MONDAY, JULY 14 This week of skin litter, evil oldsters, and
Link-induced luck kicks off with something so ridiculously amazing
we’ll refrain from naming it until after the next period. We’re
speaking, of course, of 86-year-old Peter Egner, aka the Would-Be
Nazi of Bellevue, whom federal authorities accuse of participating
in the mass murder of thousands during World War II. Details
come from the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Seattle, which alleges Herr
Egner joined the Nazis in German-occupied Serbia in April 1941, after
which he allegedly became part of a “mobile killing unit” that claimed
more than 17,000 victims. Most of the victims were Jewish men,
women, and children, who Egner’s unit allegedly took from a Belgrade
concentration camp, asphyxiated with carbon monoxide, and then dumped
in a mass grave. Today, Peter Egner will spend a final day puttering
around the Bellevue retirement community where he’s lived for the past
two years in relative anonymity. Tomorrow, the U.S. Department of
Justice will announce its move to revoke Egner’s U.S.
citizenship. “The Nazi unit in which Peter Egner is alleged to have
participated was responsible for countless deaths and unimaginable
human suffering,” said acting assistant attorney general Matthew
Friedrich. “By bringing this action, we again declare our unwavering
commitment to the principle that participants in Nazi crimes should not
be afforded the rights and privileges of U.S. citizenship.” Stay
tuned.
TUESDAY, JULY 15 The week continues with a story straight out of
The Golden Girls, if the Golden Girls had ever taken out life
insurance policies on hobos and then murdered them for profit.
Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies the killers as
75-year-old Olga Rutterschmidt and 77-year-old Helen
Golay, who were convicted in April of first-degree murder and
conspiracy to murder for financial gain for their impressively
diabolical scheme, in which they befriended homeless men, took out the
aforementioned insurance policies on them, then killed them in murders
staged to look like hit-and-run auto accidents. (The women also
collected $2.8 million before the ruse was discovered.) Today in Los
Angeles Superior Court, Rutterschmidt and Golay got their ultimate
comeuppance, as each was sentenced to life in prison without
parole.
••In actual Golden Girls news, one week from today
will bring the death of Estelle Getty. RIP Sophia.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 16 The week continues with a fine bit of ickiness
from Hot Tipper Jay. “Yesterday I played hooky to go to Wild
Waves with my boyfriend. Though it was a weekday, there were still long
lines on some attractions. While waiting for a slide with our inner
tubes, my boyfriend and I were snickering at the teenage couple that was full-on making out in front of us. I got bored of this
and started watching other people going down the slides, when I noticed
some flakes floating downwind. Knowing this wasn’t Christmas in
July, I looked up and realized that the girlfriend was scratching
off her boyfriend’s peeling sunburned skin and that this was what
had been floating into my hair and eyes. The sad part? We had waited so
long in line and were so close to the front that we had to stay, unable
to ‘peel’ our eyes away from the public grooming disaster happening
right in front of us.”
THURSDAY, JULY 17 In real news: Today congressional Democrats came
out swinging against the Bush administration’s draft proposal that
would require health-care organizations to hire people who refuse to
perform abortions or provide certain types of birth control in
order to be eligible for government funding. Blasted as “a dangerous
assault on women’s health” by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the draft
proposal also drew eloquent ire from Senators Hillary Clinton and Patty Murray. “One of the most troubling aspects of the
proposed rules is the overly broad definition of ‘abortion,'” wrote
Clinton and Murray in a letter to Health and Human Services Secretary
Mike Leavitt. “This definition would allow health-care corporations or
individuals to classify many common forms of
contraception—including the birth control pill, emergency
contraception, and IUDs—as ‘abortions’ and therefore to refuse to
provide contraception to women who need it.”
••In other shitty Bush news: Today in California, a
measure seeking to name a San Francisco sewage plant after President
Bush qualified for the November ballot. If passed, the measure
would magically transform the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant
to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant, giving the world a fitting
memorial to the president who flushed America down the toilet. If you
live in San Francisco, please vote yes on Proposition
Name-a-Sewage-Plant-After-Dubya.
FRIDAY, JULY 18 “Dear Last Days,” writes Hot Tipper Doug. “I
turned up late to tonight’s midnight screening of The Dark
Knight, which was sold out, so I was forced to sit next
to a
college-age kid who was clearly passed the fuck
out. This wasn’t the worst fate in the world, as someone that
intoxicated didn’t seem too likely to move or talk during the movie.
However. About 10 minutes into the feature I noticed he’d spilled his
drink and was in the process of soaking the feet of the people in front
of us. This became less amusing when I realized that he had no drink,
but was in fact pissing himself while passed out drunk in the middle
of a sold-out Neptune Theatre. After about a minute and a half of
steady urination, my friend got up and sought out the usher, who
eventually shook the man back to consciousness and convinced him to
leave. As the groggy man exited, he slipped in his own urine. The rest
of the movie was good, albeit slightly urine-scented.”
SATURDAY, JULY 19 Nothing happened today, unless you count the
thousands of citizens plunged into electricity-free darkness for
several hours today in North Seattle (thanks to a high-voltage
transmission line dropped by Seattle City Light crews), or the
thousands of bees that swarmed around cars this afternoon on the
New Jersey Turnpike (thanks to a man-made beehive dropped by the
side of the road).
SUNDAY, JULY 20 “Dear Last Days,” writes Hot Tipper Ryan.
“Today I was walking down Broadway and I noticed that Link [the
man who walks around Capitol Hill dressed as the character from The
Legend of Zelda] was walking just a few feet in front of me. I said
hi, he swung around like he was expecting me to give him a hard time,
and I said, ‘I read in The Stranger that it’s
good luck to see you.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ he countered in a semithreatening
way. ‘You wanna know why they call it The Stranger?’ ‘Why?’ I
asked, taking the bait. After he thought for 30 seconds, staring at the
ground and moving his lips, he said, ‘Because no one reads it! Yeah,
that’s why… yeah….’ I felt bad that he probably calls a lot of
negative attention to himself without meaning to. I couldn’t help but
also feel a tiny bit lucky.”
Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
