AREN’T YOU JUST SICK of hearing the latest news about former Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman? ME NEITHER! As one of America’s premier television journalists, it’s the antics of former child-star dwarves, like Mr. Coleman, that allow me to keep my job and sustain the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed (i.e. making moolah hand over fist, getting free drinks, and accumulating a pile of “two-for-one” coupons from our city’s finest escort services). However! (And you just knew there was going to be a “However!” somewhere….) Since when did Gary Coleman suddenly become the cause célèbre for disaffected, honky, nouveau riche 20-nothings?
In a press release issued last week, UGO Networks, an Internet entertainment website, announced it had recently presented Gary Coleman with a check for (hold yer breath, folks. This ain’t gonna be pretty…) $10,000. Apparently, the rubes at UGO felt that the overwhelming amount of pain and suffering in the world should be ignored for the moment in favor of rescuing Coleman from the throes of bankruptcy. Gathering together the remains of Coleman’s supposedly shattered life and possessions, the company conducted an online auction, selling such items as his leather couch (which netted $427.50), as well as one of Coleman’s diminutive used shirts ($31). However, these items were small potatoes when compared to the big-ticket item of the auction: a romantic dream date with Coleman himself (acquired by the lucky, lucky former model Jennifer Vanlerberghe for the tidy sum of 4,000 smackers).
Now, I’m sorry, but things like this just make my head hurt. I’m not saying that Gary Coleman hasn’t had a rough life, but Puh-Puh-PUH-LEEEEEEEZE! I’m not even going to go into the mountainous list of people who deserve help more than Gary Coleman, but I will say two words and only two words: Vanilla… Ice. Let’s just leave it at that. Word to your mutha.
Okay, so some stoopid Internet company gives Gary Coleman 10,000 buckaroos: BIG FAWKING DEAL. Let him use the money to sniff cocaine off the bellies of prostitutes for all I care. The news that’s REALLY burrowing an extra hole in my ass is how the formerly bankrupt Gary Coleman has decided to (strap on those seatbelts, sweeties. This will definitely be a bumpy ride!) run for the California State Senate. In an interview with FOX News Channel, Coleman announced he will definitely be running for a Senate seat, adding he originally had his eye on New York, but decided on California when faced with competition from Hillary Rodham Clinton. Not a bad decision, especially since Hillary is at least two points ahead of him in the respectability polls.
Friends, my point is this: Gary Coleman must be stopped. NOW. If his momentum continues, Coleman will almost certainly become Senator Coleman, and what then? Our entire political process will be permanently poisoned by a potential tsunami of washed-up, bankrupt celebs running for presidential glory, which will undoubtedly include Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster), Macaulay Culkin, and (God forbid) M.C. Hammer. And nobody wants that. Stop Gary Coleman, and please Hammer… don’t hurt us.
Lose the zero (Coleman) and get with the hero (Humpy). steve@thestranger.com.