Guys! I hope you packed an extra pair of tighty-whiteys (I know I always do), because this week’s TV schedule is jam-packed with shows designed to scare the poop into them! Which actually is pretty annoying. I mean, it’s fun to be scared—but if you’re like me and suffer from HTBD (hair-trigger bowel disorder), then a random startle can quickly turn into a VERY messy situation.
Example! The other day, I was in Costco marveling at a 37-pound can of boiled baby carrots, when some stupid ding-a-ling accidentally dropped a 75-pound box of “dandy monocles” right behind me. Naturally I assumed it was the vengeful ghost of Osama bin Laden crashing a stolen B-12 bomber filled with syphilis into the “gigantic bags of frozen chicken wings” aisle (because why wouldn’t he, right?), and a second later… PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF! My HTBD went off, and I’m standing there with a dookie ball the size of Jay Leno’s head in my pants. Which in Costco isn’t that unusual—but still! My underpants have better things to do with their time than to be assaulted in such an unseemly manner!
I have roughly 30 other examples… but time is short. That’s why I’m warning all other sufferers of HTBD to look out for the bowel-exploding horror that will be squirting out of your TV this week. For instance:
• The Walking Dead (season premiere, Sun Oct 14, 9 pm, AMC): After a season of boring us to tears on that STUPID farm, the zombie-killing survivors of The Walking Dead are back to doing what they do best: squashin’ some goddamn zombie skulls. RAH! The gang finds a new hideout—which, while crawling with the undead, at least isn’t as BORING as Old McDrunky’s Farm (E-I-E-I-O). You can also expect leader Rick to continue his slide into the moral abyss while teaming up with a maniacal tyrant called “The Governor,” and a katana-swinging zombie ninja named Michonne who is followed around by… AHH! TWO JAWLESS ZOMBIES?!? (PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF!) Damn it.
• American Horror Story (season premiere, Wed Oct 17, 10 pm, FX): While TV creator Ryan Murphy hits and misses on a regular basis (the abysmal Glee and the not-quite-good The New Normal being misses), last year’s American Horror Story was an out-of-the-park home run, in which the ball flew over the wall and into an adjacent street where it killed Gwyneth Paltrow who was trying to sell a poor person a $300 organic cotton “fair trade” fanny pack. This season features some of last year’s actors (Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, Zachary Quinto) in a brand-new—and very freaky—story line. It’s 1964, and the setting is a creepy East Coast asylum for the criminally insane run by a sadistic nun (Lange). Omigod, YES! The show also features a lesbian reporter (Paulson), freaky torture sequences, and “Shelly the Nymphomaniac” played by Chloe Sevigny. (PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF!) That last one was from sheer joy.
• Dog with a Blog (debut, Fri Oct 12, 9:30 pm, Disney): A new show. About a dog. That talks. And has a blog. WHAT… THE… (PFFFTTBBTTHHFFF!) Oh, my poor underpants. 