Okay, guys! There’s obviously a HUGE problem with the way your
company or organization is doing its annual Secret Santa gift
exchange—because it BLOWS. Seriously, do you think I have time
for this? Do you think I have time to go around solving the
world’s Secret Santa problems? WELL, I DON’T. So I’m devoting this
column to informing you of the RIGHT—or as it’s better known, the
ONLY—way to properly do a Secret Santa gift exchange.
(By the way, if you’re thinking about sending me a mean e-mail
telling me this column has nothing to do with TV and I should be
fired for being such a useless hack, I hereby invite you to EAT ME,
because Thursday’s episodes of The Office and 30 Rock both have a Secret Santa theme, and their Secret Santa exchanges blow,
too. So… EAT ME.)
Okay, here’s the way a normal Secret Santa exchange plays out: You
write down everybody’s name! You throw ’em in a hat! Everybody
picks a name! They buy that person a present! They wrap the present,
without signing their name! At the Secret Santa giveaway, everybody
unwraps their present and tries to guess who gave it to them! When they
can’t, the giver confesses! Then everybody laughs! Though they’re
secretly crying inside! Because they really hate their life! And
their job! And especially this miserable excuse for a Secret Santa,
which BLOOOOOOOWS!
Conversely, here’s how an awesome
Secret Santa exchange goes
down: First of all, it’s not Secret Santa, it’s Secret Sexual
Harasser. (See? It’s better already.) Everybody’s name goes into a
hat! Everybody picks a name! Then they take a Polaroid picture of their
genitalia! Then they wrap it, without signing their name! Then, at the
giveaway, everybody unwraps their pictures and tries to guess whose
genitalia belong to whom! When they can’t, the giver confesses, and
proves it by comparing the picture to their own genitalia! Then
everybody laughs!
And screws.
Okay, so maybe some businesses might be uncomfortable with this
version of the game. So how about this one? It’s called Secret
Satan. Everybody’s name goes into a hat! Everybody picks a name!
You take that person’s name and put it into a metal pot along with a
raven’s eye, a monkey’s paw, and the pubic hair of a virgin. Then
you place it inside a pentagram and set it on fire. Say the following
incantation: “Malika-tanu! Ishtay-viznok! Calli-ambray fellistino
niktu! SAKALA!!” Then on the day of the gift exchange, that person gets
hit by a bus. And whoever survives tries to guess which devil
worshipper caused it to happen!
And everybody laughs?
Hmmm. Okay, how about this one? Everybody’s name goes into a hat!
Everybody picks a name! But get this: The boss picks a name and
gives that person a BRAND-NEW CAR. Then when the person squeals in glee
about getting a new car, the boss brings in a crippled kid and says,
“Don’t you think you should give the car to this crippled kid?” And if
the person says “no,” they get fired! And everybody laughs!
Because that person was a dick, right?
Hey, that’s what Santa would do. 
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Another “Secret Santa” party is ruined when Michael and Phyllis square off to see who plays Santa!
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Season finale! The gang decides to take on their old rivals in the city’s biggest flip-cup tournament. (And no, I have no idea what it means, either.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11
8:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Echo struggles with multiple-memory downloads in this two-hour episode (aka Fox burning off the series as quickly as possible).
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12
8:00 FOX COPS
In this very special holiday episode, the cops find a john porking a prostitute in his car. Get it? Ho, ho, ho?
8:00 SPIKE VIDEO GAME AWARDS
The nerdtastic ceremony celebrating all things video-game. (So when’s Frogger getting a lifetime achievement award?)
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Twilight’s Taylor Lautner (me: “EEEEE!!!”). Musical guest Bon Jovi (my mom: “EEEEEEEE!!”).
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13
9:00 A&E THE JACKSONS: A FAMILY DYNASTY
Debut! A reality show depicting how the remaining Jackson brothers are trying to mount a comeback without Michael. Saaaaaaad.
10:00 ABC OPRAH’S CHRISTMAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Oprah tags along with the Obamas as they prepare what will undoubtedly be the cutest Christmas ever.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 14
8:00 ABC JENNIFER HUDSON: I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
The American Idol finalist and film star trots out the holiday classics—BUT WHERE IS CLAY AIKEN?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15
9:00 FOX GORDON RAMSAY: COOKALONG LIVE
The Hell’s Kitchen chef invites YOU to cook a three-course dinner with him… and don’t screw it up, you fucking donkey!
10:00 OXY BAD GIRLS CLUB
Flo and Natalie’s attempts to mend their relationship end with the pulling-out each other’s weaves.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16
10:00 A&E STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
This week, Seagal tops himself by breaking a suspect’s femur and then making him eat it.
10:00 FX NIP/TUCK
Season finale! Sean is asked to remove fat from a guy on death row. Please let this not end well!
Write down everybody’s name! Throw ’em in a hat!