So Barack Obama got Time magazine’s “Person of the Year”?
Whoopdee-f-bombing-doo! But wait… don’t get me wrong! Like the rest
of you, I sincerely believe that Obama poops unicorns and ejaculates
fairy dust. HOWEVER! Why did Time have to pick such an obvious
choice? I mean, seriously… was “Wolf” from American Gladiators even considered? Obama talks a good game, but have you ever seen
him on top of a gym-mat pyramid, picking up Gladiator contestants and hurling them to the ground like rag dolls, after which
they’re rushed to the spinal-injury ward? Have you ever heard Obama
say, “My fellow Americans… AHHH-ROOOOOO!”??
That’s why Time magazine should just dump the whole “Person
of the Year” concept and switch to something more entertaining. For
example? Oh, I don’t know… how about… the I ♥ TELEVISION™ “PEE-HOLE OF THE YEAR” AWARD™?
That’s right, it’s time to pay homage to the television celebrities of
2008 who hopped into the national spotlight, and then—like a
stubborn case of genital warts—refused to go away. The nominees,
if you please!
• The Ikki Twins! Though the idea of bisexual identical
twins may sound totally awesome IN THEORY, the sad reality is that the
sister stars of MTV’s Double Shot at Love (a dating show
involving straight dudes and lesbians) are like a double shotgun blast
of CRABS. (Not the delicious seafood kind.)
• Hologram will.i.am! Election night should’ve been the greatest night of our generation. So why did CNN have to ruin
everything with an in-studio hologram appearance from the
absolutely TERRIBLE hiphopper will.i.am? Holograms should only be called upon
to deliver news of the most vital importance—like Princess Leia
begging for help from Obi-Wan Kenobi, or nude Jessica Alba alerting me
that her clothes have fallen off and she’s warming up my bed.
• The cast of Whale Wars! Next to
Rachael Ray, these enviro-dumbasses are the most annoying people on TV.
A shipload of animal-rights activists boat around the ocean trying to
stop Japanese ships from hunting and killing whales—no problem
there, right? Except these guys are super-annoying pee-holes who throw
stink bombs, endanger each others’ lives, and argue incessantly over
who is the most morally superior. Umm, guys? The whales called, and
unless you leave, they’re gonna commit suicide.
But the grand-prize winner of 2008’s I ♥ Television™ “Pee-Hole of the Year”
Award™ is…
• Spencer Pratt of The Hills! Whether campaigning for John McCain or actively trying to ruin his
costars’ lives, Spencer Pratt (aka Hitler with a flesh beard) took his
pee-holishness to new and previously unattained heights while his
girlfriend Heidi Montag (aka the frigid sex android sent from the year
2247) stood passively by. Not only did Spencer emotionally terrorize
and scare away all her family and friends, he eventually tricked Heidi
into marrying him in Mexico after plying her with tequila shots.
Congratulations, Spencer! Of all the pee-holes on television, you’re
the pee-holiest! “Wolf” from American Gladiators will now
present your award, the “I ♥ Television™
Spinal Cord Bifurcation™.” 
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25
8:00 SOAP GENERAL HOSPITAL: XMAS PAST
Classic General Hospital episodes that will surely include good
tidings, cheer, and psychotic evil twins.
8:00 COM BAD SANTA—Movie
(2003) Billy Bob Thornton plays the nastiest Santa ever in this
sure-fire cure for the holidays.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26
8:00 ABC WIFE SWAP
An etiquette-obsessed mom switches places with a steroid-pumped
female weightlifter. Hilarity, you may now ensue!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27
8:00 NBC OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONIES
A repeat of the most amazing TV event of the year, which made
Americans feel like crap.
9:00 TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE: THE NEW FRONTIER—Movie
(2008) A cool animated version of the origins of the Justice League
set in the early ’60s!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie
(1965) Governess Julie Andrews kicks Nazi ass—via the power of
song!
10:30 HBO SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH
Season finale! It’s the premiere performance of Mr. G’s musical
about a dead student—produced in a very sensitive manner, of
course.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 29
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
In this repeat, Vanessa blackmails Blair, so Blair convinces Chuck
to seduce Vanessa, and… why can’t these kids get along?!
10:00 MTV THE CITY
Debut! Whitney from The Hills moves to NYC in this new “reality
(wink-wink)” show.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30
8:30 ABC RUDOLPH’S SHINY NEW YEAR
Father Time asks Rudolph to rescue Baby New Year. Hold on! Doesn’t
that count as a “reindeer game”?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK’S NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE WITH RYAN
SEACREST
Celebrate the New Year with Dick Clark (who I’m pretty sure is an
android).
11:00 FOX NEW YEAR’S EVE LIVE
Stunt cyclist Robbie Knievel jumps a volcano in Las Vegas! Top that,
android Dick Clark!
Send in your pee-hole nominees, pee-hole! steve@thestranger.com