. The ONLY defense is staying fully alert, and fully in control of yourself at all times.
Good luck in the future.
What bar was that? When are you next planning on getting shit-faced there? Just wondering.
@17: Get a grip. Life is about taking risks sometimes, and while this whole experience is squee inducing, it’s one Anon can chalk up to experience and move on. She’ll be laughing about this in a decade, I’m sure.
Now THAT’s what I come to I, Anonymous for! Future contributors to this column, please take note.
@17 Oh, absolutely. The minute a woman gets drunk and/or spreads her legs, anyone she comes in contact with is entitled to break the law without it being their fault, just hers. She’s a goddamn sin-eater!
Maybe if you took the time you spend handwringing and offering blame thinly disguised as sympathy, and used it instead to blame the lawbreaking, masturbating-in-public, crazyass stalking men in your life, your world (and maybe even mine) might be a slightly safer place.
Oh, but wait. That would involve declaring this public masturbator the bullshit one. And since he only broke the law and drove far, far out of sight out anybody’s reasonable boundaries, goodness knows you can’t do that.
Wow, the misogyny on this comments thread is disgusting. You’re saying girls can’t have drunken one night stands and expect that when the guy leaves he won’t violate her privacy by turning into a peeping Tom?
So you’re saying once a woman sleeps with a guy she deserves whatever she gets? That’s seriously fucked.
Thank you, #21, for saying what I was seething about after reading that comment and others.
I love how so many Sloggers are pro-women owning their sexuality when it benefits them (sexy halloween costumes), but when a woman complains about a guy taking advantage and downright breaking the law, they have no qualms about stating she asked for it, and what did she expect? Fucking gross.
LOL! That reminds me of a joke. This chick is in a bar having too many drinks when a hot guy starts flirting with her. They start talking and he asks her if she’d like to go to his place. “First…” he says “you should know I’m kinky.”
“That’s o.k.” she replies, in an alcoholic fog.
They go home and have great sex.
Afterward, she asks “What was kinky about that?”
“Oh,” he says “I shit in your purse.”
This is why I drink my 10 cocktails at home.
Great story. This is asking for retaliation if he reads this….but its not my life and I am amused so F it!
Forget the bar where the IA poster hangs out I want to find out which bar all you commenters hang out so I can avoid it like the plague!
@ #5- Why not just be honest and say “I got drunk (as usual), took some random guy home, and now I regret it.”
Jesse F. Christ, my man, that is EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID! and went into humorous detail whilst doing so, making for entertaining reading for those who recognize a loser. i’m not so sure it is that funny though, if YOU recognize YOURSELF as that regrettable LOSER
just remembered another story!!!!!!!
i took this chic home with me after some boozin at the bar. WE GOT IT ON!!!! didn’t remember much though.
ANYWAY,
the next morning, she leaves (or so i thought). i go around to the kitchen window, AND SHE’S BEATING OFF IN BACKYARD!!
i asked her back in, and finished her off.
BOO TO THE YAA!
@growler – just exactly how drunk are you right now?
http://www.aa.org
“…masturbating at dawn’s first light” is an awesome poetic injection into this story.
To everyone freaking out about a woman’s right to take home and fuck the living shit out of someone. . .she ADMITTED making a poor choice by being wasted when she did it.
I stand behind a woman’s right to be a slut if she wants (no sarcasm there, coming from a fellow slut). But do you really want to be soap boxy about a woman’s right to be an irresponsible drunk??
Ok. You got it.
I hope for your own sake that you heed that officers warnings.
@ 22 It’s not misogyny when we are discussing the habits of An Individual who is a woman.
No one is saying that it was right for the Dude to be a total douche.
Being “unable to stand” and “understand spoken English” is probably not the best time to consider inviting a stranger home with you.
Any guy that would grab these easy pikin’s is probably hovering at the opposite end of the spectrum from Sir Lancelot.
And “If only I could have stuck you with some form of VD” means that she would be suffering from the same VD. What a fucking dope!
By the way, does anyone know the term for a woman who hates men. Oh, please don’t say a “feminist.” that shit’s not funny!
Misandrist is one word for man hater. But man hater is less pretentious. Misandry is analogous to misogyny.
@35 misandrist
@35 “Being “unable to stand” and “understand spoken English” is probably not the best time to consider inviting a stranger home with you.”
youre saying you don’t make bad decisions when youre drunk? You actually take a step back and go “woah should I really be doing this…I mean lets take a moment to think” yeah, I don’t know anyone man or woman that does that after 10 cocktails. And honestly, who doesn’t want to get laid when theyre drunk. Come on.
and I’m with 11 everyone is assuming this person is a woman just because they brought a man home
THIS COULD TOTALLY BE A DUDE GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR STRAIGHT ASSES.
Why do people always want to turn everything into a blame game?
@35 “Being “unable to stand” and “understand spoken English” is probably not the best time to consider inviting a stranger home with you.”
youre saying you don’t make bad decisions when youre drunk? You actually take a step back and go “woah should I really be doing this…I mean lets take a moment to think” yeah, I don’t know anyone man or woman that does that after 10 cocktails. And honestly, who doesn’t want to get laid when theyre drunk. Come on.
and I’m with 11 everyone is assuming this person is a woman just because they brought a man home
THIS COULD TOTALLY BE A DUDE GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR STRAIGHT ASSES.
Why do people always want to turn everything into a blame game?
I think the Amanda Knox debacle provides some important life lessons for I, Anon.
Well, if you weren’t such a cold bitch in the morning, maybe your neighbors wouldn’t have been treated to my slap-happy antics.
true, the author could have been a guy, but i have a hard time believing a cop is going to give a “lecture on personal safety and good decision making” to a gay guy who just admitted his drunken one night stand decided to masturbate naked on the patio while staring at the neighbors. unless the spd has some really good sensitivity training? just sayin…
I also think the poster was a guy, and I know from experience that there’s many a Seattle cop who would give a little sermonette like that.
Not that I’ve ever been lectured by a Seattle Cop about my one night stands. Well, not in the past decade or so.
The comments on these are always marred by total pricks.
@17, @35 …and what if the author is male….?
@11 GOOD CALL.
Let’s ask the GENDERGENIE:
“Words: 251
Female Score: 259
Male Score: 291
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!”
@42: the butch lesbian cops would totally be into lording it over / playin tough love mama to a hungover slut fairy, are you kidding?!?
oh, and has no one blamed the bartender yet???
that’s gnarly shit. i hope you get tested for STDs on a regular basis.
@35 Female chauvinist or misandrist: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misandry
I am fairly certain I, Anon is a lady and I am reasonably certain I am her neighbor as I doubt this sort of thing happens very often.
I have lived across the alley from this woman for a little over 2 years. Let me tell you she is the last person I would have expected to post this here, I have never seen anyone as mortified in my adult life…Then again she was the last person I would’ve expected to keep this sort of company…Never was there any indication that she was anything but a quiet, obsesive compulsively clean professional type that lived alone…Until recently she seemed to work all weekend, most weekends, rarely had guests and was if anything prudish…
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction I guess.
Wow! To settle the debate I will say I am fairly certain that this I Anon, is indeed a woman. I am fairly certain, because I am guessing this doesn’t happen too often and I am pretty sure I am the neighbor…
Unless there is some other unfortunate lady out there who had this happen to them, we are dealing with a young woman approximatly 25-30 and no one you ever would expect to have something like this happen to. We have lived across the alley from her for a little over 2 years and she has always seemed like a very quiet, reserved, obsessive compulsivly clean and immaculatly groomed professional type. Until recently it was rare to see her doing anything other than working or cleaning…I must admit I am surprised to see this here because she seemed utterly mortified when it happened…
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
It is a woman I am pretty sure it is a woman at least as I am guessing that this sort of thing does not happen all that often and I think I am the unfortunate neighbor.
So it is a woman about 25-30 and sooo not the type you would expect this to happen to or the type to post it in I, anon. We have lived across the alley from one another for a little over two years…And the lady has always seemed like a quiet, reserved, obsessive compulsivly clean and impecably groomed professional type. Until recently you never saw her do anything except work and clean.
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction I guess.
In Reference to this:
Not to get too self righteous here, but you kind of deserved that.
Why?
Because whenever a woman gets drunk (and I’m speaking as a woman here), she might as well hang a sign around her neck saying “Hi! I am incapable of making good decisions, defending myself, or running away! Creeps, losers, and sickos, PLEASE take advantage of me!!!
_______________________________________________
:Uhmmm, perhaps when YOU get drunk you come off as a woman incapable of making good decisions, defending yourself or running away, but please, don’t speak for the rest of us.
No comment.
So this guy, while nude, sneaked out of the house at dawn while his hostess was still sleeping, jacked off while looking into the house of the neighbors, who happened to also be awake at dawn, then sneaked back into the house, all unbeknownst to the hostess? Then, instead of getting out of Dodge, he proceeds to hang out at the house longer?
Possible, but unlikely.
@17. I get what you’re saying, and unfortunately, you make a point. Women are at greater risk of sexual violence than men. However, blaming the woman for not being alert at all times does nothing but strengthen the victim blaming culture we live in. We should not be the ones scrutinized for our behaviour. The responsibility should be on the men to, you know, not be rapists. It’s not that difficult. I’m a horny bitch and I have managed in all my 26 years on the planet to not sexually violate ANYBODY. If I can do it, the boys can do it too. In the meantime, being street smart is a great thing. But please, let’s not pretend that women not having the freedom to move about public space, drink alcohol and have casual sex will stop the problem. You know, since it worked so damn well in places like Afghanistan.