MONDAY, JUNE 10
The week begins with the surprise reappearance of Vernita Frazier, the
68-year-old Bremerton woman who mysteriously vanished two weeks
ago after going for a walk. Here’s the story: On May 28, Vernita Frazier
left her son’s home in Silverdale for her now-legendary walk. According to the
Associated Press, Mrs. Frazier suffers from “a mild case of dementia,”
but not a peep, bark, or squawk was heard from the mildly demented woman for nearly
12 days–despite the efforts of over 200 people, who searched the area within
a mile of the son’s home without success. But yesterday morning, a sunbathing
Silverdale woman heard strange sounds coming from behind her house. Initially
attributing the sounds to birds, the woman then heard a voice say, “Please
help me,” and “I need you.” The woman promptly alerted her husband,
who clambered through the dense woods behind his house for 15 minutes before he
found the long-lost Mrs. Frazier, clad in a blue dress with black shoes and stockings
and clutching her purse. Mrs. Frazier was taken to Bremerton’s Harrison Memorial
Hospital and treated for hypothermia, as well as cuts and scrapes, before being
listed in good condition today. According to hospital spokesperson Patti Hart,
Vernita Frazier had “apparently left home with some candy in her purse,
and she’d been eating a little of it every day. She had some left over.”
Law officials were equally astounded by the elderly woman’s 12-day survival-by-candy.
“It’s amazing,” said Kitsap County Sheriff’s Sergeant Cameron Mandeville. “I think
it’s the closest thing to a miracle we’ve seen in a while.”
TUESDAY, JUNE 11
Speaking of miracles, today was absolutely miraculous for Last Days, who found
not one but two accounts of people doing the most entertaining thing of which
humans are physically capable: falling down. The first tale comes from
the New York Post‘s Page Six, which today featured a thrilling tale of
trash-talking glitterati and the merciless laws of gravity that fell them. The
scene: a star-studded dinner at the Cannes Film Festival. The
star: Calvin Klein, who was dining with Elton John, Elizabeth Taylor, and Bianca Jagger when his table was approached
by celebrity vulture Joan Rivers. Still smarting from a dis Rivers pitched
him in the past, Klein issued the stunningly ugly assessment, “You’re nothing
but an old cunt, you cunt!” Klein’s comment sailed by Joan but
was caught by daughter Melissa, who promptly told mommy. “My daughter said you
just called me a cunt,” said an unmiffed Joan. “I sure did,” countered an equally
unmiffed Calvin. “And your daughter’s an even uglier cunt.” Klein then tried
to punctuate his cut by bolting from the table–but unfortunately he hooked
his ankle on a chair and fell to the ground in front of Bianca Jagger and everyone.
“Calvin was a little tipsy,” Rivers told Page Six. “He apologized, we kissed,
it was very showbiz.”
··Showbiz was also the cause of today’s other miracle tumble, which transpired during tonight’s debut episode of American Idol, a Star Search for the new millennium, in which real live wannabes audition for real live has-beens. Sadly, Last Days missed tonight’s program, but we received no less than seven calls from friends around the country reporting the mind-blowing segment featuring the beautiful Texas girl who blew away the judges with her gigantic voice. “She was tremendous,” gushed our dear friend Mindy. But as the triumphant young songstress rushed forward to shake the hand of Paula Abdul, her legs shot out from under her, her feet flew into the air, and she landed flat on her back on the floor. “It was,” said Mindy, “the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.”
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12
The Associated Press headline said it all: Man’s Buttocks Nearly Cut Off.
Today brings the horrifying story of Rodney Outlaw, the unfortunately
named 25-year-old man in Macon, Mississippi who was driving home from
a bar last Sunday when he was attacked by his estranged girlfriend, who
used a utility knife to repeatedly stab Outlaw in the arms, buttocks,
and rectum before leaving him to die on a dark country road. The AP reports
that the profusely bleeding Outlaw managed to drive himself nine miles on a
rural road before collapsing in front of a home in Sumter County, where police
and paramedics found him two hours later. So gruesome were Outlaw’s wounds that
investigators initially suspected a Jasper, Texas-style hate crime. But eventually
Rodney Outlaw pointed the finger squarely at his psycho girlfriend, and today
Kimberley King, 26, was arrested and charged with attempted murder. “This
ain’t right,” King told reporters as she was hauled off to jail. (Tell that
to the guy with no butt.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 13
Today brought the publication of a new Stranger, in which Last Days wrote
extensively on the ongoing saga of R. Kelly, the R&B superstar arrested
two weeks ago on 19 counts of child pornography. But for one careful reader,
our ramblings on R. Kelly were overshadowed by a regrettable comic flaw. “You
said the controversy was ‘also known as “Pampergate,”‘” wrote the careful
reader. “Wouldn’t ‘Watersportgate‘ have been slightly more clever?” Our
response, as always, is two-pronged. First, the R. Kelly saga really is also known as “Pampergate”–none other than Vibe magazine coined
the soggy moniker, way back in January. As for the slightly more clever potential
of “Watersportgate,” while we must admit we were initially taken with the name’s
strength and efficiency, we ultimately missed the poetic nod to infancy afforded
by Vibe‘s “Pampergate.” But we appreciate the input. Truly.
·· In other R. Kelly news: As a vocal devotee of the star’s
legal and sexual problems, today Last Days sought a further glimpse into the
soul of the man through his gazillion-selling record TP-2.Com.
Focusing on the track “The Greatest Sex,” we were treated to
numerous quavery octave leaps and such thrilling couplets as “Inside of your
walls there will dwell a Capricorn/If we keep this up, a love child will be
born.” And while we were disappointed to find no explicit references to
urinating on the necks of homely 13-year-olds, we were vaguely comforted by
the notion that even for an alleged perv like R. Kelly, the “greatest sex” involves
making a baby. (Uh, making a baby do what?)
FRIDAY, JUNE 14
Speaking of pop stars in hot water: Today a variety of news agencies reported
on the bounty that has been placed on the head of Eminem by the
popular terrorist network al Qaeda, whose members are reportedly offended
by Eminem’s comical impersonation of Osama bin Laden in his music video
“Without Me.” According to “sources,” Eminem has taken the threats “very seriously,”
hiring bodyguards of a higher caliber and consulting a counterterrorism specialist
for guidance on necessary precautions. The monetary amount of the bounty remains
undisclosed; as a fan of Eminem, Last Days hopes it’s at least $1 million in
U.S. dollars. (But it’s probably just $40 and a dubbed tape of Baywatch.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 15
Today was pretty.
SUNDAY, JUNE 16
Today was Father’s Day.
Best o’ luck in L.A., Marlene. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
