MONDAY, JANUARY 29 The week began with Hot Tipper Kevin, a “seasoned
New Yorker” fearing for his life during his first visit to our much-beloved
institution of hopeless alcoholism, the Rendezvous. “As our mulleted
waitress poured us liquor that we brought in ourselves, one of several bedraggled-looking
fellows who came in through the back alley door collapsed in front of the pay
phone (either in frustration or prayer); an enormous woman commented that my friend
had a ‘nice ass’ and proceeded to fondle the goods, while a big, burly guy with
a beard started making out with a young man at a nearby table. The evening came
to a nerve-jangling climax as a man came out of the bathroom wearing black leather
gloves and carrying a meat cleaver, underscoring Tina Turner’s ‘I Might’ve Been
Queen.'” Glad you survived, Kevin! And thanks for sending us that vivid and terrifying
reminder of why we love the ‘Vous so much.

··Also today, Reuters reported that investigators might have finally solved the mysterious 1995 disappearance of strident atheist Madalyn Murray O’Hair and her two adult children. After a plea bargain that would allow him to avert a trial on kidnapping and extortion, David Waters, O’Hair’s previous office manager, led authorities to three skulls and a part of an artificial hip joint in Camp Wood, Texas. O’Hair, known as “the most hated woman in America” after her successful 1963 lawsuit to have prayer banned in schools, once said that when she died, she did not want any “damned Christer praying over the body or even putting his hands on it.” It seems likely that O’Hair, who was killed, dismembered, then scattered to the wind for $500,000 in gold coins, got her final wish.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 30 Today, the entertainment website Mr. Showbiz reported that MTV’s monster hit Jackass, showcasing the masochistic
hijinks of daredevil Johnny Knoxville, is coming under fire for inspiring
13-year-old Jason Lind to pour gasoline over himself and have a friend set
him aflame. Despite explicit disclaimers nearly begging viewers not to emulate
the show’s stunts, the goofy teen attempted to replicate a segment in which
Knoxville put on flame-retardant protective gear, attached raw steaks to his
body, then lay across a flaming barbecue. While Last Days could easily make
a searing wisecrack about this unfortunate turn of events, we believe Jason
Lind’s distraught father summed it up best: “I don’t want another parent to
go through what I went through–when you see your son laying on an emergency
room table with his skin falling off, and he’s apologizing to you.”

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 31 Today Last Days was e-mailed a story purporting
to be from a newspaper called the Birmingham Sunday Mercury, recounting the story of George Turklebaum, a 51-year-old proofreader at a New York publishing firm, who quietly suffered a massive coronary and then
sat dead at his desk for five days before anybody noticed. Turklebaum’s
boss, Elliot Wachiaski, defended the oversight: “He was always absorbed in his
work and kept much to himself.” Sensing the possibility of an urban myth, Last
Days repeatedly asked our proofreader Melody to fact-check the story, but we
got no response from her very still and slightly cooling body. So we decided
to print it anyway.

··Also today, Reuters reported that Kelly Bennett, a plucky 18-year-old photo clerk, is responsible for preventing a Columbine-style bloodbath. After developing pictures of a well-armed young man posing with guns and pipe bombs, Bennett, the daughter of a policeman, felt nervous enough to call the authorities. Police arrived at Bennett’s store Monday evening just as the suspect, 19-year-old Al DeGuzman, was picking up his pictures. A search of his room at his parents’ San Jose home turned up a cache of weapons, more than 60 explosive devices, and a journal and an audio tape relating an “elaborate plan for mass murder'” at De Anza College in Cupertino, California. Predictably, friends of the little monster expressed shock. “Even though he was quiet and shy and made crossbows out of weird objects, I never saw him as being a dark and morbid individual,” said Noel Dittmar, a fellow yearbook editor at DeGuzman’s high school.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 1 Today Reuters reported that police in Kentucky are looking for a customer who succeeded in paying for a $2 order at a Dairy
Queen with a cartoonish $200 bill featuring a picture of George W. Bush on one side and an oil well on the other. The phony bill also depicted
the White House lawn with yard signs reading “U.S. deserves a tax cut,” “No
more scandals,” and “We like broccoli.” Astoundingly, the female cashier even
gave the prankster $198 in real money as change. When asked how the apparently
snow-blind or brain-dead cashier could possibly have mistook the bill for genuine,
police detective Bob Williamson said, “At a distance it looks like a real bill;
it’s got the green color.” Last Days would like the high-concept counterfeiter
to know that we are deeply, deeply in love with him.


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2 Today Reuters confirmed what the entire world has long
suspected about the fez-festooned members of the Shriners. On January
25, the tiny car-driving organization (immortalized on the cover of the Dead
Kennedys’ album Frankenchrist) organized a “Gentlemen’s Dinner” fundraiser for the sick children of Winnipeg, Manitoba. There, 300 prominent
businessmen watched two strippers cavort on top of a banquet table, where
several men groped at and engaged in cunnilingus with them. The fact that the
sleepy western Canadian city has been gripped by this “scandalous” non-event
just goes to prove that life without handguns must be very, very boring.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 3 Today Reuters reported that a machete-wielding
lunatic made his way into a Pennsylvania elementary school on Friday,
injuring five kindergartners, two teachers, and the principal before staff members subdued him. The suspect, William Michael Stankewicz of Johnson City, Tennessee, was charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault,
and possession of a weapon on school grounds. The injured children were treated
for minor cuts and released, but the wounds of 41-year-old principal Norina
Bentzel were so severe that doctors whisked her by air ambulance to a Baltimore
hospital specializing in the burgeoning field of reconstructive hand surgery.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4 Today, even more severed hands! The Associated
Press reported that fed-up surgeons in Britain have lopped off the troublesome
mitt of the world’s first hand-transplant patient. Following his September
1998 transplant operation, Clint Hallam infuriated his medical team by
disappearing for months at a time and refusing to follow essential drug treatment,
which inevitably led to his body’s rejection of the offending appendage. Hallam,
who had said he one day hoped to play the piano, lost his first right hand in
a chain-saw accident while serving a two-year prison sentence for mail
fraud in New Zealand. Amputation, stubborn kiwis, and tormented musical
longing–is it our imagination, or is this the plot of The Piano?

Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tip hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.