Oh, what a difference a year makes! Remember last summer when
you were a freaking nervous wreck? Obama was doing ohhkay in the polls,
but not well enough to stop our bladders from spontaneously releasing
any time the names “McCain” or (even worse) “Palin” were mentioned. So
suffice it to say, when July 4 rolled around, we weren’t feeling
exactly… ohhh, how do you say… “patriotic.”
Obviously what was needed was someone—a TRUE American—to
write a TV column so engorged with patriotism and anti-foreigner
sentiment that it would inspire everyone to stop blubbering like a fat
kid who dropped his cake and start acting like a goddamn citizen of the
greatest country in the goddamn cosmos! (And in case you’re wondering,
the goddamn country I was referring to was the UNITED FREAKING STATES
OF AMERICA and the goddamn TV-column writer was ME! Goddamnit!!)
As we now know, that TV column was wildly
successful—refilling America’s eager mouth with piss and
vinegar. (Okay, fine… Obama helped a bit, too.) Bearing that in mind,
I’ve decided to run the column again, because (a) some of you
blubberers must have missed it—hence the continued blubbering,
(b) I’m intending on selling laminated copies of it for $5 a pop, and
(c) there is absolutely nothing good on television this week. Happy
b-day, America!
AMERICA: WHY I LOVE HER (MORE!)
Why do I love America? I love America because if you asked that
stupid question in any other country, they’d haul you off to a filthy
prison and mutilate your genitals. These are the same countries that
accuse US of torturing suspected terrorists. Well, you know
what? Those countries torture ME by not being America. Seriously…
“world music”? Instead of blowing didgeridoos or “throat chanting,” why
don’t you just throw two cats into a cement mixer and knock off
early?
And don’t get me started on foreign food. Did you know there are
countries that actually worship cows, instead of grinding them
up and mixing ’em into macaroni and cheese? Look, if you prefer to squat over a hole in the ground rather than sit on a nice padded
toilet seat, then BY ALL MEANS, leave America.
Here’s what America has that other countries don’t: Batman
SpaghettiOs, a Starbucks within a rock’s throw of another Starbucks,
Las Vegas, Tila Tequila, frat boys, Steven Seagal energy drinks,
internet porn (in ENGLISH), Arby’s, Cathy (the comic strip),
soap, puritanical values, peanut butter and jelly mixed in the same
jar, Iron Man, Scientology, Whoppers, internet trolls, circus
peanuts, dentistry, Battlestar Galactica, factory-farmed
beef, Puerto Rico, Crocs, Eddie Murphy, and those big foam fingers that
say “America #1!”
So thank you, America… thank you for your rolling hills, your
crashing waves, your eagles soaring so high. Thank you for your
economic-stimulus checks, your hot chicks who sleep with
less-than-attractive guys, and your lamination process that allows
me to sell these columns for $5 a pop. But most of all, thank you,
America, for allowing someone like me to write a TV column in the
greatest country in the world… and then take the rest of the day off
to deep-throat a corn dog. 
THURSDAY, JULY 2
9:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?
If you’d like to see pure, unadulterated psychosis in action,
look no further than the judges’ table.
11:30 CBS LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
Tonight with Sandra Bullock and PJ Harvey? That’s a match made in
bizarro heaven.
FRIDAY, JULY 3
8:00 FOX ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?
Season premiere! My mortal nemesis of a show returns (but at
least they have a professional eating champion as a
contestant).
8:30 ABC THE GOODE FAMILY
Helen becomes the sensation of the graffiti-artist community when
Elvis Costello honors her work!
SATURDAY, JULY 4
9:00 NBC MACY’S 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
Costarring Rob Thomas and Jewel? Forget the “spectacular” part.
10:00 CBS BOSTON POPS FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
Costarring Craig Ferguson and Neil Diamond? Now that’s edging toward
“spectacular”!
SUNDAY, JULY 5
8:00 NBC MERLIN
Don’t miss this cheese-errific reimagining of The O.C. set in
Camelot. Tonight, Lancelot (aka the “surf nazi”) arrives.
MONDAY, JULY 6
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Jillian and the guys jet off to Madrid in another attempt to
disguise the fact that she isn’t very attractive.
10:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST
Kathy’s newest scheme to get on the A-list? Write a tell-all book
about Ryan Seacrest! (That ought to do it.)
TUESDAY, JULY 7
8:00 NBC GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP
Debut! Seven families drive across the country, stopping to compete
in humorous (read: humiliating) challenges.
9:00 SCIFI WAREHOUSE 13
Debut! A secret government warehouse stores all of America’s
occult/alien secrets—and a bunch of disgruntled employees.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 8
8:00 VS. TOUR DE FRANCE
Let me summarize it: Ride, ride, ride, drink water, ride, ride,
ride, pump up tires, ride, ride, ride, repeat.
10:30 COM RENO 911!
Season finale! Williams is forced to go into couples’ therapy with
Wiegel, and may god help us all.