MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22
The man is buried, public grieving has abated, and a successor has been chosen.
Now it’s time for the final chapter of the John Stanford memorial saga:
the bestowing of the name. Today The Seattle Times reported on the
“flood” of requests pouring in to the Seattle School Board seeking permission
to use the late superintendent’s name on everything from a national education
award (approved) to a high-tech summer camp and a memorial tree grove (approval
pending). “Our only goal is to ensure that (selected endorsements are) something
that Pat Stanford and John’s sons are comfortable with,” said school spokesperson
Trevor Neilson. Currently under consideration: the slapping of Stanford’s name
on the planned Seattle Downtown Library–an idea enthusiastically supported by
school district officials, the Stanford family, and Mayor Paul Schell, who, according
to one insider, has been “quietly lobbying” the library’s Board of Trustees to
approve the measure. Among the rejected proposals: “John Stanford” unisex cologne,
“Superintendent’s Special” non-stick cookware, and the renaming of a Norwegian
inlet as “the Stanfjord.”
ย Happy 74th Birthday to Edward Gorey, the American writer/illustrator
whose classic collection “The Gashlycrumb Tinies” taught an entire generation
how to laugh at the death of children.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23
Hundreds of capitalists from the Northwest and beyond poured into downtown
Seattle today to attend annual shareholders meetings of two American giants:
Disney and Starbucks. Disney’s high-tech bash at the Fifth Avenue
was the hotter ticket (hundreds of folks lined up hours in advance) and the glitzier
show (with splashy movie previews and dozens of roving Disney characters, including
Mickey, Mulan, and Michael Eisner). But Starbucks held their own with snazzier
digs (Benaroya Hall) and better news (a forthcoming 2-for-1 stock split). Starbucks
coffee was served at both functions.ย Also: In their unrelenting quest to
establish themselves as the Northwest’s “alternative” news source, tonight Q13
News broadcast “Eye Candy or Eye Sore?” a feature segment exploring
the sexy underworld of Seattle drag and featuring the ever-fabulous Chocha
Fresca (whose name was changed to “ChaCha Fresca” after producers balked at
airing the Spanish phrase for “fresh pussy”). Q13’s broadcast is still a mess,
but the “Drag 101” piece was a lurid treat, and the station employs the only newscasters
in town you’d want to see naked.
ย And happy would-be 131st birthday to butt-kicking American sociologist and
writer W.E.B. DuBois.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24
A Night at the Grammys. Tonight the least respected award in the world
gained perhaps a wee bit of credibility by honoring some truly righteous folk
(Lucinda Williams, the Beastie Boys, someone named “Madonna”) alongside the usual
idiots (Celine Dion, Lenny Kravitz.) But the night belonged to the beautiful and
talented overachiever Lauryn Hill, who won a record five awards, thanking
God and reading from the Bible during her acceptance speeches. (Last Days would
like to commend God for taking time out of His busy schedule to participate in
the Grammy voting.) However, earlier in the day, the noble Ms. Hill received a
way-less-than-honorable mention on the radio show of Washington D.C. shock jock
Doug “The Greaseman” Tracht. On his morning show, the Greaseman played
a segment of Hill’s hit “Doo Wop,” then announced, “No wonder people drag them
behind trucks”-a reference to the grisly murder in Jasper, Texas of James Byrd.
But following Wednesday’s shame came Thursday’s justice: James Byrd’s killer received
the death penalty, and Doug “The Greaseman” Tracht received his walking papers.
ย Happy 78th Birthday to legendary Barney Miller and Fish actor
Abe Vigoda.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25
In the middle of a rainy winter, nothing picks up the spirits like a good story
about a police sting. Today 38 Snohomish County scofflaws (primarily drunk
drivers and wife beaters) were apprehended in an operation conducted by the Snohomish
County Sheriff’s Office, the State Patrol, and Lynnwood police. According to The
Seattle Times, the sting began with letters sent to 4,000 residents with outstanding
arrest warrants, offering three free pairs of shoes to those willing to
complete marketing surveys for the (phony) Seattle company Gorst Manufacturing.
Upon arriving for their appointments at a South Everett hotel, suspects were asked
to show ID before being led to “the room with the shoes,” where they were promptly
frisked and handcuffed by undercover officers. Several of the suspects were carrying
drugs and could now face additional charges. Said one sting victim, arrested for
a $2,500 disorderly conduct warrant, “I just wanted the shoes.”
ย Happy 56th Birthday to lovable George Harrison and loathsome Sally
Jessy Raphael.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Today the United States wagged its finger at China, Serbia, and Afghanistan’s
Taliban Muslim rulers with the release of its annual human rights report.
Covering 194 countries, the 5,000-page report most vigorously denounced the
Taliban, for their public amputations and executions (carried out every Friday
in Kabul’s sports stadium) and for their diabolical treatment of women (which
the report called “perhaps the most severe abuse of women’s rights in the world”).
Runner-up: NATO ally Turkey, for torture, harassment of the press, and
intolerance toward the Kurdish minority. Countries targeted in the report quickly
issued replies to and denials of the charges, while critics condemned the U.S.’s
own grievous human rights violations: the death penalty, police brutality, and
the unrestricted release of the film Patch Adams.
ย Happy 59th Birthday to Last Days father Walter Schmader, who
was once arrested for running a frozen cow carcass up his rival high school’s
flagpole.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27
It sounded like a recipe for disaster today at the Seattle Center. In the
Mercer Arena, 1,644 dogs competed in the Kennel Club Dog Show. In the Flag
Pavilion, 240 cats were judged in the annual Cat Fanciers showcase. Expecting
nothing less than a big furry blood bath, Last Days attended the competing events;
unfortunately the functions were placed at opposite ends of the grounds, and instead
of Pet Armageddon we found only a bunch of handsome dogs, pretty kitties, and
many unfortunate odors.ย Things weren’t nearly as stinky over at UW’s Meany
Hall, where hundreds of rabid National Public Radio fans gathered tonight for
This American Life Live, a staged performance of the popular NPR
broadcast. Hosted by adorable geek Ira Glass, the show featured music by
Seattle’s Black Cat Orchestra and readings from This American Life regulars
Sarah Vowell, Cheryl Trykv, and Dan Savage. (In addition to her own piece, Ms.
Trykv read “Chumping the Swells,” the first unfunny thing David Sedaris has ever
written.) Almost as entertaining as the show was the audience, a wildly enthusiastic
conglomeration of lefty types described by one audience member as “a bunch of
NPR mongoloids!” Overheard from another: “Every doctor in town is here.”
ย Happy 56th Birthday to consumer advocate and Green Party man Ralph
Nader.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Today brought ample evidence of God’s psychotic mood swings. Beginning
with the world’s loudest thunderclap at 4:44 a.m., God proceeded to fuck
with Seattleites’ heads for the remainder of the day. With a startlingly sunny
morning came the delivery of the Sunday Seattle Times, which at
first glance appeared normal until one noticed that the paper featured not one
but two editorials (one syndicated, one local) on the Importance of Cher.
The Creator continued his pranks by furiously revoking the sun at noon, issuing
another terrifying thunderclap and punishing gullible sun-lovers with a terrifying
barrage of hail. God’s psychosis remained on parade throughout the evening,
evidenced by schizophrenic weather shifts and the airing of the worst Simpsons episode ever, leading many to ask, “Why does God hate us so much?” God’s
answer (whispered in the ear of Last Days): “Because you suck.”
ย Happy 68th Birthday to Captain Stubing himself, Gavin MacLeod.
Cheer yourselves up by sending me your Hot Tips. E-mail lastdays@thestranger.com.