Savage Love

I just turned 20 and have
been out of the closet for a year. A lesbian friend wants to hook me up
with her gay friend, let’s call him Kyle, a cute, fit boy who runs
track and does theater. The issue is, he’s just 17 and starting his
senior year in high school, while I am entering my junior year in
college. The age of consent where we live is 16. I realize the age
difference is not too big, but he is technically still a minor.
I’m only mildly experienced (I’ve had just one boyfriend), and I’d like
to think I’m a nice guy.

Are there certain things to keep in mind
besides the usual respect and honesty, or should I treat this as any
other potential meeting? Does the “campsite” rule apply with such a
small age gap?

Man In Need Of Recommendation

Meet the boy.

If you hit it off, MINOR, it would be a
shame if you didn’t allow Kyle to benefit from your wisdom, experience,
and cock just because he wasn’t born 12 months earlier. And if you
start going steady—which is what kids used to do before hooking
up ruined everything—and he’s out to his family, I would
urge you to meet his parents. They might not be entirely comfortable
with their son’s sexuality, and meeting the college boy who’s boning
their son might be awkward. But if you go out of your way to reassure
them about your intentions toward their son—above and beyond
boning—they may feel a bit more at ease about the
relationship.

As for the campsite rule—”leave him in
better shape than you found him”—others have pointed out that the
rule should apply regardless of age, sexuality, species, etc. I agree,
of course, but I still believe that older, wiser, and more experienced
partners have a special responsibility to leave their sex partners in
better shape than they found them and should be encouraged to make a
special effort.

I’m 35, gay, and in a
six-year relationship. My husband—not really, but I call him that
anyway—is 38, and we have a great relationship. We have been
monogamous up till now but are open to inviting select others into our
bed. This was prompted by a friend we recently made whom we both find
attractive and who has expressed an interest in us both. He is 24,
cute, and just starting out in Gaydom. We don’t expect anything
long-term, just a nice, mellow friend-with-benefits scenario.

Any suggestions as to issues we might
want to discuss up front?

Good Gay Guys

Tell the 24-year-old not to expect anything
long-term, GGG, and let him know that while you will be treating him
like a piece of meat, you will also be treating him like a human
being. Make sure he understands that his presence in your
lives—and your bed—is meant to be fun and temporary. You
two get to spice it up with some strange; he gets to benefit from
your wisdom, experience, and cocks. And tell him that while he’ll have
a blast with you two, he shouldn’t pass on a date with a potential
boyfriend—but so long as you three are
friends-with-benefiting-it-up, you would like to be informed about any
other sexual contacts he might have.

Then show him the ropes, teach him about
sexual safety, encourage him to open up to you guys about anything he’s
ever wanted to try, help him find his place in Gaydom, and when it
comes to an end—as it will and should—make an effort to
remain friends.

I am a gay male. A couple
of months ago, I developed a friendship with a gay married couple. We
hit it off great—I really enjoy their company. Then they took me
aside and “invited” me into their marriage, and so now I’m in one of
those “polyamorous” groups. I have never been in one before.

I thought I would be able to open
myself up to both of them, but for some reason I
can’t seem to feel love for them both at the same time. I’ve always
seen myself as a strict-monogamy kind of guy. I thought a three-way
would be fun, but when I’m with two guys, I feel like I’m just a piece
of meat. I would like some advice, if you could, please. I feel
inadequate because I can’t feel comfortable in this
relationship.

Feel Like A Prude

So… after knowing you for two
months, this couple essentially proposed to you, inviting you “into
their marriage,” and you accepted. Hmm. Exit this marriage at once,
FLAP. Not because you’re a prude—clearly you’re open to trying
new things—but because at two months, they were idiots to propose
and you were an idiot to accept.

Backing up: Trying something and not liking
it doesn’t mean that you’re a prude, FLAP, it only means that either
“it” wasn’t for you or you tried “it” with the wrong person(s). I
suspect the latter in this case. If these guys, after two months, had
invited you to hang out with them, to roll around with them, to drop by
twice a week for a leisurely spit roasting, I suspect you would’ve had
a better experience, FLAP. Inviting you over to be treated like a piece
of meat—and a human being—would’ve been honest. You
couldn’t be a husband and in love with both of them equally at two
months. Their unreasonable expectations, and your attempt to live up to
them, ruined what could’ve been a nice little affair.

I’m a gay dude who has been
trying to find an all-natural and organic lube. The only one my hubby
and I liked was a brand called Bliss, but alas, they stopped making it.
When I try to look online or at the local co-op, the only all-natural
sex lubricants I can find all say something to the effect of “closest
possible to a woman’s natural vaginal fluids.” I have two problems with
this. Problem number one: eeewwwww. Problem number two: When I
have sampled these just-like-vaginal-fluids lubes, they seem very thin.
A healthy bout of anal sex needs something with a bit more viscosity.
Is there an all-natural lube out there that doesn’t quickly dry out and
washes off easily? Some friends keep suggesting vegetable oils, but I
don’t want to have to wash off my junk with Dawn after sex.

Lubing Up Butts Environmentally
Safely

“Not that vaginal juices are
eeewwwww-ey,” says Rachel Venning, cofounder of Babeland, one of
my favorite sex-toy shops. “But I don’t want a jar of them on my
nightstand either. I want something that stays slick longer, like
packaged lube.”

Babeland makes its own organic lube, a
water-based lube called Naked that’s thick, latex-safe, and good for
butt play. “It comes in totally ungendered, nonplastic packaging,”
Venning adds, making it perfect for squeamish-about-girl-bits fags like
you and me, LUBES. “Another new brand of organic lube to try is Sliguid
Organics Gel. There is a teeny-tiny women’s symbol in the logo, but if
that isn’t too much of a turnoff for this man-loving man, it’s good
stuff.”

Vegetable oils aren’t condom-safe, of
course, but if you and your partner are seroconcordant and having anal
sex with only each other, Venning suggested “some natural unguent from
the beauty aisle—shea-butter balm or the like. Not as slippery as
lube but lasts longer.”

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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This article has been updated since its original publication.