Dear readers: This week, Last Days flew to the American Southwest to research the single greatest assignment we’ve ever been given by The Stranger. Unfortunately, this trip robbed us of the ability to pen a fresh column. So please enjoy this nominal “greatest hits” collection.
MONDAY, JULY 5, 1999 Nothing says “I love you” like a fatal chain saw wound to the neck: Today in Topsham, Maine, a budding romance turned to a bloodbath after a Missouri man traveled to the Pine Tree State to pursue a relationship with a woman he’d met and courted over the Internet. According to the Associated Press, James Denardi moved to Maine on June 23 to be near his unidentified Internet hottie. When the woman expressed her desire to cut short the relationship, Denardi drove to her house with a chain saw, stood on her lawn, and severed a signi-ficant portion of his neck, dying two hours later at a Maine hospital. Of course it’s sad when love turns sour, but it’s always a relief when crazy people kill themselves instead of others.
TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 2000 If there’s one way to cultivate an appreciation of the unrepentantly fucked-up USA, it’s to expose oneself to the even greater fucked-upness of everywhere else. Today the Los Angeles Times fostered grudging patriotism in feminists of both genders by reporting on Jordan’s “honor killings,” the horrifyingly common, typically unpunished practice of men in certain Islamic countries of butchering female relatives for the nebulous crime of “bringing shame upon the family.” Never mind that the murdered women’s “shameful deeds” often consist of nothing more than speaking to a male neighbor and nothing less than being raped; the Jordanian government has repeatedly refused to stiffen penalties for honor killers (who usually serve less than a year for their crimes), claiming that cracking down on such killings would encourage women to misbehave and undermine Islamic family values. The Jordan situation is an abomination no matter how you slice it; still, it makes one grateful to live in a country that expresses its hatred of women in less ostentatiously violent ways, rejecting outright murder in favor of diminished wages, overpriced tampons, and multiple Emmys for Ally McBeal.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8, 2000 Today the Associated Press reported on the battle brewin’ over a new book that claims rape is imprinted in men’s genes. On one side of the battle are the book’s authors, U.S. biologist Randy Thornhill and anthropologist Craig T. Palmer, whose A Natural History of Rape posits that sexual coercion is a biological drive that evolved to increase the reproductive success of men who would otherwise be rejected as mates. On the other side is the rest of the world, including an international assortment of scientists and sociologists that has publicly denounced the book as willfully misinformed and scientifically worthless. Among the points of contention are the authors’ assertions that rape victims tend to be in their prime reproductive years (a 1992 study revealed that 29 percent of rape victims are under age 11); that women of childbearing age suffer more violence during rape because they are biologically driven to fight harder against unwanted conception (actually, they’re just stronger than prepubescent or postmenopausal victims); and that rapists generally do not inflict unnecessary violence on their victims, as they do not want to damage the chance of reproductive success (uh, yeah). Thornhill and Palmer say their book does not condone rape; it merely explores its biological roots. Last Days says Thornhill and Palmer’s “rapists just wanna be daddies” theory is the creepiest twisting of the “family values” defense yet on record, and points to the countless unattractive, socially maladjusted men who are unable to get laid yet somehow refrain from rape, contenting themselves instead with masturbation, hookers, and Star Trek conventions.
THURSDAY, JUNE 10, 1999 After 10 stupid years of debate, today justice was served as the Internal Revenue Service denied tax- exempt status to the Christian Coalition. The coalition has operated as a tax-free 501(c)(4) social welfare organization since its formation by Pat Robertson in 1990; today the IRS confirmed what anyone with half a brain already knew: The Christian Coalition is not a religious organization, but a hardball political machine that has as much to do with social welfare as Hooters. Congrats to the IRS for their ridiculously overdue ruling.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1999 Each week, Last Days tirelessly scours the news world to bring readers the very best in postmodern infotainment, from the glaringly global to the freakishly personal. Today we shine our loving spotlight on the grievously underreported arena of menstruation, with this story of a young local woman whose life has been forever altered by the revolutionary new feminine protection product Instead. For those not in the know, Instead is a weird diaphragm-like device inserted into the vagina to catch the menstrual flow. Unlike pads, Instead doesn’t make a woman feel like she’s wearing a foam-rubber diaper; unlike tampons, Instead doesn’t carry the risk of toxic shock. “It’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me,” reports 30-year-old Wallingford resident Meg. “Not only can you keep them in for 12 hours, they’re so comfortable it feels like you’re not even having a period!” However, not everyone has had such phenomenal luck with Instead. Case in point: Meg’s roommate Isolde, whose love affair with the product ended after a supposedly trustworthy Instead exploded, sending an alarming amount of menstrual fluid gushing onto a chair in a fancy restaurant she was visiting with a date. “Some would attribute the explosion to her keeping the thing in for 16 hours,” says Meg. “But I think she was just too much of a woman for that chair.”
SATURDAY, JULY 14, 2001 Terrorism against the Maccabiah (AKA the Jewish Olympics) got off to an early, ironic start today when the bodies of two Palestinians were found less than a mile away from the stadium where the games are set to begin in Jerusalem on Monday. The Associated Press reports that the two men were apparently assembling a bomb for use in a terror attack, but were killed when the device exploded prematurely. While this will certainly not be the last bit of terrorism to mar the Maccabiah, Last Days eagerly looks forward to the games, featuring the world’s top Jewish athletes competing in thrilling Chosen People events, including Tal-Mud Wrestling and Shabbat-Put.
SUNDAY, MAY 30, 1999 As the week comes to a close, Last Days turns to our favorite subject, existential consolation, and final destination: death. Today the world’s foremost expert on the subject (no, not Morrissey), Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, weighed in on her own impending death in an interview with ABCNEWS.com. After 30 years of teaching the world how to speak openly about the most basic fact of life, the 73-year-old, Swiss-born psychiatrist now lies in bed, weakened by six strokes, watching TV with the sound off, smoking the occasional Dunhill cigarette, and nibbling Swiss chocolate. Anyone hoping for pearls of wisdom from the soon-to-be-departing Kübler-Ross will be sorely disappointed: “The sooner the better,” she says about her own end. “My problem was never with death. My problem was with living. Death was always welcome to me. Living was shitty and still is, most of the time.”
New column next week, I promise. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
