MONDAY, JUNE 26 The week begins with one fucked-up story of a man and his dead gay dog. Today the Associated Press reported the sad tale
of George Stephens Finley, the Ocala, Florida man sentenced to six months
in jail for beating his dog to death. It was last July when 58-year-old
Finley stumbled upon his former wife’s poodle-Yorkshire terrier mix General
Lee mounting a younger male Jack Russell terrier named Bandit. In the
nation’s first documented case of animal fag-bashing, Finley repeatedly struck
General Lee with a plastic vacuum-cleaner wand, fracturing the (neutered)
dog’s skull before throwing him against a tree trunk; the comatose General
Lee was euthanized two hours later. During last week’s trial, veterinarian Pauline
Knowles testified that the “homosexual activity” that so enraged Mr. Finley wasn’t
necessarily a sexual act, but rather a common way for one dog to assert dominance
over another–a phenomenon George Stephens Finley will certainly become intimately
knowledgeable of during his upcoming stint in the Big House.
TUESDAY, JUNE 27 Today every news source in the world reported
on scientists’ successful deciphering of human DNA (see New Column! in
the upper right corner). Meanwhile, The Seattle Times‘ Science
Digest reported on another, equally stunning medical discovery. In the new
issue of the journal Nature, scientists from Sheffield, England reveal
their findings that female chickens have evolved to be able to post-coitally
reject the sperm of undesirable males. This selective barnyard birth control
was first noted by the scientists as they witnessed hens willingly mating with
high-ranking roosters (those with stock options?) and unwillingly mating with
low-ranking ones (those with stock cars?). When forced to mate with a low-life
rooster, hens tended to squirt out the sub-par sperm, saving their ovums for
more desirable cocks. Last Days finds this “No Scrubs”-styled chicken birth
control to be singularly inspired, and hopes those DNA-conquering scientists
will set their sights on developing a functional human equivalent.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28 Today at the University of Washington Medical Center,
a freaked-out physician burst into the office of a top pathologist, whom he
fatally shot before turning the gun on himself. The gunman, Dr. Jian Chen,
was a man believed to be of Taiwanese origin who had recently received news
of his upcoming dismissal. The victim–Dr. Rodger Haggitt–was a world-renowned
gastrointestinal pathologist and father of three who helped develop gold-standard
treatments for cancer and a variety of other diseases. Today’s tragic shooting
is but the latest example of a suicidal psycho killing someone else seconds
before killing himself–a deeply offensive practice that makes Last Days want
to burn things. Come on, wackos–cut out the middle man and off yourselves before
you drag innocent others into it. (On a barely discernible “up” note, the newest
UW shooting inspired The Seattle Times to recap fascinating UW homicides
of years past, including the 1980 incident in which a UW student fatally
shot his roommate/homosexual lover to acquire his $500,000 life insurance
policy, and the 1984 death of a diabetes-free man killed by an unnecessary
insulin injection.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 29 Tonight a whole bunch of lesbians and those
who love them packed themselves into the staggeringly glamorous Paramount
Theatre to witness the stand-up comedy resurrection of Ellen DeGeneres,
whose onstage arrival made the gathered liberals cheer so loudly you’d have
thought we’d just received news of the simultaneous deaths of Eminem and John Rocker. With her audience firmly on her side, the beloved Ms.
DeG could’ve simply stood around drooling and received a 45-minute standing
ovation. Thankfully, Ellen rose to the occasion, dishing out some good-natured
spite, a dash of interpretive dance, a wee too much Oprah-esque spirituality,
and a ton of super-funny shit. Unfortunately but unsurprisingly, things took
a turn for the much, much worse during the post-show Q&A, which
featured, among many other atrocities, a female audience member’s proud confession
that, 10 years prior, she had somehow sensed Ellen was a lesbian–after
seeing a picture of her wearing suspenders. But the highlight/lowlight
had to be DeGeneres’ response to a slurring questioner: “Someone‘s had
a few drinks,” sassed Ellen, to the audience’s huge delight. But the laughter
stopped when the humiliated man announced that he wasn’t drunk–he had a speech impediment. Ellen managed a respectable recovery, but Last Days can
only imagine that this faux pas will keep the terminally p.c., chronically people-pleasing
DeGeneres in fits of shame for the next 20 years.
FRIDAY, JUNE 30 With all the gay dogs and spermy hens, Last Days has
been so busy that only today did we have time to catch up with all the shit
going down this week at the Supreme Court. On Monday, the Supremes
voted 7-2 to uphold the legendary Miranda ruling, which requires police
to inform suspects of their right to remain silent. Civil libertarians–who
view Miranda as an indispensable tool of a responsible justice system–were
pleased as punch. Law enforcement officials–who view Miranda as a sneaky loophole
used by lawyers to help the guilty go free–were pissed as piss. On Wednesday,
the Court voted 5-4 to strike down a Nebraska law outlawing partial-birth
abortions. The contentious decision could have far-reaching effects in the
country, as 30 states have nearly identical anti-abortion laws. The ruling
will certainly play a part in the upcoming presidential election: George
W. Bush has already announced his hatred of partial-birth abortions, actively
setting himself against Al Gore, who, of course, loves to hug and kiss
partial-birth abortions. Also on Wednesday, the workaholic court voted
5-4 to uphold the Boy Scouts of America‘s right to exclude homosexuals,
claiming that the group’s (hotly contested) status as a private organization
grants them the constitutional right to freedom of association under
the First Amendment. Gay rights supporters were vociferously opposed to the
court’s ruling, but Last Days remains uncertain. Sure, it’s kinda mean to excommunicate
an Eagle Scout just for smooching a boy, but apparently flag-waving conservatives
are as protective of their private clubs as homosexuals are of theirs, and the
troop leaders don’t want gaggles of fags crowding the Boy Scouts any more than
gay men want bunches of nuns crowding the halls of Basic Plumbing.
SATURDAY, JULY 1 In the greatest rock tragedy since side two of Celebrity
Skin, today eight people were crushed to death during a Pearl Jam performance at a music festival in Copenhagen, Denmark. Perhaps
the only people Last Days pities more than the victims are the band members.
We feel terrible if a reader gets a paper cut reading our column, and we can
only imagine that Pearl Jam feels 10,000 times worse, particularly sensitive
Eddie Vedder, who will probably never walk again. (Meanwhile, Last Days
attempted to cheer ourselves up by going to see Chicken Run, the
single most entertaining feminist/vegetarian manifesto in cinematic history.)
SUNDAY, JULY 2 Today Last Days learned that Walter Matthau died yesterday.
R.I.P., Mr. Matthau. You are a grumpy old man no more.
Send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101, ext. 3113.
