MONDAY, MARCH 15
The week got off to a depres sing start as one of Last Days’ favorite old
ladies revealed herself to be a lunkheaded old bag. Today in her syndicated
column, elderly advice queen Ann Landers fielded a question from a concerned
mother, who asked if it was proper to let her nine-year-old daughter serve as
flower girl for her gay uncle’s wedding. In reply, the usually thoughtful Ann
(who, in the past, has been kinder to and more accepting of “the gay lifestyle”)
strongly voiced her disapproval, claiming involvement in such a ceremony would
only confuse the poor child. Ann went on to describe the wedding party in terms
usually reserved for satanic rituals: “A service for those in the inner circle would be okay, but please, no children.”As everyone with an IQ over 84 knows,
nine-year-olds should be exposed to as many homosexuals as possible, and Last
Days would rather see Ann Landers die right now than have to continue watching
her brain turn to mush on the page.
TUESDAY, MARCH 16
Taking a cue from the French (who know a thing or two about public stinkiness),
Seattle hopes to install a half-dozen high-tech, self-cleaning public toilets on downtown streets within the next year, reports the Seattle P-I. The
city already has 11 portable toilets for public use, but they are the scary, Honey
Bucket kind–expensive to maintain and clean, lacking in hand-washing and security
features, and on the whole, so disgusting that most people willingly endure severe
bladder and gastrointestinal pain rather than cross their icky thresholds. The
snazzy new johns (the pet project of City Councilwoman Tina Podlodowski) would
come complete with lights, sinks, and police-call buttons (“Officer 99, we’re
out of toilet paper!”) and best of all, between uses, the insides of the toilets
will be automatically scrubbed by jets of water. On the downside: the auto-outhouses
will require coins for entry (with free tokens for the poor “readily available,”
according to a Podlodowski aide), and funding for the johns will come from advertising
placed all over the hundreds of new bus shelters to be installed in downtown
Seattle.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Today marks the anniversary of the death of
the patron saint of Ireland, an English/Irish bishop born early in the fourth
century who dedicated his life to converting the Irish to Christianity. (No
wonder we celebrate his death.) Saint Patrick’s Day has been recognized in America
since 1737, and is marked by the half-assed appropriation of traditional Irish
symbols and extreme drunkenness. Speaking o’ “the green”: Devoted readers
of Last Days are familiar with the saga of Meg, the Wallingford Catholic
who gave up pot smoking for Lent, and who last week found a baggie of pot on
a neighborhood sidewalk. (She walked right by.) Well, today things got even
weirder for Meg when, on an entirely different street, she spotted another
bag of pot–twice the size of the first! “What the fuck is going on?”
cried the besieged Meg, who once again dredged up the willpower to pass
over the free weed. “Is the universe mocking me?”
THURSDAY, MARCH 18
Today Last Days learned all about the freaky shit that happened yesterday at Seattle Central Community College. Here’s the story: After learning
that he had failed a college course for the second time, 19-year-old SCCC student
Kai-Ting Hung took a bunch of meat cleavers and knives to the
school’s campus, where he walked around screaming before barricading himself
in a student services office with two hostages: an instructor and a program
coordinator. Hung smashed a window, the hostages escaped without harm, and the
multiple-knife-wielding failure was subdued with pepper spray and arrested by
Seattle police at the corner of Broadway and Pine. (Stranger eyewitnesses
saw Hung lying face-down in the gutter, then being strapped to a police carrying-board.)
Today Kai-Ting Hung was ordered held in the King County Jail in lieu of $50,000
bail.
FRIDAY, MARCH 19
After a night of booze and karaoke at what the Seattle P-I called
a “legislative drinking party,” State Representative Kelli Linville
was arrested and charged with drunk driving in the early hours of
this morning. Linville, Democratic co-chair of the House Agricultural and Ecology
Committee, was on her way home from “legislative karaoke night” at an Olympia
lounge when an off-duty security guard spotted her weaving her Ford Explorer
all over the road and running a stop sign. Olympia police found Linville parked
in her driveway with alcohol on her breath, slurred speech, and a flushed complexion.
A field sobriety test revealed Linville had a blood alcohol content of .11 (state
law limits drivers to .08). Following her arrest and release, Linville spoke
to the Seattle P-I: “I went and I had too much to drink,” Linville said
of the legislators’ traditional Thursday night sing-alongs. “I probably sang.
I was very happy about passing a couple pieces of legislation last week.”
SATURDAY, MARCH 20
Today in The Seattle Times: the saddest story in the world.
Last Friday, Seattle resident Nancy Seiden was walking her dog on a South
Seattle street when she was struck by a hit-and-run driver, a collision which
sent Seiden to the hospital for eight stitches in her forehead, and sent her
dog running off into the night. As if this wasn’t bad enough, Seiden is deaf
and blind, and her dog–a specially trained black Labrador named Liberty and Seiden’s constant companion for the last three years–has gone missing ever
since. “Liberty was such a great guide dog,” Seiden communicated to Times reporter Arthur Santana through tactual sign language. “We had a very strong
relationship–definitely.” This story is too sad for words, and whoever locates
Liberty and returns her to her rightful owner will receive a place in Heaven
and high praise from Last Days. Anyone with any information about Liberty’s
whereabouts should call the Lighthouse for the Blind at (206) 322-4200.
SUNDAY, MARCH 21
It was a night of bad decisions, spazzy Italians, and the shameful failure
of Whoopi at tonight’s 71st annual Academy Awards. A majority
of the blame for the boringest Oscar telecast in history should be placed directly
on host Whoopi Goldberg, who brought the proceedings to a screeching
halt with every one of her 10,000 lame sex-and-potty jokes; she should never
be allowed to do anything ever again, ever. Things picked up a bit with Best
Actor/Best Foreign Film winner Roberto Benigni, whose spazziness was
cute, and whose Oscar success guarantees that his Holocaust comedy, Life
is Beautiful, will not suffer an American remake starring Robin Williams (a fear that has haunted Last Days’ waking hours for the past five months).
Best Actress winner Gwyneth Paltrow looked adorable but, unfortunately,
experienced a nervous breakdown during her acceptance speech: through wracking
sobs she thanked everyone from Shakespeare in Love‘s gaffer to her two
dead cousins. And the Elia Kazan controversy added up to nothing: a bloodless
introduction by a seemingly autistic Robert DeNiro, a short, humble speech
by Kazan, and some shots of Nick Nolte looking grumpy. But everything
was redeemed by the absolutely flabbergasting Debbie Allen-choreographed interpretive
dance tour through the Best Original Score nominees. Not only did we get
to see tap-dance renditions of Life is Beautiful and Saving Private
Ryan, we got to see that lady dancer’s right ass cheek for the duration
of the breathtakingly ghastly number. “You know, I was planning on seeing The
Thin Red Line,” said Last Days’ friend Mindy at the close of the whirlwind
dance tour. “But after that, I think I get the gist of it.” Best dressed: Geena
Davis vs. Jennifer Lopez. Most loaded introductory description: “Versatile
Academy Award Winners Ben Affleck and Matt Damon” (nice to know they switch
off). Worst acceptance speech: The art directors of What Dreams May Come,
thanking Hollywood for letting them make something “beautiful and cruelty-free.”
Next week: Hot Tips Extravaganza! Send yours to lastdays@thestranger.com.
