We met on OkCupid. You were my first online date in years, after mending my heart after a bad breakup. You were the “perfect guy”—six-feet-four (really six-feet-three) and you wined and dined me like no other. I really thought this is too good to be true—and between the weekend getaways, flower deliveries, notes under my door, and constant compliments I had a gut feeling something wasn’t quite right.
You never answered your phone or let me come over to your apartment because it was “dirty,” like I gave a fuck. After three months of dating, I finally came over to your place to find a stark, empty, seemingly staged apartment. You met my family, listened to my secrets, told me you loved me, had sex with me—all the while living a double life. You waited six months to tell me you were in an open relationship and lived with her! I was the only one not open in this relationship. You two lived together in your slimy little studio and had been together for over five years. I would call this emotional rape.
The sickest part is she knew all about me. You even sent her into my salon for a haircut, and we all went to get drinks (no big deal to me, because she was your “best friend”). You two are the most dysfunctional, sick, selfish, fucked-up people I have ever met. Next time you are looking for a third for your open relationship, make sure all parties are consenting.
—Anonymous
And that’s what you get when your definition of “perfect guy” is 6 foot 4.
Wouldve been some sweet revenge had you played it cool, told the ‘best friend’ to come back for a free hair cut and MANGLE THE BITCHES HAIR REE GOO!
@ 1: Perhaps she’s a really tall woman, and she’s had a hard time finding a man who’s taller? Just guessing here.
Always trust what your subconscious is trying to tell you.
Gee, I wonder if the person who posted the first comment is a bitter short guy.
@3
Shut your weeaboo ass up, chanbait.
Your gut feeling exists for a reason. Listen to it.
I’m a little baffled by this – although, people being people, I definitely buy it. How exactly was the guy’s gf okay with him concealing their relationship from Anon? Do they both get some kind of weird sadistic thrill out of it, or are they just so daft that they really think this is how open relationships work? In any case, both of them need a punch in the face. Ugh.
@5 – Is there another kind of short guy? I don’t know, short people all look the same to me.
Emotional rape? How about taking a little responsible for being shallow? You blinded herself because he was 6’4, wine and dining you and good in bed. He was pretty obviously cheating, and you’re using terms like “emotional rape”? You need to do some soul searching and smarten up. This is at least 50% your fault and maybe more.
@ #10 – Uh, no – HE had an obligation to reveal his other relationship. He was just being selfish because he knew it would be more difficult to “score” had he been honest. I’ve met plenty of sickos in my day who lie through their teeth just to get their kicks and I have a real problem figuring people like that out. And his live-in gf sounds like an even bigger piece of work.
I’m on IA’s side. On Okcupid you declare your status: single, married, or seeing someone. I presume he didn’t pick seeing someone, making him a manipulative son of a bitch. She fell for it being dumb, temporarily or permanently, but trusting.
@10 – Sometimes 6’4″ guys who like to wine and dine and are good in bed are single, even if we are uneasy about bringing people home to see our filthy apartments.
When I first read this, I thought, “This is the most sympathetic OP we’ve had in a while. I wonder how the Slog commenters will piss all over her anyway.”
Thanks, @1 and @10!
“emotional rape” …I don’t know why but this term bothers me. Anon, if you read this, damn girl, you really got the raw end of the deal. Always listen to your gut and remember that getting completely mind-fucked by a total douchebag happens to almost everyone. It was not your fault that these people decided to play mind games with you, do not take this personally. Get up, dust off and find some genuine nice guys to date (I promise they exist!).
ouch. How not to do poly 101
I hate over-use of the word rape, but it does fit here. Her consent was predicated on a certain set of facts (him being single and them being exclusive).
I don’t get the criticism, either. It’s as if a woman is only supposed to date men they aren’t physically attracted to, who don’t court them, and who are bad in bed, otherwise she is just asking to be lied to and taken advantage of. Ridiculous.
@5: Lots of short guys are funny, happy with who they are and not bitter.
Damn it, I meant @9. Sorry. Brain short-circuited.
The guy’s a scumbag. Not your fault.
Who says the girlfriend really knew the extent of what her idiot boyfriend was doing? Maybe she okayed him for a casual fling and didn’t know it was so extreme (i.e., maybe any “I love you” crap with the fling is a dealbreaker, but he disregarded her wishes as well)? If she knew about all of it, then she’s a scumbag as well.
@9: “Short people got nobody to love…”
The staged apartment has me flummoxed. Also, the never answering his phone, if the gf was in on it.
wow, what a bunch of weird comments. This is indeed one of the more sympathetic anon’s I can remember reading in quiet some time.
To anon: I don’t think that this was ever even a misguided attempt at an “open relationship”. From what you described, it sounds like two total pieces of work getting their kicks out of fucking with you.
When people go to such great lengths to disceive you, there really is very little to go on to get tipped off. I’m sorry these two people were such total scumbags and wish you the best of luck getting back out there and finding someone who is worth your while.
Btw, @2, hilarious! ;-D
What assholes! Darlin’, you’re absolutely right to be pissed! How dare they use you, your time, energy and emotions in their little games without having the basic decency to tell you that you were part of the game!
Oh, and Sugar, not to add to your worries but you might want to visit a clinic for a full panel STD screening. These dirtbags could have exposed you to more than heartache and justified anger.
Exactly why I deleted my Ok Cupid account. A similar thing happened to me. Move on, you can do better.
I don’t see how this could be “at least” 50% this lady’s fault: lying about a significant other you are with covers at least half. Failing to see the deception, however wilfully, isn’t as bad as the deception in the first place.
@10 You moron. Is it suddenly shallow now to enjoy being treated nicely by an attractive person you’re interested in? She doesn’t even say his looks blinded her to bad treatment by him. In fact, he was great to her most of the time. The only clue that something was wrong was his reluctance to show her his apartment, which to me does not immediately scream “hidden double life” so I fail to see how this is 50% her fault.
This is soooooooo not your fault. Don’t listen to anyone that says it is. So, yeah, you had a “gut feeling” but if I was one of your friends and you told me that, I would have told you it was because of your previous bad break-up. Don’t beat yourself up too much. BLAME THEM.
It’s not your fault at all. My only ever so slight criticism is that you wasted your time on an I Anonymous submission. That jerk isn’t going to give a shit.
And here I was, thinking that the first rule of I, Anonymous was that IA is to blame. And the second rule of I, Anonymous is that IA is to blame.
This is a not-your-fault-but-still-your-fault question. Sure, he’s a liar. Got it. You walked. Got it. I don’t see that the two of you made any commitments other than exchanging fluids. The rest is not your problem; the problem (see rule #1 and rule #2) is that by being all wound up about it, and staying all wound up about it, you start to turn into a nutjob, too.
Oog. My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, and we would NEVER do that to somebody. That is so sick I don’t even know where to begin!
The way to have an open relationship is to be OPEN and HONEST with EVERYONE, not lie and cheat to get some extra pussy!
I mean think about it…. Why would you want one girl who loves you and one girl who you had to lie to keep, or two girls who love you for who you are?
Something that really resonated with me as I was in a “wonderful” relationship that turned into a god-awful abusive nightmare is the notion that charm is not a personality trait but a learned skill – and indeed a skill that is effectively used by psychopaths/sociopaths. So much for a stable family background filtering out the baddies… I really wish I would’ve just listened to my gut instincts off the bat and saved three years of my life. Don’t blame yourself, Anon. Be glad that you got rid of that asshat.
“You two lived together in your slimy little studio and had been together for over five years. I would call this emotional rape.”
Emotional deception is not emotional assault, IMO.
That usage sounds dangerously close to http://articles.cnn.com/2010-07-21/world…
“mending my heart after a bad breakup. You were the “perfect guy” “
Also, while I agree that he’s a major weirdo douchenozzle, I think from the phrasing here, that you were also placing things on him that never existed in reality.
No doubt that what this guy did was terrible- seriously shitty and manipulative and downright cruel- but calling it “emotional rape” squicks me out. For one thing it’s simply inaccurate, your usage doesn’t fit with any definition of rape (such as sexually forcing oneself on another). But more importantly, don’t you think this usage kind of trivializes actual rape?
They were wrong and manipulative, but please, stop throwing the word “rape” around. It makes you seem like a drama queen and discredits you.
he was living in a studio with his real gf because he was fronting the money to have a staged apartment to show off. that’s the really objectionable part!
Staged apartment = Total psycho. Seriously. Get a full STD screen. This guy is nuts.
@43: He may be in property management and have access to empty “show” apartments.
#40:
Is it just me, or does anyone else think “Major Weirdo Douchenozzle” could have been a character in CATCH-22?
@31 exactly! I don’t think she’s wrong for being angry and humiliated and feeling violated-anyone would. But in the grand scheme of things, maybe she can take it as a lesson to always listen to her instincts. We all play the fool at times and at least the dude with the creepy fake apt. wasn’t a serial killer. It’s like, ok, what really happened here? Some random dude off the internet lied (big surprise, right?) and some crazy bitch went to her hairdresser- creepy, but not the end of the world. As long as it didn’t turn into a fatal attraction scenario, it’s not that bad after all. Live and learn and then carpe diem.
OKcupid?
LMAO @ the editor who can’t detect viral spam.
Short people got no reason to live.
Lmao@ 50
This is what you get when you go for the attractive smooth talker. Men fall for the same shit, plastic women with bleached hair. Does no one give a fuck anymore?
Your fault for caring how tall he was instead of how sincere he was. Stop being shallow and you wont be “emotionally raped.”
Why is it that every short guy on every forum I frequent is so bitter and insecure? It’s as if they don’t take responsibility for having a happy life.
@18, it’s the conjunction of “wined and dined” plus “filthy apartment.”
meticulous, thoughtful, reasonably-well-off grownups that have money to blow like that don’t have filthy apartments. they either pick their shit up when the new girly comes over, or they pay someone to do it.
If it seems to good to be true, that is because it is
The only thing stupid about the OP is equating this to rape. Sorry, but being lied to and cheated on and having your heart metaphorically ripped from your chest is nothing like being literally raped. Using it as a metaphor cheapens actual rape, which is much, much worse than what you went through.
But I am sorry for what happened to you. I hope you found a way to communicate to him that what he’s doing isn’t cool. Otherwise, he’ll keep on doing it. He might keep on doing it anyway, but if he isn’t told it’s wrong then he’s guaranteed to do so.
I’m only going to be semi-critical. IDK, I don’t think you should assume exclusivity. If you want exclusivity you are supposed to ask. After 2 months why weren’t you asking him where the relationship was going? But no matter what at least it was only 3 months. I hope you can get over this and move on.