Dear Ex-Roommate: Remember when you went away for the weekend and
asked me to take care of your cats? When you came back, you found a big
scratch on one of their faces, and both of them were cranky and extra
needy. That’s because one night I got wasted and forgot to close the
back door. When I woke up in the morning, I found muddy paw prints all
over the kitchen floor. I think they were raccoon prints. Also, the
cats’ food dish was upside down and empty, and the kitchen was filthy
and obviously rummaged through by a wild animal. One of the cats was
hiding behind the washing machine in the laundry room and wouldn’t come
out. I blamed the scratch on your other cat, telling you they were
fighting while you were gone. I did my best to erase all the evidence.
But you know what? I didn’t feel bad at all, because you and your
goddamned cats were the most annoying, high-strung, chatty, needy
creatures I’ve ever lived with. I now live with two mellow, easygoing
people and their mellow, easygoing pets. I knew the guy you flew miles
away to meet and hook up with would reject you, because you never relax
and you never shut up. Good riddance,
annoying bitch. 
I, Anonymous
It’s My Fault Your Cats Are Traumatized
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Dear Zowie, Reader Comment #7. More facts emerge everyday that the banking bailout was a scam for the rich bankers. http://preview.tinyurl.com/bailoutsfgate
Dan Savage and other readings take my mind off the ape shit world of apathetic americans enough to keep me sane.
i anonymous would not publish my cheeky political satire even if I were Dave Eggers. It would have to be one of those themes like “I hate my roomate” or something like that…. written from the standpoint of the White House servants.
I had an annoying roommate with three even more annoying cats. When she went out of town I fed the cats laxatives and locked them in her room.
Oh, good, another prick I want out of my city.
Go home, asshole.
How about the next time you pass out drunk with the door open, I send a few drunk, homeless sex offenders in? Would you like that? I sure would. Or maybe send in a proportionally-equivalent wild animal into your room? So the raccoon was probably 6x the combined weight of the cats, and you sound like a whiny, anorexic bitch weighing about a hundred pounds, so maybe a puma would be an equivalent match-up. Care to predict your medical condition afterwards? I’m sure the cat with the scratch will fare much, much better. PETA- pumas eating total assholes.
How nice. Someone who thinks being unkind to creatures is a way to pay back an undesirable person. May you fall in the ice and get a good firm thump in the head – maybe it will dislodge the POS in your brain.
you pathetic humorless seattle douchebags. fuck those stupid cats. you act like the guy molested a kid. get over yourselves. ‘oh we’re so laid-back and liberal and love gays and free sex and pot’. what a bunch of bullshit! you’re uptight, rigid, PC-humping caucasian thought-police infuriated by anyone who doesn’t subscribe to the snarky bullshit you call a ‘culture.’ i was born in seattle and thank god i got out. it used to be just a redneck armpit on the torso of america; now it’s a hipster-soaked shithole and STILL full of rednecks, albeit ones wearing black clothes or flannel and sipping lattes. strap yourselves to a hydroplane, pop open a rainier, crank up the van halen and FUCK OFF you sanctimonious assholes!
meow!
I work at a no-kill animal shelter. I’ve had to go to the local “pound” to rescue animals more than once. I’ve seen barrels and barrels of dead kittens, cats, dogs and puppies being dumped into big dump trucks at said facilities. Perfect little animals that could have been adopted, but weren’t, thanks to our awesome society.
The “tech” sticks a syringe full of Euthosal directly into their heart, hard, to penetrate the breast plate. Euthosal is a thick pink substance. It doesn’t kill them instantly, takes 4 or 5 minutes. They are placed in a cold black plastic bag while they die. No one is there to comfort them or let them know thay they are loved. I hate people, I love animals.
Those cats are lucky to have a home. At least they aren’t dying in a shelter somewhere, but I would never let a person into my home that mistreated my animals.
Are all the ex-roomates in this town fucking nuts? Everyone has a made up story like this.
I love my cat. And I accidentally leave my door open now and then. I don’t want any raccoons to hurt or kill him. But he goes outside, because he nags and whines and cries and bites me until I faring let him the hell out. So I do. I try my best to keep him from going out at night.
But come on, calm down, shit happens, the kitties are okay, and now they know to run the fark away from large mammals if they see them.
Maybe the reason your ex-roommate couldn’t relax is that your ex-roommate was living with a raging alcoholic who has no compassion for animals. If you can’t even do a simple thing like keep the door closed, maybe you shouldn’t drink that much. DUH!
Eh, it happens…
…. to be honest, cats love domestication, to a certain extent 🙂 all the free food, the pats, the warmth, the love….you know a cat knows when its got a good thing going. And they can be annoying, when im high on acid, they’re over me like a rash….but yeah cats, like people, like frogs, like birds, some you like, others, eh…someone for everyone right? As for anonymous, accidents happen, cant love everyone…can feel sorry sometimes though, funny that …
po’ ridder gatos!
Thanks. This was fuckin’ hilarious. Here’s to all of the suckers that have had to babysit shitty pets for their roommates!
shut the fuck up.
i totally sympathize with this person.
fuck cats, fuck annoying roomies.
i’d probably do the same thing.
not maliciously, not on purpose, but because i was wasted and forgot to close the door.
give him/her a break.
Hucker, “had to” babysit? No one has to babysit a pet. There’s this little word called “no” – when you’re unwilling or unable to do something you use it. If you choose not to, you shouldn’t complain.