MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8
The week got off to a glorious start with the return of beloved KOMO News
4 anchorwoman Kathi Goertzen. Reclaiming her post after being away two
months for brain tumor treatment, Queen Kathi looked fabulous and reminded
us instantly why we love her so fucking much. In a profession crowded with smarmy,
smooth-talking weasels, Kathi is intelligent, genuine, and humane, and blessed
with a built-in bullshit detector that saves her from the unctuous mannerisms
that stain so many other news reporters. Kathi’s grace and goodness bring out
the best in those around her, too. While reintroducing his cherished co-anchor,
Dan Lewis made our eyes mist up with his heartfelt plea, “Don’t ever leave
me for so long again.” Hear, hear. Welcome back, Kathi!ย ALSO: The attack
on the U.S. Presidency became retroactive today, as Ben Swanson, a Baltimore
dentist, testified that George Washington never had wooden teeth. Reuters
reports that Doc Swanson has devoted his life to exposing the lie about our
first leader’s false teeth, which he claims were made not of wood, but of ivory
hinged with gold springs. Washington’s wooden teeth now join the ranks of other
debunked American myths, such as Paul Revere’s midnight ride and the separation
of church and state.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9
Washington women may soon be able to breast-feed
without fear following the proposal of State Senator Jeri Costa‘s
bill SB5295, ensuring that breast-feeding would not be considered indecent exposure
and outlawing discrimination against breast-feeding mothers. A cornerstone of
Costa’s bill (debated yesterday in Olympia, reported in today’s Seattle Times)
is the requirement that employers provide a comfortable workplace location other
than a restroom for women to express breast milk in private. “Working moms don’t
need much,” Darcy Pintado of Burien told the Senate Committee, “just a safe,
sanitary room to pump their breasts.” Stay tuned.ย ALSO TODAY: The National
Park Service said that the face of Ronald Reagan will not be added
to Mount Rushmore. The addition was proposed earlier this month by U.S.
Rep. Matt Salmon (R-Arizona), but representatives from the Park Service say
there is “no place” on the monument to carve another image, reports Reuters.
Upon being informed of his Rushmore rejection, Former President Reagan said,
“Blughg?” and dribbled some applesauce down his chin.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Hundreds of gay horndogs packed themselves into
the popular bathhouse Club Seattle tonight for the 1999 Mr. Nude Seattle
contest. Hosted by Mr. Mark Finley (out of drag and pantsless), the contest
featured four categories (from striptease to Q&A) and five contestants (from
wince-inducing to pretty dang foxy). Highlight: contestant Ricky Rebel‘s
“verbal fantasy,” which married filthy burlesque to punk performance art and
climaxed with Ricky smashing Top Ramen against his head. Lowlight: The
sad lack of boners. Only one of the five competitors, the highly dedicated
Dane Roberts, managed to “get wood” for the Arousal Pose category. At
evening’s end, Roberts was rightfully crowned Mr. Nude Seattle, and will represent
Seattle nudity throughout 1999.ย ALSO: Today the world learned of Jerry
Falwell‘s crusade against Tinky Winky, the Teletubby denounced as
a gay role model by Falwell in his National Liberty Journal. As
those familiar with children’s television know, Tinky Winky is a genderless
purple blob that carries a purse and has a triangle antenna on its head. As
those familiar with historic Supreme Court rulings know, Jerry Falwell is a
Southern reverend who lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Every now and again, it is our duty as solvent Americans to expose ourselves
to art, particularly those forms foreign to us, and tonight Last Days
tuned in to a very foreign art form: NBC’s Must-See TV. Things got off
to a good start with Friends, which, despite many banal sitcom
conventions, achieved several moments of brilliance thanks to America’s finest
actress, Lisa Kudrow. But things got ugly with Frasier. Promotional teasers
had touted the show’s opening scene as “the funniest seven minutes in television
history!”; unfortunately, what transpired was a breathtakingly unfunny mime
routine by David Hyde Pierce, which left us gaping in horror and close to tears
at the realization that the world is a much, much stupider place than we ever
feared.ย But not everyone is stupid: Two young scientists from Seattle
have been honored by the White House with Presidential Early Career Awards:
Christopher Diorio of the UW for his work using computers to mimic the
nervous systems of living creatures, and Ellie Petersdorf of the Fred
Hutchinson Cancer Research Center for her work with human immunogenetics to
improve outcomes for bone marrow transplant patients. Both will receive five-year
research grants for their work.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12
With the bang of Judge Rehnquist’s gavel, 13 pathetic
months of lying, prying, and sperm came to a close today as the Senate
voted to acquit President Clinton of charges of perjury and obstruction
of justice. (Our very own Slade Gorton was one of 10 Republicans who
voted against the charge of perjury.) Clinton’s not entirely off the hook, however.
He still faces the possibility of indictment by Independent Counsel Kenneth
Starr, and must serve out his term facing a GOP-controlled Congress that hates
his guts–but still, he got off pretty easy for a guy whose sexual incontinence
plunged the Most Powerful Nation in the World into a swamp of nit-picking potty-talk
and idiotic and incessant television coverage. Anyway, it’s over, it’s fair,
let’s never speak of it again.ย ALSO: Researchers have found that a common
detergent found in shampoo and toothpaste can kill not only the AIDS
virus but also the viruses that cause cervical cancer and herpes,
reports Reuters. Researchers are now working to incorporate the compound (sodium
dodecyl sulfate) into products suitable for the genital tract, and hope to test
new products within the next six to 12 months.SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13 More
TV stupidity: A young woman’s statements on the Ricki Lake Show might very well land her in jail, reports Reuters. Last December, Carla Nini
Hooper was charged by Florida police with vandalizing her ex-boyfriend’s car
and apartment–charges that Hooper denied and that the police lacked the evidence
to prove. But last month, under the intoxicating glare of the Ricki Lake studio lights on a show entitled “Today I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me,” Hooper gleefully described how she punctured her ex-boyfriend’s waterbed, smashed
his mirrors and car headlights, and poured sugar in his gas tank. The ex-boyfriend
handed a video of the show over to the police, who promptly arrested Hooper
and charged her with felony criminal mischief. If convicted, she could face
up to five years in prison.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Happy Valentine’s Day! For nearly 1,730
years people have set aside February 14 to celebrate love, feel crappy about
being single, or cheat on their partners who are out of town on ski trips. But
how many know of this holiday’s fascinating origins? Well, it all began back
in the time of the Roman Empire, when Emperor Claudius II was involving Rome
in a number of bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius was having difficulty
getting men to enlist in his military leagues, and believing the men’s resistance
to be the result of their desire to stay with loved ones, the cruel but quick-thinking
Emperor cancelled all marriages and engagements. During this time, the soon-to-be
Saint Valentine was a priest in Rome, and defied the Emperor by secretly marrying
couples in private. For this, Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the
Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and beheaded.
Valentine suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, around the year 270.
How this horrendous tale morphed into a holiday celebrated with the exchange
of Whitman’s Samplers and Mylar balloons printed with “I Wuv You” is still in
dispute.
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