To my best friend, who I just discovered had a three-year affair with my wife.

Thanks for being such a pal. For years, my family has suffered because of some mysterious lack of connection between my wife and me. I could only get her to touch me once every three months—while you were having your way with her every Thursday or Friday, whichever fit your busy legal schedule.

Ugh. Both our families have young kids. And now that you have ended it with my wife, you already have yet another woman?

You’re a hairy-backed pig. I find it only fitting that you resemble John Edwards both physically and ethically. Now, about your beautiful wife… Do I tell her? She is my friend, you know. One of my best friends. recommended

54 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  8. That’s godawful. Yes, tell your ex-best friend’s wife. That way, she’ll understand why you no longer speak to her husband and she can get herself tested.

  9. Dump the wife, let your attorney destroy her. Don’t tell the friend, she’ll only blame you. Let the former friend’s law partners know of his lack of ethics, let them destroy him for you.

  10. Dump the wife, let your attorney destroy her. Don’t tell the friend, she’ll only blame you. Tell the jerk’s law partners, let them destroy him for you.

  11. Divorce your wife, don’t stay together “for the children”, because that really means pretend to have a sham marriage while she continues to sleep around.

    Also? Be the better person and don’t bash her name in front of the kids when you have shared custody. I’m not saying lie to them about the infidelity, but don’t try to paint her as the devil constantly, no matter how bitter you may feel. Those emotions are for discussions with your friends or bartender, not your kids.

    Tell his wife. If your positions were reversed, wouldn’t you want someone to do the decent thing and tell you?

  12. Tell her immediately, then tell YOUR attorney that you are divorcing your wife.

    Crush her – move everything into your name, poison the children against her, and be sure that her family and friends know why you are doing it.

    The next year of her life should resemble a Mortal Kombat finishing move in slow motion; and she is the one standing there stunned.

    Then sit back and watch her finish herself. (This last part may sting you a bit on the emotional level, but it is better the kids to remember a depressed mother who committed suicide than to remember a whore.)

  14. @14 You’re probably a troll Will, but good point psycho- it’s much better that the kids have a dead mom than a divorced mom. A divorce would be impossible for the kids to handle, but being the ones to discover their dead mom would be so much less traumatic for them. Having two sets of remarried, better-adjusted parents in their lives would really wreck their whole lives. Your plan for them to wind up finding mom’s lifeless corpse after dad ruined her makes so much more sense. I hope you don’t have a wife or kids you sick fuck. Get help.

  15. Remember the first rule of IA commentary: IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT, BITCH!

    Perhaps you should be directing this anger more towards her. It sounds like you’re letting her off the hook because he’s such an evil mastermind. She’s the one who made your family suffer (and by ‘family’ I think we mean ‘you,’ because young kids have nothing to do with this unless you drag them into it).

    Three years is a long time to have a ‘mysterious lack of connection.’ You even sound offended on your wife’s behalf for her being replaced. That’s awkward.

    How much of a connection did you actually feel with him? I mean, really? Because I’m pretty sure he never called you *his* best friend.

    His wife should certainly know, if she’s really one of your ‘best friends.’ Maybe she knew and didn’t care. Are you ready for that?

    Wait, is this from Melrose Place?

  16. Talk to your attorney before doing ANYTHING. Your wife knows the score, and has probably prepped for some type of response by you, including divorce. If so, she’s ready to move all your assets to her name and force you to legal recourse to get to them. If you tell your friends wife, then the cat is out of the bag and you are possibly more screwed than you are right now. TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY FIRST.

  22. Yeah, that blows. He’s a dick, your wife’s a bitch, and I agree with the above comments that it might be a good plan to tell the best friend’s wife and bang her brains out. Nothing wrong with revenge fucks if everyone jilted is on board with it. (However, you shouldn’t try to destroy your wife as #14 recommends. That isn’t classy and won’t salvage your dignity; that will hurt your kids; clearly he is psycho.)

    But my real reason for commenting for the first time to anything on thestranger.com: Why is everyone so much more sympathetic to this (presumed to be male) I Anon than every other (presumed to be female) I Anon that I have ever read the comments for? Even when previous featured I Anons sound annoying, I feel some sympathy for the shitty situation they are in. The commentors here are managing human sympathy for this poor fuck; why is it so hard to manage human sympathy for the other poor I Anon fucks?

    …Oh right, because they’re women. Stupid double standards.

  23. The most fundamental breach of promise and far greater pain inflicted was by I Anon’s wife. She’s the one who promised “to have and to hold”, “to forsake all others”, etc.

    I Anon never held hands with his “best friend” in front of 126 family and friends and promised to not bang each other’s wives.

    I Anon is still in love with his wife. That’s why it hurts so much. That’s why he is so upset at his “friend”. And that’s why he can’t direct his anger where it belongs – at his wife – because it is so hard to be angry at one we love.

    His wife abandoned him emotionally at least three years ago and he only just found out. That hurts much more than his asshole friend’s actions. And he’ll be on the road to recovery when he can be upset at her. Might be nice to have a skilled professional in the room when he starts that journey. Since they will remain co-parents for 15 to 20 years and the kids deserve as much respect and civility between their parents as their screwed-up parents can salvage from this situation.

  26. #24, that’s exactly what I was thinking while reading these. If a woman had written this, the commenters would have found some ridiculous way to place the blame on her, like, “Hey, dumb bitch, how did you not know this was going on? You deserve this for being such a dumb cunt…”

    But since it’s a man, all the creepy, sexist Seattle guys (of which there seems to be such an endless number, I feel like I moved to the fucking backwoods from the northeast) suddenly find it in themselves to pull some understanding out of their asses. While I definitely feel sorry for this guy, I’ve felt just as sorry for many of the women who posted similar sob stories on here only to get beaten down by a bunch of dudes who obviously have issues with women.

  27. Wow, that whole 3-year “mysterious lack of connection” thing really hit home with me. I remember what that felt like when my husband cheated on me. The emotional reality of failure in marriage is very painful. My heart goes out to you. Revenge against your wife isn’t the answer (after all, you have children with her) but that guy’s wife? She’s probably living inside that “mysterious lack” and blaming herself. Tell her.

  28. OK … clarification is sorely needed. This Hate Train knows no gender bias.

    @ 16: Pussy. Finding her dead will send a message that infidelity = you’re dead.

    @ 21: Brilliant! Paternity test the kids, though even if they are not his he’ll be on the hook for child support.

    @ 24: Wasn’t shooting for classy or dignified. All’s fair in love and war.

    @ 26: Glorious.

    @ 28: See iniital hate train comment. Or don’t. You’ll bitch either way.

  31. Ban Marriage and Ban Monogamy. You forced your wife and best friend to lie since so much was at stake. Joint bank accounts, cost of getting a divorce, family shame.

    If you were both living as self evolved individuals and didn’t need a co-dependent legal agreement to hold each other prisoner, who knows what would have happened?

    Never agree to sign you life away for some pipe dream called marriage. Never agree to be monogamous. If you are anyway, that’s nice, if a little boring.

    Don’t set yourself up for the pain and agony of defeat. Simply don’t play the marriage-monogamy game.

    You don’t own your wife, so don’t act like it. Let her go and be a gentleman about it.

    As far as his wife is concerned, have sex with her. Tell her what is going on and that you are there for her. If she pukes in your face, let her go.

    I think you need to explore gay sex. Gay guys generally have sex with their best friend’s partners and vice versa. Even if they don’t, it’s clearly understood that it is okay and no big deal.

    Lighten up dude. Stop thinking with your dick and start acting with your dick. The poor little thing sounds as if has been neglected for awhile. Go have some guilt free fun. Your wife has basically given you a get out of jail card for free. Use it.

  33. Sorry…your attorney can’t “destroy” her. Washington is home of the “no fault” divorce. What was yours before the marriage, is yours (unless wife contributed to what you had monetarily and other variables), what you grew together when you were married gets split or however you decide to do it.
    You can be pissed at your wife and best friend. You can shun them, tell everybody, BUT DON’T fuck up your kids and get them more involved than they already are. It’s not fair to them. Was/is the wife a good and decent mom? That is what matters here – take your anger to a good therapist, visit the websites others have suggested here. BUT DON’T put it on the kids! They don’t deserve it!
    Can you both move on either together or apart and parent your kids well? Hope so! Do it. Do what is best for your kids -short and long term!! NOT satisfy your short term revenge fantasies.
    An affair is/was a symptom of a bigger problem in a marriage. Where the fuck were you when the warning lights were on?

  34. I totally agree with #35. Marriage does not automatically guarantee happiness. You still have to work at it to keep up and in tune with each other. As soon as something feels wrong, the cards have to be put on the table. Waiting 3 years to do so was a huge mistake on I,Anon’s part. But he should look closely what was happening in his marriage in the 2 or 3 years PREVIOUS to that 3 yr stint. Was he being attentive to his wife? I’m willing to bet the answer is “no”. Probably because there are children involved, she took the passive-aggressive avenue and had an affair. It’s just too bad that she chose the best friend to do it with. People are fragile; all relationships, marriage or otherwise, require input and commitment in order to work. I’m betting that he didn’t spend much time with his wife or as a family, and that’s why it took him so long to figure it out.

  35. I hope #14 doesn’t have kids as well.

    There is no reason to poison the kids. They didn’t do anything wrong, and it is wrong to destroy their relationship with their mother. While it might be fun to think about your wife losing her connection with her kids, the important thing is that the biggest impact will be on the kids who don’t deserve that loss.

    Think of your kid’s best interests and work for that. Either your relationship with your wife is salvageable or it isn’t. If it is, great, your kids don’t need to know dick. If it isn’t, your kids need to know very little, and what they don’t need to know is that their mommy is a tramp. What they do need to know is that both their parents love them and that they can count on both of them.

  37. drop the “bread crumbs” and let her find out on her own… but make sure she does find out. I would be LIVID if someone held that from me!

  38. You make it sound like your “best friend” was the only adult in the room. She made her decisions. Why did she have sex with him and not you? Did you not satisfy her? Maybe sleeping with your friend was the only way she could stay with you? Basically her decision was “get some on the side or leave?”

  39. See your attorney and start divorce proceedings. Your ex-best friend’s wife will want to know why you’re getting a divorce. Just tell her that you just found out that your wife has been having an affair for about three years. Don’t go into details. With any luck, she’ll figure it out.

  41. Hire the best friend to initiate the divorce proceedings and make 15 minute appointments so you have to see him on a consistent basis.
    Then tell your so-called best friend (his wife) about the affair, get her drunk, secretly tape her while you fuck her in the ass. Then, go home and mouth fuck the whore of a wife with your shit stick. Film that too. Then during mediation figure out a way to play the video of you fucking his wife *your friend* in the ass AND your own whore-of-a-wife sucking your shit stick clean. After that, offer to pay your kids $5.00 every time they call “mommy” a “rotten cunt” to her face.
    Sit back and enjoy the next 15 years of your life paying out the ass for your wonderful little experiment called “marriage.”

  42. Why not come clean and try to figure out how you both got to this point in your lives? You married this woman for a reason. Somewhere, I hope, love wins out. We are all human animals, and lust and love is complicated.

    Keep the faith. Not all is lost. Try to rise above yourself. What else is life as we know it? Petty revenge? Be a man. Grow. Live. Love.

  44. Why tell her? So, someone else can be as unhappy as you? And, chances are, she already knows something is very wrong in their marriage.

  45. He doesn’t have to tell his friend’s wife anything. It’s going to be his wife – the one having the affair with her husband – who is going to feel compelled to tell the cheated on wife. Oh sure, she’ll say that she can’t handle the guilt and must confess, but what she really means is to tell her that she is soooooo super hot, that her husband broke his wedding vows and violated her trust to get some of that married woman’s ass.

    Sit back dude. Watch and enjoy the cat fight.

  46. He doesn’t have to tell his friend’s wife anything. It’s going to be his wife – the one having the affair with her husband – who is going to feel compelled to tell the cheated on wife. Oh sure, she’ll say that she can’t handle the guilt and must confess, but what she really means is to tell her that she is soooooo super hot, that her husband broke his wedding vows and violated her trust to get some of her married woman’s ass.

    Sit back dude. Watch and enjoy the cat fight.

  47. @46, the point of telling her is to give her the information she needs to make an informed decision. You said yourself she probably already knows something is wrong, but until she knows what that something is she can’t make an informed decision about what to do. And that decision is not necessarily going to be divorce. Some marriages have been saved by finding out the truth. It’s the cheating that is causing the hurt, not the discovery of it.

  48. @46, oh and the other point of telling her is IF he wants to save his own marriage, telling the other wife will put pressure on the affair and help end it. Affairs thrive on secrecy. End the secrecy and the thrill fades.

  49. @49 Don’t you know ignorance is bliss? It is a cliche but it is true. People who don’t accept reality are more likely to be happy than those who do. The other spouse may be perfectly happy in the marriage but telling her could make her world fall apart. How is she better off?

    @50 Ending THIS affair won’t save their marriage. If they don’t fix the underlying reason for the affair, she will be sleeping with someone else as soon as she feels she can get away with it.

  50. “Gay guys generally have sex with their best friend’s partners and vice versa. Even if they don’t, it’s clearly understood that it is okay and no big deal. “

    Really? its just no big deal and everyone’s cool with everyone fucking everyone? I highly doubt that.

    I read “I,anonymous” because there is always at least one feminist shouting “men are pigs!!!”

    women are just as scandalous if not more.

  52. Instead, how about all involved become grown-ups and accept that monogamy doesn’t work for the majority of us and admit you fell into the same age-old trap of unrealistic marriage expectations that most people fall into and made some promises you couldn’t keep, and realize it didn’t work for you and most likely never will, and instead of screaming at each other about it and making the rest of your kid’s lives hell, agree that you’re all in the same fucking boat and evolve a little bit by deciding to simply move on and leave this behind you?
    Or is that asking for too much?

  53. @the women who complained about “unsympathetic” men

    Women aren’t perfect, they aren’t as “pure as freshly fallen snow”, they aren’t paragons of virtue or unassailable icons of proper morality. Women are people. They make the same mistakes as men, and quite often at the same ratios as men. And for every bitter girlfriend that you may have, there are plenty of men who’ve been on the receiving end of women with “Daddy issues”, women with “ex-boyfriend” issues, women who feel that the quickest step towards “empowerment” is to act like a frat boy at his first party, and other stupid juvenile shit that is pulled by both sexes against each other (or their own gender). So, instead of jumping on the “men are pigs/assholes/etc.!”, bandwagon and circling the tents as soon as an “innocent maiden” is attacked for stepping out of her place, take a minute to remember that for every man who’s so indignant about reprehensible female behaviour that he decides to blurt it out incoherently on some random blog, there’s a woman who quite possibly tore his heart out of her body with his own teeth, then walked away while saying trite comments like, “This was a growing experience, for the both of us.”

    Relationship fuckery is a two-way street, and no amount of mental wrangling can mitigate the fact that it takes two to tango. Unless, of course, all of these men are projecting their anger on this specific woman due to all of them having met the “one crazy bitch” in the world who dared to smear the rest of you.

    @the original writer

    I hate to flip the script like this, but you most definitely fucked up. Her cheating on you wasn’t your fault, her cheating on you at a level where she only let you fuck her enough to satisfy some random “marital sex” quota while she wrapped her legs around her lover as often as possible *is*. Even the stereotypical “seven year itch” doesn’t explain the idea of a woman who’s ready and willing to fuck some random (or not so random) guy over receiving carnal attention from her husband, so that’s all *you* and not your “friend’s” fault or your wife’s fault. A slip up between them, maybe on a holiday combined weekend or after you spent a few months working too hard to pay attention to her would be understandable (although still “unforgivable” by vanilla standards.) Her ability to put herself at his sexual beck and call while ignoring her own husband’s “needs” and obliterating the idea of her lover’s wife is inexcusable, if only for the implication that her sexual needs weren’t being met because you weren’t “man” enough for the job.

    I don’t care what went wrong. You’re too small, you’re too big, you’re too fast, you’re too slow, you’re too romantic, you’re too clinical, you only paid attention to her when you wanted to fuck, you smothered her to the point where she didn’t want to fuck you because she saw you as more of a child than a man. Whatever. A grown ass man should be able to “read” his wife’s emotions at some level and make an attempt to meet her needs. A grown ass man should pay enough _attention_ to his wife to be able to figure out that something is wrong long before a year has passed in the relationship. I’ve yet to meet a woman who constantly expects her husband to meet every single need, but you’re raging at them because it took you three years to figure out that there was something wrong with a marriage in which the wife would only let her husband have sex with her on a seasonal basis?

    Marriage isn’t chess, it checkers! The first time that you poked your wife on the back with your cock and she murmured over the covers, “Not until the leaves fall, dear.”, should have been enough of a hint that something was wrong. Instead, you decided to live in some sort of sitcom dad daze until you were confronted with living proof that your wife wasn’t some sort of android cooking machine with a rarely used pussy!? Are you serious? And then you post some drama-laden diatribe about being betrayed by your “best friend” while mentioning that your “best friend’s wife” is also one of your “best friends”? You’re seriously taking the piss on that one.

    Anyway, it’s done. Get DNA tests done on the child(ren), start transferring as many of your accounts into your name as possible and contact a lawyer. Split up clean, then take a good look at yourself before you decide to bring more “drama” into the lives of non-related people, because the levels of idiocy that you’ve evinced in your post are enough to make me think that none of you (you, your wife, your “friend” or his wife) should be anywhere near each other.

    Or, of course, you could do the adult thing and actually pull everyone aside and figure out where everything went wrong, then put the pieces of the puzzle back together with the new information. Oh wait, I said “adult”, how silly of me. Let me get back on the bandwagon.

    “Blah blah blah, whore wife, blah blah bastard friend with hairy back, blah blah she let him fuck her whenever he had time, blah blah I’m really in lust with my friend’s wife as much as I knew that he was in lust with mine but we could never do something as simple as a weekend swap because that would be ‘wrong’, blah blah ‘Tell me that I should fuck his wife for revenge, random strangers on the Internet!’, blah blah blah.”

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