No doubt due to rapidly declining advertising revenues (at least
some people heed my column), this week’s fish wrapper is
composed almost entirely of the “Strangercrombie” catalog. My darling
grandniece Castina informs me that the confusing name of this auction
is a play on the name of an ancient retail chain that went out of
business several years ago. In other words, this charitable auction is
named after an old, unfunny joke. Which makes it perfectly dubbed,
since The Stranger itself has been telling the same old,
unfunny joke since its inception in 1991.
Let us take a gander at this Strangercrombie, then. The photographs
alone cause instantaneous recoiling in horror—this perversion of
the time-honored, innocent, and dulcet “12 Days of Christmas” involves
scantily clad women, men, and some that appear to dwell (entirely
unnaturally) in between. It is, for all intents and purposes,
pornography. And what is this pornography intended to peddle? Among
other things: devices intended for the express purpose of sodomy,
elected officials who have been brutalized by The Stranger‘s
newfound (and surely fleeting) political power into taking part, and
gallons of that wheaty, frothing poison that Joe Blue-Collar so
lovingly refers to as “beer.” I understand that this auction is
intended to help local charities, but I am forced to ask
you—before you consider bidding on any of these tools of
fornication and other devilry—to reconsider. You are giving fish,
willy-nilly, to people who should be taught how to cast their rod and
reel to the oceans. Trust in the trickling down of capitalism’s honey.
Eventually, Seattle will be a better place for it.
In between the few advertisements that The Stranger managed
to muster for this week’s publication, you will find a few “stories”
scribbled by desperate pretend-journalists. I say to you again: Just
ignore them. As with an angry red rash, your attentiveness will only
inspire more agitation. We do not want more irresponsible “I Blame
Society” pieces like the one ELI SANDERS manages to slap together about
the alleged shooter of the Lakewood police officers. Mr. Sanders, your
shameful crocodile tears for the “system” that would allow this to
happen make my stomach churn. Do you have an unpaid intern change the
names in this tired old piece that you drag out at every opportunity,
or do you do that heavy labor all by yourself?
Journeying further into damnation, we discover that DAVID SCHMADER
has written a sappy farewell letter to a homosexual pornography shop at
which he was once employed. Apparently, you can purchase pornography on
the intervision now, and this has endangered smut shops everywhere. Boo
and hoo, Mr. Schmader. And DAVE SEGAL tries to strum the heartstrings
that have already been rubbed raw by Strangercrombie by writing about
some coffee shop’s attempt to create its own welfare state within the
confines of its walls. I remain, as ever, unmoved. 
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Somehow Dee gets a role in M. Night Shyamalan’s newest
film—and I bet the surprise twist is that she doesn’t.
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE
Debut! The eight “guidos” descend on New Jersey beach and
immediately compare ab size and armpit stains.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4
9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
In this two-hour episode, Echo and Bennett (Summer Glau) have a
surprising (and hopefully sexy) reunion.
9:00 USA MONK
Series finale! Mr. Monk hunts down Trudy’s killer in the last
episode of this fun series.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5
11:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES
Gina Gershon, Potsie from Happy Days, and Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson
get ghostbusted.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6
8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE
Season finale! The winning team lands (and subsequently blows its
winnings) in Vegas.
9:00 SYFY ALICE
Part one of a two-part retelling of Alice’s Adventures in
Wonderland—except this Alice is a master of martial arts!
Haaaai-YAH!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 7
8:00 ABC SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN
The best of the Rankin/Bass creepy-wooden-puppet specials featuring
Mickey Rooney and the Winter Warlock!
10:00 TNT MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE
Debut! The horrible lives of fortysomething men, starring Ray Romano
(who apparently no one likes anymore).
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8
8:00 NBC THE BIGGEST LOSER
Season finale! The finalists return for one more weigh-in to see who
wins $250,000 and a doughnut. (Don’t eat it! IT’S A TRAP!!)
9:30 SYFY OUTER SPACE ASTRONAUTS
Debut! In this sci-fi sitcom, the military invites newly arrived
aliens over for a pizza party that goes horribly wrong.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9
9:00 FOX GLEE
Season finale! Quinn’s pregnancy threatens the glee-tards’ chances
at winning sectionals! PANIC!!
10:30 A&E STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
After arresting a young criminal, Seagal accidentally keeps snapping
femurs at a children’s cancer ward.