I’m a man who recently started seeing a wonderful woman. Like me, she’s divorced. While my ex-wife left me for another man, my girlfriend’s ex-husband was controlling and abusive. Our relationship is the opposite—emotionally, psychologically, and sexually.
Here’s the thing: His abusive behavior is my kink—spanking. In all my past relationships, spanking was light, playful, and consensual; with her ex, it was about pain and humiliation to the point of tears and bruising. She understands that my motivations around spanking are completely different from her ex’s, but she has zero interest in anything approaching fetish play—and that’s fine, because I feel so connected to her that I don’t need my kink indulged to feel fulfilled. But I find myself feeling guilty for having the kink in the first place. The thought of her enduring what she did brings me to tears. How do I get past this?
Lacking A Clever Acronym
If your girlfriend’s ex-husband had manipulated or bullied her into vaginal intercourse—if he had repeatedly and brutally raped her vaginally during their terrible, awful, no good, very bad marriage—would you feel guilty about an interest in consensual, vanilla, missionary, penis-in-vagina intercourse? No. You would hopefully have reacted in a similarly compassionate manner, LACA. You would have been willing to stick to oral, mutual masturbation, and whatever else your new girlfriend was comfortable exploring and capable of enjoying. And you would have looked forward to the day when she felt ready to enjoy sensuous, consensual, and mutually pleasurable vaginal intercourse again. And if that day never arrived, well, then perhaps you would have been willing to forgo vaginal intercourse for the rest of your life to be with her.
But you wouldn’t be sitting there feeling like some sort of monster for being aroused by—and for having enjoyed—consensual, vanilla, missionary, penis-in-vagina intercourse with other women.
Your willingness to drop your harmless kink is evidence that your priorities are in order, LACA, your heart is in the right place, your cowboy hat is white, etc. Any time you start feeling bad about your kink, just remind yourself that consensual kink isn’t abuse for the same reason consensual vaginal intercourse isn’t rape: Because it’s consensual. You can love this woman, LACA, and make this relatively small sacrifice for this woman (spanking ain’t vaginal), without having to shame yourself or retroactively define all your past spanking experiences as abusive.
My boyfriend of five years had a one-night stand with a much younger woman. In some ways, it’s a good thing—we’re having conversations we should have had a long time ago, he’s seeing a therapist to deal with his issues (his idea, not mine), and somehow I know more than ever that I want to be with him (I’ve always been the one in every relationship with one foot out the door). Two questions:
1. I’ve started to worry about looking older, and it’s been devastating to know that not only did he cheat on me, but that he did so with a much younger woman. He assures me he’s attracted to me, but how can I believe that now?
2. The younger woman sent me—and other people in our lives—an explicit, lengthy e-mail detailing everything they did. (I hate to paint this as “bitchez be crazy,” but sometimes bitchez be crazy.) It’s not how I found out, but it certainly hasn’t helped. Ironically, our sex life has only gotten better since I found out exactly what they did—it turns out that we are both far more GGG than the other ever knew. But sometimes we’re in bed, and I’ll flash on something she wrote and the vivid mental images her letter cooked up in my head, and it sears me. Dealing with that pain out of the bedroom has been hard enough. It’s devastating that it’s now with me in the bedroom as well. How can I deal with this?
Salve It, Please
1. LTRs are only possible if we’re willing take “yes” for an answer. He says yes, he loves you, and you will yourself to believe him; he says yes, he’s having sex with you because he’s attracted to you, and you will yourself to believe him; he says he strayed and is sorry and swears he won’t do it again… and you will yourself to believe him. And while the passage of time makes monsters of us all, SIP, it can strengthen a sexual connection even as sex itself becomes less important when weighed against everything else your LTR is or should be about. In the words of singer-songwriter Tim Minchin: “Love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of shared experience and synergy and symbiotic empathy, or something like that.”
2. Angry cheated partner: “You did what with that person? I would’ve done that with you! And I have kinks and fantasies, too, you know!”
Contrite cheating partner: “I was afraid to ask you to do that! I was afraid you would hate me—wait, you have kinks and fantasies? What are they?”
Conversations like that one are why affairs—if the relationship survives the betrayal—sometimes kick-start a couple’s sex life. With all the kink-and-whatever-else cards on the table, the couple starts going at it like they have nothing to lose—because in that moment when breaking up is on the table, they actually don’t have anything to lose.
As for those troubling mental images: The passage of time is your body’s enemy on the physical-perfection front—and his, too—but it’s your best friend on the searing-mental-images front, SIP. The more time you two spend doing, enjoying, and perfecting X, Y, and Z sex acts, the more X, Y, and Z becomes about you two and your connection. As you take ownership over X, Y, and Z, and over each other again, the mental images will come to you less often, they’ll be less vivid, and gradually they’ll cease. Give it time.
A letter in a recent column was from a guy who’s trying to figure out how to get into gay BDSM. You suggested some advice from a gay BDSM blogger—Ben In Leather Land (tinyurl.com/bensten)—and it was awesome. Do you have any suggestions of similar blogs for women into BDSM?
Looking Lady
Sex writer/blogger/thinker/haver Tristan Taormino, who is publishing a new book about BDSM and kinky sex (The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge), recommends fetish icon Midori’s column in SexIs magazine (tinyurl.com/edenmidori) for women who are just beginning to explore kink.
HEY, EVERYBODY: We’re seeking sordid and tragic stories of holiday sex for an upcoming episode of the Savage Lovecast. Ever been caught having sex at Mom and Dad’s over the holidays? Ever put a “For Grandma, from Santa!” card on a wrapped box that contained a sex toy you bought for someone else? Did your older brothers stick your vibrator in the tree before a Christmas party, and you had to leave it there because reaching into the tree to remove it would only attract attention to it? Call and record your story at 206-201-2720! Please keep it under three minutes, if at all possible!
@fakedansavage on Twitter
Re@131: if you think we all are victims, you clearly haven’t been reading. I, at least, am an ex-victim; and others here will say likewise.
Maybe you’ve been lucky and never been a victim — though, if you’re also @148, that doesn’t seem the case.
(In fact, if you are @148, this means you also were an abuser, and managed to move on. Good for you — I know others who did the same. It indeed is possible, precisely for the reasons you mention: you’re no ‘evil monster,’ but a person in your own journey. In fact, neither are (most) pedophiles or child molesters, or even serial killers, despite popular belief. Which of course doesn’t change the status of their victims, or of the victim you abused emotionally, 148: they were all harmed (in your case, harmed by you). Your history of as an abuse victim is also — alas! — quite common, and may have something to do with why you emotionally abused your victim. The ‘problem of evil’ and our attitudes toward it are indeed a complicated question).
@147
As someone who lacked the capacity for CBT, and is trying talk instead: thank you for sharing.
@156, curiously, I do think that’s part of it, yes.
Ankylosaur–just sent you a long, somewhat rambling, hopefully coherent email.
Mr Ank – Actually, it seems as if we have somehow by accident arrived on different parts of the same page, which is good enough for me. It was very good of you to write at such length. I had a thought about ice cream flavours prepared, but it seems unnecessary.
@156: Hunter78: Boy, ain’t THAT the !@*?ing truth?
Erica, “marriage is about accepting each other’s apologies and sharing orgasms” – love that. Definately a quote that should be saved in an all time Savage quote book….
@162 bagel: I agree, except that can’t the word “love” be substituted for “marriage” and work just as well?
I’m just saying, for the benefit of all of us who are happily unhitched.
@162 bagel: I agree, except that can’t the word “love” be substituted for “marriage” and work just as well?
I’m just saying, for the benefit of all of us who are happily unhitched.
Sorry about the double post!
Erica
Sort of off topic but I notice that in the previous week you mentioned something along the lines of my list not falling under the catagory of affecting future life options? (Or something like that)
I’d suggest discouraging a daughter from going as far as I did, if you can. I came out on the other end of it with virtually no negative effects but there’s a few reasons for that.
1. Dedication to condom use.
2. Rainman-level ability to judge whether a person will be a danger to me.
3. Drug tolerance (imagine the surprise one has when they try to roofie a petite teenage girl and it doesn’t make a dent!)
4. Pure. Dumb. Luck.
Anyone can have #1 if you educate them (and I’m sure you do!), number #3 is also acheivable by most (but is it a good idea?)… #2 and #4 though, you can’t bet on those.
If I have a daughter one day I would hope that she’d be more careful than I was – even if she does inherit my spidey senses.
166 Mydriasis– Most can achieve drug tolerance to roofies? More detail, please.
Absolutely.
Roofies was a generic slang term. I didn’t have a mass spec on me at the time but I recognized the feeling.
Traditionally it’s used to mean rohypnol which is the famous date-rape drug of choice (just kidding! That’s alcohol). Rohypnol is a member of the benzodiazepine family which also includes lorazepam (ativan), diazepam (valium), and alprazolam (xanax) (if I’m remembering those names right from memory) as well as a number of similar drugs used to treat anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia. Tolerance to benzodiazepines is not at all uncommon and is one of the reasons they’re considered to have an ‘abuse potential’ and typically not prescribed for long term, daily use. If one had a tolerance to a member of the benzodiazepine family (say they liked to take ativans to get high) then if someone slips them a typical dose of say, rohypnol, it will have a MUCH smaller effect than the would-be date-rapist would expect.
Kind of like that alcoholic that can pack away shots without showing the slightest bit of intoxication.
Erm… let me be clear. I’m not suggesting this as a protective method to anyone.
LACA: I commend you for your empathy towards your GF. I have been in several situations slightly similar to this one when my vulnerability was taken advantage of to the fullest. During the time that I was trying to “adapt to my partners’ needs” (yes, plural), it seems that it has slowly taken a piece away from the real me. Now the downfall to this is that I no longer realize who I am…just always “adapting” at a cost.
Please continue to respect your GF’s feelings. And if she is ever willing to “adapt” to your kinks, make sure she is emotionally ready for such a drastic change in her life.
Never broken beyond repair 😉 🙂 .
@151. I work in human services and I see the data. Kids are best off in a two parent happy home. I would not stay with my husband only for the sake of the kids — that violates the happy part– but they are my primary incentive right now. I have followed your story here and my situation differs from yours in important ways that exacerbated the damage done by the infidelity: he lied to me multiple times when I asked for the truth about his relationship with her and never confessed. I had to find out the truth for myself. He used our children as a means to further his affair. He continued his connection with her for several weeks after I discovered the truth. Trust has been so eroded as to outweigh any feelings of affection or love right now. If we didn’t have three kids I would have a hard time understanding why I would even consider spending time with someone who is capable of hurting me like that. I know that I would eventually be fine without him. But because I will have a lifelong relationship with this man as the father of my children, I want to see if there is a chance we could work it out. I don’t want to have regrets that I didn’t try.
@170: It certainly feels like it.
@171 – You have all my sympathy. I was used as an unwitting accessory to adultery when I was a child.
@ 172: I’m sorry for your pain.. Seriously. I know it’s hard to believe now that you will one day be happier, but it *will happen*. It takes time… Just do the best you can to phase out any element of your life that only brings you down… It can be people, substances, environments that make you feel less than.. In lieu of that, you can always just take a lil’ vacation inside your own head and begin tuning out anything boring, painful, pointless, noisy or whathaveyou.
Eventually, you will start putting everything back together where you’re in a good place again.
I’ve been there, man: I’m not spouting some irksome Pollyanna-ish nonsense or any of that. I’ve had quite a few periods in my life where I felt like you did, that I too was ‘broken beyond repair’. Once you get tired of how the quality of your life gets diminished by feeling blue, you’ll surprise yourself by finding the fortitude to eek onward and help yourself to feeling better.
I’m rooting for you. Hang in there. Life’s too short to suffer senselessly for any reason.
Good luck ‘broken beyond repair’.
Cheers & Peace.
@173: how did you process that as an adult, once you were fully aware of what happened and how you were used? I have my older children (ages 13 & 11) in individual therapy now. I don’t want them to feel guilty or as though they could have prevented it. They may be angry with their father but I can’t prevent that. (I am angry with him too!)
@ 175: Best to you for your journey towards healing with your children. I’m sorry to hear that happened to you all.. Hang in there.
Sad in Chicago, my husband’s parents split up after one cheated on the other, and it was a terrible situation. However, all three of the kids are doing fine and now have their own successful, happy marriages and kids. The parent who was cheated on was miserable for a while, but eventually recovered, remarried, and is happier than ever. So although you’re in the middle of the storm right now, I wanted to let you know that people do survive it and do go on to be very happy later.
@168 mydriasis: Lorazepam?? That’s used to treat Parkinson’s!
LOVE Tim Minchin! Everyone should listen to him, he’s so funny. Good call Dan.
@5 EricaP: Yes!
@6 (echizen_kurage) etc: Please read response #10 very carefully. In particular, the fact that you confuse “could benefit from therapy” with “should be punished” grievously harms people who need therapy but who are kept away by idiots who confuse therapy with punishment.
And in all fairness, if X stays in an abusive relationship, X DOES deserve some blame. Blame is reasonable when one makes a mistake (unless one is American, apparently). Are you saying that people who stay in abusive relationships are not making a mistake? Are you saying that just because they are being hurt they cannot possibly bear any responsibility? Do they deserve punishment? NO! But calling “X needs help” victim-blaming is not just moronic, but also counterproductive.
Spank me Daddy! mysexlifewithlola.com