Last week, Anatoly Pakhomov, the mayor of Sochi in Russia—where they’re holding this year’s Winter Olympics—actually said these words to a reporter: “We do not have [homosexuals] in our city.”
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!
You know what else they don’t have? Vodka! And fuzzy fur hats! And borscht! Babushkas! People named “Yuri”! Statues of Lenin! Nesting dolls! Russian brides! Russian bears! Hammers and/or sickles! And “moose and squirrel”! LOOK. I’ve boned people of every gender in every country in the world (what can I say? It was on my “bucket list”), and take it from me, mayor of Sochi—there are definitely LGBTQ people in Sochi. (Confidential to Nikolai: I think I left my “piroshki” in your “KGB” [kickass gorgeous BOOOTAAAAAY! High five!!])
Now, Mayor Pakhomov’s selective blindness shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, especially since Russian president Vladimir Putin enacted laws last year banning the dissemination of “gay propaganda” to children. (Note: This is the same guy who likes to pose shirtless while riding a horse. I agree—no child should ever have to see that.) HOWEVER! It sounds to me like Sochi’s mayor is practically daring us to make this the GAYEST Olympics ever. And Mr. Pakhomov? I happily accept your challenge!
The Winter Olympics start this Thursday, February 6, and continue through February 23 (see nbcolympics.com for the full TV schedule), and trust me—it’s not gonna be very difficult to put the “gay” back in “gay-mes.” The Winter Olympics are already one fake eyelash shy of a drag show, and so with just a few minor tweaks, this year’s games could be the gayest yet! FOR EXAMPLE:
BOBSLED: While this sport is sufficiently gay already—two to four people ramming their crotches into their partners’ rear ends—would it be a crime to have the bobsledders occasionally doing it face to face? (This was a common complaint I’d often hear from the second Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey.)
SPEED SKATING: Again, already excellently gay—especially those sexy skintight outfits. As for any extra additions, I only have two words: Nipple. Rings.
CURLING: Ummmm… gay enough!
SKI JUMPING: Upon sticking the landing, the competitor must throw his or her arms in the air and scream “FABULOUS!”
BIATHLON: Instead of combining cross-country skiing with rifle shooting, how about cross-country skiing with Jell-O shots? (Sorry, frat boys. Jell-O shots are now officially under the purview of “gay.”)
ICE HOCKEY: Fun… but TOO… VIOLENT. Instead of throwing punches, what’s wrong with the occasional sharp-tongued retort about hairstyles or an off-color belt?
SNOWBOARDING: What’s with all the heavy coats and pants? Lose the bulky outerwear and strip down to bikini briefs. Boom! Gay!
SKELETON: Okay, this is a toughie. First of all, there’s nothing even remotely sexy about the word “skeleton” (with the possible exception of “bone”). Secondly, WHAT THE FREAK IS IT? My Wikipedia tells me “Skeleton” is a sport where a single competitor lies facedown on a small sled and races down an ice-covered track, reaching speeds of up to 90 mph. Okay, FINE. Whatever! Let the heterosexuals have this one.
FIGURE SKATING: Ummmmm… actually, I’m thinking we might want to dial this one back a bit. 
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5
8:00 CW ARROW
The Bronze Tiger escapes from jail and steals an earthquake machine. That is the dumbest sentence I’ve ever written.
10:00 COM WORKAHOLICS
In order to have an office fish fry, the guys have to find Alice a sex partner. (Second dumbest sentence.)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6
8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
The games kick off with… the first ever TEAM figure skating event?!? This is going to be so gloriously terrible!
10:00 IFC THE SPOILS OF BABYLON
Series finale! Winston vows to take revenge on his family, while simultaneously ruining Christmas.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7
8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
In order to piss off Putin, the opening ceremonies will feature the “International Parade of Gays.”
10:00 SYFY HELIX
Alan and Jordan would make more headway on a cure if they stopped slipping in black goo.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8
8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
Tonight, snowboarding with gold-medal-winning Carrot Top look-alike Shaun White.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Now that they’ve lost the prison, the gang regroups and decides which zombie skull to squash next.
9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE
In an effort to find their suspect, Hart and Cohle find themselves in the deepest of doo-doo.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10
8:00 SYFY BITTEN
Elena is haunted by memories of becoming a werewolf, as well as her neighbor, who is cooking steak.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11
8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
Tonight, the snowboarding half-pipe competition, and ski jumping (stick the landing, arms up, “FABULOUS!”).
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Alison is attacked, which means Raylan is gonna be using somebody’s spleen for target practice.
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