If you're reading these words, two things are undoubtedly true: (1) The legal right of apostate sodomites to engage in a travesty of the sacred bonds of matrimony has been vouchsafed by the highest court in the land, and (2) I am spinning in my otherwise comfortable grave.
Congratulations, etc. You have desecrated the Constitution to an extent that outstrips the framers' most fevered imaginings. Bully for you.
The question remains: What blessed institution will you ruin next?
I may be dead, but that doesn't mean I take my duties as your public editor any less seriously. Keeping up with the developments at your misbegotten dog trainer hasn't been easy (you think Comcast sucks up there, try getting wi-fi six feet underground), but if Bill Hearst taught me anything, it was tenacity. In addition to your so called "marriage" victory, you've also succeeded in legalizing marihuana, saddled business owners with a $15 minimum wage, and succeeded in electing a socialist to the city council. Cool job, as my great grandson was fond of saying.
As you know, I'm no fan of internet commenters, but I was struck by the words of one JonathanLivingstonNazgul69, who wrote: "Once you can do bong rips while sucking each othrs dix in a church at yr own wedding, whut r u faggots going to writ about?" Expletives and portmanteaus aside, his (?) point stands. Now that your years of incessant harping about so-called civil rights has paid off, what are you Bolshie heretics going to never shut up about? A few suggestions: Pornography, though increasingly acceptable, is not yet compulsory. I'm sure Mr. Savage could rally his troops around that swaybacked hobbyhorse. I also understand the ownership of property has not yet been outlawed—do I smell a special issue? And speaking of special issues, now that you can buy pot on any street corner, when will The Stranger finally get serious about every school child's sovereign right to heroin?
These are, of course, just notions. I'm sure Keck's cabal of poltroons will have no trouble finding some new pet cause to stump for before the water wars begin in earnest. Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy the liberties you've fought so hard to wrest from the cold, dead fingers of the American project. As that old queen Henry Luce once said, "I'm sure Sodom and Gomorrah was a grand old party, too."
Never forget: I'm watching you.
A. Birch Steen served as ombudsman of The Stranger from 2001 to 2012. He died of a stroke upon learning that associate editor Eli Sanders had won a Pulitzer Prize.