MONDAY, MAY 26 This week of United Nations horror stories, humanized
Metro drivers, and hurling drunk chicks at the movies kicks off with
eight million gallons of raw sewage mistakenly
diverted into a creek running through the University of Washington’s
eastern campus and out into the Lake Washington Ship Canal. Details
come from KING 5 News, which tracks the epicenter of the stink to
Ravenna Creek between Union Bay and North 45th Street, a slough of
stagnant water now adorned with signs forbidding swimmers, waders, and
people walking their dogs. As for the cause of the eight-million-gallon
befouling: The county has called it a case of “mistaken pipe
identity” inside the Matthews Beach substation, where a week
and a half of raw sewage was accidentally rerouted into a storm-water
pipe. “This is really under investigation,” insists Annie Kolb-Nelson
of King County Wastewater Treatment to KING 5. “We’re continuing to
look into exactly what happened so we fully understand it.”
TUESDAY, MAY 27 We continue with the prehyped United Nations
horror story, starring allegations of widespread
sexual abuse of children by U.N. peacekeepers. The source of
the allegations: a report by the UK charity Save the
Children, describing what the Associated Press calls “a litany
of sexual crimes committed by peacekeepers and international relief
workers against children as young as 6 years old.” Based on field
research in southern Sudan, the Ivory Coast, and Haiti, the report
found “some children were denied food aid unless they granted sexual
favors; others were forced to have sex or to take part in child
pornography; many more were subjected to improper touching or kissing.”
“The report shows sexual abuse has been widely underreported because
children are afraid to come forward,” said Jasmine Whitbread, chief
executive of Save the Children UK. “A tiny proportion of peacekeepers
and aid workers are abusing the children they were sent to protect.
It’s despicable.”
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28 Speaking of which, the week continues with the
ongoing criminal proceedings against R. Kelly, the
R&B crooner/hip-hopera visionary finally on trial for
child-pornography charges in Illinois. At the center
of the case is a videotape, capturing, among other
delights, an adult man urinating on the face of an adolescent
girl, with whom he then has sex. As numerous witnesses
testified in court, the man on the tape looks exactly like R. Kelly,
while the alleged victim looks and behaves very much like Kelly’s
goddaughter, believed to have been 13 years old at the time. Meanwhile,
Kelly’s defense is gunning like mad for reasonable
doubt, hinging most of their hope on the existence of a
dark mole on their client’s back,
which is reportedly visible in a police photograph of Kelly but
apparently missing from the back of the man in the video. Stay tuned,
or don’t (when there’s a verdict or a splashy attempt to flee
jurisdiction, we’ll let you know).
THURSDAY, MAY 29 Two weeks ago, Last Days was contacted by
Erik Christensen, a Metro bus driver of seven years interested in giving an interview, in
hopes of humanizing drivers while helping riders understand how to keep
the Metro universe a harmonious one. As Last Days has devoted an
inordinate amount of ink to chronicling Metro-based horror stories, we
happily agreed to conduct the interview; when Christensen pitched
holding the proceedings in front of a class of fourth- and
fifth-graders at West Seattle’s Gatewood
Elementary (where Christensen is a devoted volunteer teacher),
we happily agreed again. (Kids crack our shit up.) This morning brought
the great Bus Etiquette Seminar of 2008 to Gatewood
Elementary, where Eric Christensen and Last Days plopped our oversized
butts on fifth-grade stools and gabbed about all things Metro.
Best new info: Metro buses are indeed equipped with
security cameras, but they begin recording only when activated by a
Metro driver—so if you see the beginnings of something sketchy,
alert your driver to start filming. Biggest surprise: Christensen’s open weeping while recounting his night
of mourning for the red-light-running skateboarder crushed by a bus in
the University District last month. Perennial lessons: Be nice. Have your fare money ready. When waiting at a bus stop, stand
in a place that makes your desire to board the bus evident. Don’t eat
or fight or have loud cell-phone conversations or pop your ear zits
with a chopstick while on the bus. (Also, Eric likes it when people are
friendly and say hi. “But I can only speak for myself on that
one.”)
FRIDAY, MAY 30 “Hi, Last Days,” writes Hot Tipper Amelia, casually
commencing the greatest Hot Tip since last week’s Value Village
soggy-denim nightmare. “In an effort to stay out of the bars
tonight, my friends and I decided to attend the 12:30 showing of the
Sex and the City movie at Meridian 16, along
with about a million high-school girls in uncomfortably fancy outfits.
Carrie and friends appeared onscreen to squeals of delight—but
about 10 minutes into the movie, a nondescript,
non-bummy-looking girl across the aisle from me started
vomiting, loudly and continuously for what seemed like eight minutes.
It sounded like she was bailing out a sinking rowboat onto the
concrete theater floor. The weirdest part was that in an
incredible example of mob apathy, no one alerted the rent-a-cop or any
other movie authorities. We were all punished for our silence 20
minutes later, when the puking girl’s friend (who’d been calmly
watching the movie) suddenly dropped trou and started pissing
on the floor. She steadied herself with one hand on the seat
in front of her and took a seriously long drunk pee.
The whole time she was doing it, she was defiantly staring at the
people across the aisle from her. Then she went to sleep and started
snoring like a lumberjack. It was the weirdest thing I have
ever seen. When I finally told the usher what happened, he
looked to his partner, a good-looking African-American SPD officer, and
said, “Washington, it’s fun time.” The two reappeared
from the theater with two incoherent, vaguely Asian-looking
young ladies, both wearing summery white dresses covered in
vomit and urine. The movie was pretty good.”
SATURDAY, MAY 31 Nothing happened today.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1 The week ends with the first official Barack
Obama–free service at Chicago’s Trinity United
Church of Christ, from which the presumed Democratic
presidential nominee was required to resign after 20 years of
membership thanks to the problematic dramatics that continue to emanate
from its pulpit. Among the greatest hits of Trinity’s original drama
queen, Rev. Jeremiah Wright: crediting a furious
Christian God for 9/11 and crediting the U.S. government for inventing
AIDS in an effort to rid the country of black people. Obama’s response
was forthright: “It’s clear that now that I’m a candidate for
president, every time something is said in the church by anyone
associated with Trinity, including guest pastors, the remarks will be
imputed to me, even if they totally conflict with my long-held views,
statements, and principles. It’s not fair to the other members of the
church who seek to worship in peace, so our faith remains strong and I
suspect we will find another church home for our family.”
God that’s refreshing. Send Hot Tips to
lastdays@thestranger.com.
