You win, Gossip Girl! Now, normally when I find myself
disagreeing with a TV show, I almost always emerge the winner.
Friday Night Lights? I don’t care if a billion people love you,
I think you STINK—therefore I WIN. And that animal show starring
the dead Crocodile Hunter’s daughter? Her big teeth creep me
out—therefore I WIN.
But this time? Gossip Girl wins. And not because it’s
secretly brilliant, and not because everyone else loves it. I’m giving
Gossip Girl another chance because it currently has no other
real competition in the “teen drama” genre—which, as you know, is
the only genre worth a bag of crap.
Is Gossip Girl as great as The O.C.? Most assuredly
not. The O.C. had two things going for it: (1) the hilarious
Seth Cohen, and (2) characters you never wanted to stop punching in the
face (primarily Marissa Cooper). That’s not to say I wouldn’t
face-punch any of the Gossip Girl cast, but at some point in
time I could imagine myself growing tired, and eventually giving up
punching them in the face. See the subtle difference?
Anyhoo, for the neophyte: Gossip Girl (CW, returns Mon April
21, 8 pm) is based on the young-adult books by Cecily von Ziegesar
about the promiscuous, drug-addled lives of upper-crust Manhattan
teens. The show is narrated by “Gossip Girl” (voiced by Veronica
Mars‘s Kristen Bell) who somehow witnesses and blogs everything
that goes on in these spoiled brats’ lives—yet is never actually
seen! That freaks me OUT! If I were poking some prep-school
harlot in the back seat of my Camaro, the last thing I’d want is some
anonymous creep blogging about it, thereby stealing my topic for next
week’s TV column.
Anyhoo II, the main characters are the hilariously named Blair
Waldorf and (I swear I’m not lying) Serena van der Woodsen—names
that sound like they were pulled from the International Escaped Nazi
Registry. Serena is all like, “Ooh, I’m sooo beautiful, but still
believe in true love.” And Blair is all like, “I’m HITLER, and I
escaped to Argentina, but now I live in Manhattan, wear plaid skirts,
and convince freshman girls they’re fat and ugly.” There are two other
rich guys, but I can never tell them apart because they have the EXACT
same haircut and are both dicks.
As far as I can surmise, the only nonrich people in this show share
my last name (Humphrey)—which I’m shocked to discover is a poor
person’s name. Dan Humphrey is a Gloomy Gus poet (who in the book,
chain-smoked cigarettes and occasionally slept with guys… like
another Humphrey I could name), and his little sister, Jenny, who is
tortured by Blair Adolf Hitler, and (unlike in the book) does NOT have
really big boobs (like another Humphrey I could name).
Anyhoo III: As you can tell, I am dreadfully unfamiliar with this
show—but I plan to correct this in the coming months. Why?
Because there are currently no other teen dramas out there with
Gossip Girl‘s weekly quotient of teen sex, drugs, and Third
Reich–style torture techniques. So… you win, Gossip
Girl! Or as the Krauts might say, “Du gewinnst!” 