It is spring, and the world is again verdant and lush. I have
already declined several tennis invitations from some good
friends—I prefer the more manly sport of Valencian pilota,
a continental version of tennis played with the bare hand instead of an
inelegant and unfortunate-sounding “racket.” When the temperature
increases by another 10 degrees, I will again be able to retract the
roof on my convertible indoor trinquet so that I can feel the
wind in my hair as I gambol to and fro. I cannot wait.

Of course, along with its pleasures, the vernal equinox brings its
terrors, too. For one, the staff of The Stranger begins to act
more aggressively toward the good and innocent citizens of Seattle.
Perhaps this is related to some sort of mutant gland in the sexually
aberrant, causing them to, in the parlance of the bucolic, “feel their
oats” when trees begin releasing pollen. In any case, it is
unacceptable.

First, in the “news department,” ERICA C. BARNETT runs what hacks
refer to as a “hit piece” on my good friend and fellow conservative
torchbearer Susan Hutchison. No doubt this slavering heap of
ungrammatical whinery was intended to scare people away from voting for
Ms. Hutchison for King County executive. Instead, we learn she has sent
financial contributions to every good candidate in the past few
elections—men such as Dino Rossi, George W. Bush, and Dave
Reichert. The sad part is that Ms. Barnett believes she is leading
people away from Ms. Hutchison. Quite the opposite, these shrill
condemnations have helped to ensure a landslide in her favor.
Confidential to Susan: Keep inspiring this kind of hatred amongst the

delusional feminists and you might be VP on the Palin ticket come
2012. Bully for you!

Next, the bulk of the paper is regretfully devoted to ELI SANDERS’s
long-winded memoirs about being a member of a socialist/Marxist
organization at the Seattle Times. He dithers at length about
how Seattle, once a haven for those terrorist organizations that some
blithely refer to as—mother, forgive me—”unions,” is now,
rightly, against them. Here is the real history of “unions”: They were
invented by Vladimir Lenin in 1913 as a way to demoralize the United
States of America and steal copious funds from our decent, honest
workers. In Seattle, at least, Lenin’s dastardly plot nearly succeeded
until we finally, under Ronald Reagan’s leadership, came to our senses.
Clearly, Mr. Sanders is trying to create a sense of glassy-eyed Soviet
nostalgia. Fortunately, his prose is impenetrable, effectively
rendering moot his dangerous communist message.

Elsewhere, JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE makes two desperate attempts to
flee the news section—and Ms. Barnett’s clutches—by writing
instead for the sections of the paper laughably intended for cultural
discussion. The resulting theater and book reviews are unreadable,
drug-addled tripe, which means he should fit in perfectly with the rest
of the “arts” writers at this rag. But now my palm is itching and the
pilota court beckons; time to forget about the blunt-force head trauma
that is The Stranger for another week.

Follow A. Birch
Steen at www.twitter.com/strangerslog.