MONDAY, OCTOBER 9 The week began with a bang, a hiss, and a
plop-plop fizz-fizz, as a soon-to-be-newlywed couple in Croatia tried to
kill themselves with bullets, gas, and sleeping pills–and survived
all three! Reuters reports that the death-hungry pair–a Croatian policeman and
his girlfriend/fiancée–kicked off their triple-whammy suicide pact by shutting
themselves in a car, running a hose from the exhaust pipe to the front seat, and
tossing back handfuls of sleeping pills with slugs of booze. When the gas ‘n’
downers failed to provide the desired effect, the policeman fired his gun through
his right temple; when the gunshot proved non-lethal, the girlfriend gave up and
called an ambulance. The policeman was taken to the hospital; the girlfriend was
treated and released, and police still do not know why the couple wanted so badly
to die.
··Also: Today brought Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and Columbus Day, the United States’ Day of No Mail.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10 Several weeks ago, Last Days reported on the Puyallup
policeman caught on videotape surfing Internet porn sites while seated
in his car outside of the Puyallup Fair. The incriminating footage had
been sent to KING 5 by an unnamed amateur cameraman, whom Last Days promptly
deemed our new hero. Today we received a phone call from our hero himself,
Douglas Bennadetti, who heroically offered to answer any and all of our
questions. What was his first thought upon discovering the horndog cop? “I didn’t
actually discover him–I overheard some older ladies saying, ‘Oh my God, he’s
looking at naked women!'” Did he have any trepidation about filming the transgression?
“I was very scared of being discovered. I had people watching my back, and my
hands were shaking as I filmed.” What kind of porn was the cop watching? “Basic
naked-lady stuff.” Did the models go “into the pink”? “Yes.” Did the officer
have anything, uh, “funny” happening in his lap? “Not that I could tell.” Did
the cameraman fear any repercussions from his heroic deed–ruthless police surveillance
or an IRS audit? “Nah, but I was let go from my job as a bicycle cab driver
because of the videotape. My boss said he didn’t need anyone attracting the
police to his business.” (Speaking of lost jobs, tomorrow the Puyallup Police
Department will announce the demotion of the porn-lovin’ police officer from
sergeant to patrolman.)
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11 Tonight brought the second of the televised presidential
debates, and the results were, once again, deeply illuminating. Highlight:
Gore’s elegant harping on Texas’ 50th-in-the-nation health insurance record.
(“You’d think that with all the surplus, you’d try to improve, maybe move to
45.”) Lowlight: Bush’s boasting with an almost sexual pleasure of his state’s forthcoming execution of the three men who dragged James Byrd to
his death. (A fib: Two will be killed; one is spending life in prison.) But
most disturbing was our witnessing with our own eyes Al Gore’s easy victory
in the battle of wits, eloquence, and preparation, followed by Bush’s equally
easy triumph in the court of public opinion. Snap polls taken immediately after
the debate concluded that George W. Bush–a man who’s as fit to serve as president
as 14 gallons of expired Tang–was obviously the winner, with CNN crediting
Bush with 49 percent to Gore’s 36 percent, while CBS said Bush won 52 to 48
percent. What the fuck is going on? Last Days has no idea, but apparently a
fair number of Americans are willing to say, “I think George W. Bush should
be president of the United States”–a statement so patently ridiculous we’re
amazed that simply typing the words doesn’t make our computer explode.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12 Friday the 13th came a day early this year
as today all hell broke loose all over the world. In Quito, Ecuador,
an armed group seized a helicopter in an oil field in the Amazon jungle and kidnapped its inhabitants, including six Americans, two Frenchmen, a Chilean,
and an Argentinean. On Wall Street, the stock market plunged a precipitous
300 points. In Israel, Israeli combat helicopters bombed Palestinian
security and administrative buildings in Ramallah and Gaza City, following the
death of two Israeli soldiers lynched by angry Palestinians. And in the Arabian
Peninsula, a docked U.S. Navy ship was struck by a small boat in
an as-yet anonymous terrorist attack that killed 17 U.S. sailors and
injured scores more.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13 Speaking of very bad news: Today Chris Takino,
the soft-spoken, music-loving founder of Up Records (home of Modest Mouse,
Built to Spill, Quasi, 764-HERO, Dina Martina, and many, many others) died after
a battle with leukemia. Chris Takino was an indispensable, much-beloved
figure in the Northwest music scene, and he will be greatly missed. (There will
be a public memorial service for Chris Takino at Re-bar on Sunday, Oct 22, at
4 pm.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14 Astute readers will remember last week’s item about
the leather-clad fartbuster terrorizing passersby at the Broadway
Vivace. Today Last Days received not one but two Hot Tips informing
us that the man in question is not the fearless, gassy wild child he’d
like us to believe he is, but is instead merely a “trust-funded, 90210-looking
charlatan motherfucker” in possession of an electronic fart machine.
Good to know.
··Also today: Last Days received a public grooming Hot Tip so impressive we were tempted to break our vow to cease reporting the creepy deeds. However, as we pride ourselves on being a man of our word, we are unable to tell you about the man in Auburn seen gazing into his truck’s sideview mirror to pick flecks of something out of his tracheotomy hole. Sorry.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15 Today at Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners shocked the universe by skillfully maneuvering a 6-2 triumph over the
much-favored New York Yankees. Having watched less than four minutes
of professional baseball in our entire life, for feedback on the game Last Days
consulted our friend Brad, who watched the game at the Lobo Saloon, “where
everybody is really nice.” Brad reports that the mood at the saloon was
gloomy for the first couple hours, but spirits soared as the Mariners’ started
clobbering the ball in the fifth inning. Brad’s personal highlight: the tide-turning
single by Alex Rodriguez–possibly his last hit as a Mariner in Safeco
Field. “Plus, I got some free gumbo!” Congratulations Brad, and congratulations
Mariners.
Hey everybody: This Saturday, Oct 21, at 11 pm, I’m hosting and providing
live-action commentary for Showgirls, Paul Verhoeven’s celebrated disaster
flick and the single most entertaining movie ever made. It’s at the Egyptian,
as part of the Lesbian & Gay Film Festival. You should get very, very high and
come.
Send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com, or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.
