I am unfortunate enough to work in an office where they allow dogs.
YES, I’ve read the statistics… employees are more relaxed,
productivity goes up… blah, blah, blah. And yet? I STILL DON’T LIKE
IT. Call me grumpy, but I have the same problem with dogs that I have
with any coworker who runs around barking, stares at me constantly
while I eat, and poops in my cubicle. Oh, and snaps viciously at my
face. Would human resources let my coworkers get away with that? HELL,
NO. And yet, when the guilty party is a pug by the name of Mr.
Rumpkiss, it’s suddenly a cause for hilarity rather than a “hostile
work environment” lawsuit!
But don’t get me wrong! When dogs aren’t urinating underneath my
desk or rubbing their pink penises on my ankle, I think they’re okay.
In fact, I’m really great at naming dogs. Here are a few examples if
you need one: “Mr. Fisticuffs,” “Randolph Manteeth,” “Reverend Scraps,”
“Rowdy!” (always with an exclamation mark), “Renee Zellwegger,” “Growly
McBarkenfeffer,” “Batman,” and “Marmaduke Goldstein.”
Actually, you can’t have that last one. Marmaduke Goldstein was my
former dog who (RIP) was the best goddamn dog in the world! That is, if
you don’t include the explosive diarrhea. But other than that? Perfect!
Okay… he made my house smell like a hippie’s shoe. Aaaaaand he would
occasionally snap at children—but only if they really deserved
it! Or kind of deserved it. As for the other people he bit? Well, I
didn’t know them well enough to make a character judgment. However, if
Marmaduke Goldstein bit them, there was a very good chance they were
somehow morally deficient.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that I love dogs (under
extremely controlled circumstances) and I love reality competitions (in
less than controlled circumstances). For example, this week marks the
debut of—and here’s the quote you can quote me on—”the most
AMAZING reality show ever!”
It’s laughably called Groomer Has It (Animal Planet, debuts
Sat April 12, 9 pm) and is exactly like Project Runway… except
with dog groomers. Another critical difference? While fashion designers
are widely regarded as nutbags, dog groomers are fawking certifiable!
Hosted by Queer Eye‘s Jai Rodriguez, 12 pro dog groomers compete
to become “Groomer of the Year” and win $50,000 and “a mobile grooming
salon.” But to get there, they have to impress a panel of really
weird-looking “dog experts” and, seemingly, suffer no less than three
psychotic breaks.
In one particularly hilarious moment, a contestant loses a challenge
and has a complete marijuana freak-out, grabbing his hair and
screaming, “I CAN’T STYLE A DOG THAT BIG IN 90 MINUTES!!” Meanwhile,
the other contestants are either clawing each other’s eyes out,
slipping into introspective comas, or in one person’s case, literally
smelling the dog’s ass to check for cleanliness! I’m pretty sure I’ve
never seen Tim Gunn do that.
This is why I intend to devote a season’s pass on my TiVo to
Groomer Has It. Because if a dog is gonna bite anyone’s face
off? I’d much rather watch it happen in someone else’s office.
