IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT that I consider the so-called “art” of poetry to be the delirious ravings of bipolar nerds and lonely spinster librarians. However! It doesn’t mean I’m not capable of doing it myself. The way I see it, there is both a time and place for poetic license, and poetry is ruined by those inclined to whip out their license at the drop of a hat. One must remember there are only a few subjects in the world worthy of poetic odes: one is cheese, another is Tom Selleck’s booshy moostache, and the other is what I am writing about today–TV’s hunkiest beefcakes.

Now, in the past, many famous poets have slit their wrists after reading my remarkable work. I would like to further encourage this practice, as the world will have no more use for these failures after reading the mind-blowing words I choose to impart upon the page. In other words, “Eat my ass, you bipolar, bargain-basement Jonathan Livingston Seagulls!”

ODE TO TV’S HUNKIEST BEEFCAKES
by Wm.™ Steven Hump-me

TV, TV–next to my wall,
Who is the hunkiest beefcake of all?
Who has the eyes that burrow my soul,
Or muscles that make me lose motor control?

TV, TV–can you please tell,
The name of the meatloaf I think is so swell!
Who has the voice so sweet and so deep,
And a booty so tight, it makes me scream “peep!”

TV, TV–please give me a clue,
Or would it might help if I mentioned a few?
Well, there’s David Boreanaz who’s an Angel for sure,
He’s a Hunky McHottie and luscious du jour!

TV, TV–I have another in mind,
He’s handsome and dreamy, and a beefcake divine!
He’s Casper Van Dien, and for the record I’ll state
On Titans, he speeds up my metabolic rate!

TV, TV–know who makes me sick?
It’s that waterhead jerkoff from Dawson’s Crick!
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him each week,
What’s his name? Oh yeah! James Van Der Beek!

TV, TV–what is that smell?
It’s Robert Downey Jr., and he’s just out of jail!
They gave him a job on Ally McBeal
But a washed-up junkie can’t make me squeal!

TV, TV–I’m getting off task!
Who is the hunkiest, I must again ask?
On Dark Angel there’s Logan, who’s packed nice and tight
And makes my pants look like a rocket launch site!

TV, TV–next to my wall,
Speak to me please, and answer my call!
If you cannot tell who the hottest might be
The hunkiest beefcake has got to be… ME!