MONDAY, JUNE 19 The week got off to a rip-roaring start today as the Supreme Court, in an ass-whooping 6-3 vote, struck down student-led
prayer in public schools. The ruling closed the case brought by the Santa
Fe, Texas school board, who insisted that students should have the right to
decide whether prayers would be delivered before football games. The sensible
Supremes allowed that students may pray privately on their own or with friends
before, during, or after school, but ruled that student-led prayer at school-sponsored
events amounts to the public promotion of religion, violating the separation of
church and state. Moreover, the court pointed out that not everyone favors Christian
prayer, and to allow students to vote on such a matter puts some students (Jews,
Muslims, Satanists) “at the mercy of the majority.” Now perhaps you’re wondering,
“What the hell kind of country forces high schools to allow such things as gay
student groups, but forbids prayer before football games?” Good question. For
an answer Last Days consulted our smart law student friend Mindy, who pointed
out that praying in school isn’t a free-speech issue. “The freedom of speech allows
students to talk about religion,” Mindy said. “But praying qualifies as
‘establishing and promoting’ a religion, which is off-limits. So, just as gay
student groups are allowed to talk about being gay, they’re forbidden to force
anyone to engage in gay sex. Similarly, Christian students can talk about being
Christian, but they’re forbidden to force anyone to engage in Christian prayer.”
So, is Mindy equating Christian prayer with homosexual sex? “Yes,” Mindy said.
“Yes, I am.”
TUESDAY, JUNE 20 Today: the latest and perhaps most heartbreaking installment
yet in the “people living with dead family members” saga. Reuters reports
that a Vancouver, BC woman is undergoing psychological examination following
the discovery that she’d been living with the body of her dead father for as long as two years. Vancouver police discovered the body late last
Friday, in the east Vancouver home shared by the 45-year-old, mentally handicapped
daughter and her elderly father. To make matters even sadder, police report
that the woman apparently believed her father was merely ill, and had been diligently
caring for him until the day of the police discovery. Thankfully, this story
is rescued from being a true Of Mice and Women tragedy, as police do
not believe the elderly man’s death resulted from any foul play. Phew.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21 Speaking of odd couples, here’s another story
of a curious pairing, this one from an eagle-eyed Hot Tipper named Jeff.
Early this evening, Jeff and a lady friend exited the glamorous waterfront Red
Robin to begin their trek up the ass-improving Alaskan Way/Pike Place
stairway when they stumbled upon a stunning sight: a man and a woman
fucking on the stairs. “Like, the guy was on top, humping quick like a bunny!”
reports Jeff, who stood frozen for several moments, frantically repeating “Omigod,
omigod!” before he and his friend fled for the alternate stairway. Jeff reports
that the humping couple “seemed rather raggedy,” and appeared to be enjoying
their spectators’ shocked responses. And while Last Days certainly appreciates
Jeff’s sharing of his splashy find, we cannot entirely endorse his “Omigod,
how gross!” slant on the affair. As the couple in question were almost
certainly homeless–snubbed by conservatives, objectified by liberals,
shit on by everyone–we can only applaud the pair for fearlessly seizing their
moment of sexy contentment, startled bystanders and Red Robin patrons be damned.
THURSDAY, JUNE 22 Late this morning in North Seattle, two armed
men in black leather biker outfits burst into the Wells Fargo Bank
on Aurora, where they bossed people around, pointed guns at the heads of
several frightened employees, and fled with a lot of other people’s money. Upon
their exit, the leather-clad robbers were confronted by a bunch of Seattle
police officers (alerted via silent alarm), who shot and killed one
robber after the other robber shot and wounded one of the police officers. The
second robber–whom police believe is responsible (along with his dead friend)
for recent holdups in Puyallup, Mount Vernon, and SeaTac–remains at large.
··Meanwhile in Spokane, authorities were much more effective
in apprehending one of that town’s armed-and-dangerous: a two-year-old boy found wandering around an apartment-complex parking lot with a loaded handgun.
The Associated Press reports that the boy’s mother (found sleeping in a nearby
apartment) told police she had no idea where the weapon came from. The gun-toting
toddler has been placed in foster care by the state Child Protective Services.
FRIDAY, JUNE 23 Last week, Last Days issued a stinging denouncement of
the single greatest problem facing America today: the increasing acceptance
of public grooming. This week, we were flooded with passionate responses
from readers who share our indignation. Public nail-clipping seems to be the
primary offense: “Not only are those little clipping sounds absolutely stomach-churning,”
wrote one steamed reader. “But there’s absolutely no way to control where the
clippings are gonna land!” Obviously, there’s a surplus of spite toward those
citizens determined to make the world their lavatory, and once we get this damn
monorail built, Last Days intends to devote ourselves to passing legislation
to make public grooming a crime punishable by death.
··In other icky grooming news: Today reputedly cute boy band ‘N
Sync announced that they have licensed their own line of deliciously flavored
lip balm. Lip balm producers Famous Fixins reports that each ‘N
Sync member will have his own flavor (ranging from Green Apple to Vanilla),
and that the various balms will be sold both separately and as a five-pack.
Look for the balms on supermarket shelves in mid-summer (right next to the Backstreet
Boys‘ mustache wax and Christina Aguilera’s exfoliating scrub/home
pregnancy kit.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 24 Today, a creepy tale of rambunctious lesbians and idiot cops at the Seattle Dyke March. The story comes from
our lovely Hot Tipper Nancy, who was strolling down Broadway with a gaggle
of happy dykes this evening when two women ran by her, happily squirting
each other with water. Nancy then watched one cocky bike cop lunge into
the crowd to grab one of the women. When the accosted dyke asked what the problem
was, she was told, “Keep it up and I’ll give you a problem.” The surly officer
then allegedly called the women “dumb fucks” and pedaled off. Last Days
is thrilled that at least one member of the SPD is savvy enough to see past
the pseudo-threats of pistol-packing babies and at-large bank robbers to acknowledge
the true menace to Seattle society: lesbians with water pistols. Keep
up the good work.
SUNDAY, JUNE 25 Today on Capitol Hill, a whole bunch of homosexuals
and the people who love them gathered for Seattle’s Gay Pride Parade.
Under a stunningly sunny sky, queers of all stripes marched, cheered, and cruised
in the name of pride, before skulking back to their homes to resign themselves
to another 364 days of deep, debilitating shame.
To the woman who hollered at me at Saturday’s Dyke Rally: Thanks! Everyone
else: Send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101, ext. 3113.
