You and I drink every night. A lot. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t sleep if I’m sober; neither can you. When we try, we both have terrifying nightmares. We don’t let that happen two nights in a row.
Once or twice a week, you get violent. I wake up with a split lip, bruised arms, and no recollection of how it started or how it ended. The bedroom door is broken, the closet door is broken, the bookshelf is in shambles, everything is a new mystery.
Before we met, I was so responsible and productive. I had a fully stocked bar that had stayed that way for years on end. Now I’m just functioning. Our friends know that we’re sick. But they don’t know about the beatings. I put on makeup, wear turtlenecks, and go to work no matter what.
Is this the way we will be for the rest of our lives? Will I wake up dead before long? You’re still my favorite person ever. Yet, I miss the person I was for so long. She was pretty fucking cool. Remember?
I’m planning my escape. I will disappear on my own terms. It’s a big planet, and I have a valid passport. I have no ties. You’ll be so easy to forget. Like we never even happened. 
This is a good piece of writing…simple, powerful…painfully beautiful…
Nobody’s suggested putting up video cameras in your living space to figure out why your partner is hitting you. Maybe you’re picking fights and can’t remember that, either.
You can’t change an alcoholic, I learned to my sad dismay. Unless your partner agrees that he or she must stop drinking, the only thing you can count on is that YOU start drinking.
Been through a similar experience myself. I wish he’d been sober so we could have stayed together. But eventually, the drinking eats up all the good things: the joy, the love, the sex, the happiness and leaves all the bad things and the only way to recapture yourself is to let go of the other person.
God, that was a cut above the usual ranting.
Good luck, Anon. But make sure those grand plans aren’t just grand plans – get out. Get away. It sounds like that’d be the best thing for your current SO as well.
Just fix the booze thing. And get counselling at some point.
Hopefully they both end up dead.
Luke Burbank???
jeeze! this was deep!! hope you make it
Don’t fool yourself that makeup and turtlenecks fool anyone. They all know how sick you both are and about the beatings. Get out, get well, get over it.
@33, sudden cessation of alcohol isn’t necessarily a health danger. I was drinking a lot in college till Mom commented about it, and went cold-turkey just like that, for several months. My friends and I decided we were relying on drinking too much to have fun, can’t we have fun without drinking? And we proved we could. I hope this lady learns she can find a SO without having alcohol or drugs as the tie that binds them.