MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4 America’s glorious week of fasting Muslims,
convicted starlets, and klutzy democracy in action got off to a
relatively low-key start today, with a fascinating tale of chiropteran
foreplay from Portland-based Hot Tipper Mindy. “Yesterday my boyfriend
and I visited the Oregon Zoo,” writes Mindy. “We were standing in front of
the bat exhibit next to a woman with three children–including a little
girl who just stood there, arms at her sides, staring into the bat cage. Then, in
a deep, completely deadpan voice, she said, ‘Mom, she’s licking his
balls.’ The mother didn’t respond, so the girl said it again–twice.
‘She’s licking his balls, Mom. Mom–she’s licking his balls.’ I was okay
the first two times,” confesses Mindy (who, when she’s not at the zoo, works at
Portland’s God-hating Seventh District Court of Appeals). “But the third time, I
lost it, and nearly snorted myself to death.” Thanks to Mindy (who admits that
she’s “nowhere near as mature as that child”) for sharing, and our apologies to
our readers: We promise never to report such a Cosby-esque “darnedest thing” ever
again.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Today citizens throughout the Northwest exercised
their constitutional right to vote, voicing opinions on a variety of
issues affecting transportation, taxes, and the Legislature–plus some
legitimately interesting stuff. In Tacoma, citizens once again voted down
an effort to repeal the city’s anti-discrimination ordinance for sexual
minorities. Brainchild of noteworthy Tacoma bigot Doug Delin,
Initiative 1 marked the third time in a dozen years Tacoma residents have voted
on gay rights; interviewed by the Seattle Times, Delin pointed to the
protections gays and lesbians already receive from federal laws, adding that the
best remedy for discrimination is discretion. “If I’m a homosexual, and I don’t
tell you, how would you know?” Delin asked the Times, single-handedly sending 35 years of gay-straight dialogue back to the dark
ages. Thankfully, a majority of Tacoma voters recognized Delin’s theorizing for
the embarrassment it was, and rejected Initiative 1 with a vote of 58.2 percent.
Meanwhile in Portland, 69 percent of voters approved Measure 14,
which removed a variety of racially offensive references from the
state constitution. Among the cuts was a 150-year-old pronouncement that
“no free negro, or mulatto, not residing in this state at the time of the
adoption of this constitution, shall come, reside, or be within this State, or
hold any real estate.” The passage of Measure 14 was obviously a triumph of
forward-thinking liberalism at its best, but don’t plan a parade yet: A provision
barring Chinese from owning property remains in the Oregon constitution
and was not affected by Tuesday’s vote. (And don’t forget: 31 percent of
Oregon voters wanted to keep that negro/mulatto ban.)
·· Also today: The sighting of tonight’s new moon brought the
beginning of Ramadan, the Islamic holy month during which Muslims
fast from sunrise to sunset to intensify their relationship with God and
empathize with the poor and hungry. (Also, if you add two letters, it spells
“Ramada Inn.”)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Every generation has its defining moments–those
instances all cognizant citizens will recall with precision and pathos. Just as
previous generations swap recollections of their whereabouts at the time of the
Kennedy assassination/death of Elvis/L.A. riots, every member of the
contemporary generation will recall exactly where they were when a Los
Angeles jury found Winona Ryder guilty of felony grand
theft and vandalism for stealing more than $5,500 worth of merchandise
from a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue. Today a Los Angeles jury found the
31-year-old actress guilty of two of the three charges stemming from her December
shoplifting spree, which Ryder has alternately attributed to acting research,
following a director’s orders, and situational narcissism, Last Days’ favorite
new disease since scleroderma, the soft-tissue affliction that turned Dana
Plato’s mother to stone. In a small bit of good luck, Ryder was acquitted of the
most serious of the charges–burglary, which carried a maximum sentence of three
years in prison. As it stands, Ryder may get off with as little as probation and
community service. Stay tuned.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Today in Olympia, a pistol-toting shoplifting
suspect got more than he bargained for when he received a jolt from a
policeman’s non-lethal Taser gun–and died. According to the
Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the police officer responding to the
shoplifting call at the Bayview Thriftway yesterday afternoon found a
large man with a handgun fighting a security guard in the parking lot. The
officer shot the man with a jolt from the Taser, to no effect; a second officer
soon arrived to help apprehend the shock-resistant psycho. After handcuffing the
man and taking away his handgun, police say the man stopped breathing; the
man was soon pronounced dead at St. Peter’s Hospital. Used by police in
both Olympia and Seattle, Taser stun guns are considered non-lethal–as part of
Taser training, officers themselves receive a zap. The matter is under
investigation by the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8 The headline of the piece (found linked on a new
computer’s preset home page) said it all: Want to be Sexy? Then Don’t Do
This! Penned by Patty Lamberti of the Fun Online Corporation, the
authoritative list compiled the 25 greatest mistakes for those aspiring to
appear sexy. A veritable Heloise of sexiness, Ms. Lamberti advises against
such anti-sexifying maneuvers as nose-picking, speed-eating, and
sweating, while praising the sexiness of those who refrain from
scratching themselves and telling racist jokes. In closing,
Lamberti writes, “Sexiness is a state of mind.” (If sexiness is indeed a state,
Marlon Brando in 1956 should be governor, and Danny Roberts and that kid from
Swimfan should be senators.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9 For weeks, Last Days has been hearing testimonials
from folks who had the shit scared out of them by The Ring, the
mind-fucky new horror flick starring Mulholland Drive‘s brilliant
Naomi Watts. But tonight we heard the most terrifying
Ring testimonial of all time from Hot Tipper Trevor, who
attended a late show of The Ring tonight at the Meridian 16. “About a
half-hour into the movie,” writes Trevor, “the man sitting next to my girlfriend,
a nicely dressed guy in his late 50s, lets out this loud, guttural hack.
The man’s wife asks if he’s okay, and he holds up his hand and says, ‘It’s okay,
I’m all right.’ Then there’s another huge hack, followed by the
stomach-dropping sound of wetness hitting the floor. I looked over, but
the guy was just sitting there, quietly watching the movie. I gave him the
benefit of the doubt, until the movie ended, and the lights came up, revealing
between the man’s nice wingtips a big, steamy pile of puke. We were so
stunned, we couldn’t even give him any shit for what he did.” Deep thanks to
Trevor for his eloquent account, and deep shame on the man who redefined the sin
of littering.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Nothing happened today.
Hey folks: Next Thursday, Nov 21, I’ll be hosting a
one-night-only, return-engagement annotated screening of Paul Verhoeven’s
legendary cinematic disaster Showgirls, at the glamorous
Showbox. Join me for a night of strong drinks, fake boobs, and art so bad
it’s brilliant. Show’s at 8 pm, tickets are $8, and advance tix are
recommended–call 628-3151.
