I am a queer lady in my 20s. My boyfriend and I recently discovered that we are both into BDSM. We started with some light bondage and spanking, added some role-play, and are moving toward some heavier stuff. I’ve spent some time reading online BDSM erotica, and here’s what’s stressing me out: I tend to gravitate toward stories that include age play (underage girls with older men). I think pedophilia is wrong and disgusting, yet I get off on the stories. I can’t stop feeling like I’m a huge pervert. Also, what is a good way to introduce the idea of age play to my boyfriend without sounding perverted? Is age play perverted?
Feeling Like A Pervert
You’re already doing BDSM, FLAP, so it’s a little late to start concerning yourself with what is and isn’t perverted. I’m not saying that BDSM is perverted—it isn’t in my opinion—but the kind of people who obsess about the supposed perversity of other people’s sex lives regard BDSM as hella perverted, as the kids were only too recently saying.
All you need to concern yourself with, FLAP, is consent—obtaining consent before anything goes down, maintaining a state of consent once things get going. So are you a consenting adult, FLAP? Is your partner a consenting adult? Yes and yes? Then you’re free to do whatever the hell you want in the sack—and that includes pretending that one of you isn’t a consenting adult.
Adults can safely and ethically explore through fantasy and role-play things that we wouldn’t (because they’re wrong) or couldn’t (because they’re impossible) do in reality. A nice girl who would never dream of ever actually owning a human being can pretend to own a sex slave without having to forfeit her “nice girl” status; a decent guy who would never commit the crime of rape can pretend to rape a partner with rape fantasies without having to forfeit his “decent guy” status. The same goes for age play, FLAP.
As for telling the boyfriend about it without sounding perverted: Sorry, FLAP, can’t help you there. It’s going to sound perverted—and sick and wrong—because the scenario you want to explore is all kinds of sick and wrong. Just own it when you tell him about it: “I know this is crazy and fucked up, but these stories really turn me on.”
My best friend is a good-looking, professional young man with a conservative sensibility and traditional values. Recently, one of his married coworkers (a bright and sexy young lady) has been pursuing him. I’ve met her personally, and she’s a very cool girl. Confident, socially graceful, and fun. She is currently in the process of legally separating from her husband, who over the last year or so has completely cut her off sexually.
My roommate wants no part of a sexual relationship with her while she’s married. Even if she does separate, he is worried about being a rebound. I’ve told him to wait until she’s separated, but then to go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? And she’s a cool person who will be scooped up by some lucky guy if he doesn’t move now.
Dude In Seattle
Let me see if I follow: If this woman were unmarried and unattached, DIS, your friend with the “traditional values” wouldn’t have any problem fucking her? A point of order: When did premarital sex become a “traditional value”?
I don’t care if your buddy fucks this woman or not. (He should; lots of rebounds turn into wonderful and lasting relationships.) I’m just curious how we got to the point where anything goes—premarital sex, oral and anal sodomy, multiple marriages (hey there, Karl Rove!)—for heterosexuals and nothing is a violation of “traditional values” so long as the fornicators are straight. An unmarried straight man with shit on his dick and three different women’s pubes in his mouth can claim to have a “conservative sensibility and traditional values”—how’d that happen?
As for your friend, DIS, I’ve known a few guys who went on and on about how attracted they were to a woman and how much they wanted to fuck all of her orifices and eat her pussy until she turned inside out but they couldn’t have hot, premarital, heterosexual sex due to some technicality that violated their traditional values. All of those guys eventually came out. Just sayin’.
Could you wax philosophical for a paragraph or two, Dan, about a column from a few weeks ago? I want to know what makes Sexually Frustrated Fetishist’s preference to involve feet in sex morally preferable to his partner’s preference not to do so? Why is her insistence on her preference “selfish” while his insistence merely reflects his “sexual fulfillment”? More generally, what’s the reason for your tendency to side with the person who wants to do x, even to the point of encouraging infidelity, over the person who doesn’t want to do x, when the more intuitive answer might be “Gee, maybe you guys just aren’t sexually compatible?”
Skeptical Erotic Compromises
I don’t always side with the kinksters, SEC. I’ve sided with women who didn’t want to cuckold their husbands and with straight guys who didn’t want to have same-sex contact during a threesome. I encourage people to be good, giving, and game (GGG), which only requires us, as I’ve explained, to consider our partner’s reasonable sexual requests. I’ve never suggested that any and all sexual requests must be fulfilled.
I’ll wax now: The odds that any one of us will wind up with a partner whose sexual interests align perfectly with our own are essentially zero. Since no two people are a perfect fit sexually, SEC, both partners must engage in a good-faith give-and-take to craft a mutually satisfying sexual repertoire that doesn’t leave either person feeling resentful or badly used. Does everyone get everything they want? Nope. But each of us has a right to put our needs out there and a concurrent responsibility to meet our partner’s needs if at all possible. And each of us should have the sense to pull the plug when the sexual disconnect is too great.
As to what makes SFF’s request reasonable and his girlfriend’s refusal unreasonable, SEC, it comes down to just what is being asked of the nonkinky partner. All SFF is asking is for his girlfriend to kick off her shoes and allow him to treat her feet the way another man might treat his girlfriend’s breasts. It’s not too much to ask, and an unselfish lover wouldn’t regard it as too much to give.
HEY, EVERYBODY: I’m hosting a special performance of Xanadu at the Paramount Theatre on January 20. It’s a fundraiser for Equal Rights Washington. Benefit tickets include seating on the main floor and admission to a special afterparty at Chapel with cast members following the performance. Trouble Dicso’s H.M.A. will be DJing, and there will be appetizers and a no-host bar. Tickets are $99, and every cent goes to ERW. To purchase tickets, go to thestranger
.com/XanaduTix. Xanadu is a great (and sexy) musical, ERW is a great organization—please join me at the show!
Dude in Seattle’s roommate/friend is right to avoid an affair with a lady who is not only married, but a coworker. If he’s so damned handsome and wonderful, he can probably find great sex and even love with people without those two HUGE entanglements. Avoiding the drama sounds smart to me.
“This has set a precedent that possession of any depiction of underage sex, including a scene in Neil Gaiman’s Sandman sequence Doll’s House and the entirety of Lost Girls by Allan Moore may be subject to jail time.”
Amazon.com sells “Lost Girls” (for the low low price of $29.70) and the sellers of child porn are even more liable than the possessors thereof. You really think Amazon.com would risk criminal penalties for the sake of a few more cents of profit on a relatively obscure non-bestseller?
The PROTECT Act gets around the First Amendment by requiring that the computer-generated or hand-drawn depiction of a child engaged in sexual activity be *obscene* (because the First Amendment does not protect obscenity) and lacking “serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.”
Dude in Seattle, major red flag alert, how do you know the woman’s husband cut her off sexually? She told you? She told your friend? What type of a person tells co-workers and acquaintances such a thing? Survey says: DRAMA QUEEN. Your friend sounds wise to stay away from work/married/TMI dramachick.
Dan, you neglected to mention to FLAP a way to ease into ageplay. Schoolgirl scenerios are very commonly accepted and it’s easy to attend or host a perfectly “normal” party with fun teacher/schoolgirl theme… You’ll have your answer when the afterparty is over 🙂
Eek – disagree about the feet. It would be one thing if the non-kinked partner were being asked to just do something he/she doesn’t have any preferences for or against. But if there’s a bodypart a person decidedly does NOT want to be involved in sex, then I think the selfish person is the one who tries to insist on it. When the choice is between foregoing something pleasant and imposing something unpleasant on your partner, you’re selfish if you choose the latter.
I was getting hot and heavy with a very young man of 20, who, just before actually having penetrative sex, wanted me to jerk him off using my feet. Yep, a one time sex encounter asked me to jerk his dick with my crusty dogs. I flat out told him, “you seriously don’t want my feet touching your genitals because I’ve had a serious toenail fungus for months now.” I showed him my blackened toe nails and he didn’t seem bothered. No, thanks. I did tell him that he may want to learn how to actually have sex with a woman and lay off the foot porn because if he was only 20 then he’s got a long, lonely road of not being able to connect with others sexually. Before anyone pipes up with the dreary “he just has a foot fetish and he’ll find someone, blah, blah, blah” just remember that if a guy can’t even entertain the notion of having sex with a woman without NEEDING his dick beat off with a foot and he’s only 20, he IS limiting himself sexually AND alienating most of his partners. Who cares about the foot thing, it is the rigid “I can only get off THIS WAY” that is the issue.
I didn’t have a second meeting with this guy because there wasn’t any point. He wasn’t prepared to just enjoy sex for the sake of being with another human being. Personally, I find it all very dull. How unimaginative do you have to be to HAVE to “church up” something that has so many variations of pleasure just in the act itself. People do like their dramas, that’s for sure.
36
“I get a hum and a sigh and a half assed foot rub that he ends up hating and in turn makes my feet feel absolutely no better”
I guess your frequent, enthusiastic blowjobs done regularly were not enough to convince him to rub your feet afterwards or before. Hmm? What is that? You did not give him a BJ for every footrub?
Ahem. Well. I suppose he could just spend your money on sex workers to get them, right? No biggie.
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You’ve managed to cobble together a scenario from nothing! WTF… There’s not even a mention of this woman’s sex life, just about her tired feet. Where in the world do you bitter little boys come from? Geesh! There’s no need to project your piddly “problems” on to other people. Your post was really pitiful. If you’re so sexually frustrated then try to get a life and STOP OBSESSING about what YOU want.
Let me guess, you nag EVERY girlfriend you’ve ever been with or maybe you are/were married and have managed to alienate your wife/partner/whomever by constantly nagging her for blowjobs. I’ll bet you’re also the sort of man who makes “jokes” about “a woman’s place” in the world, all the while DEMANDING that every woman you meet “sucks your dick.”
Yea, you’ve made yourself clear.
“DIS’s friend doesn’t seem gay. I would run for the hills, too, if a married co-worker reveals they haven’t had sex for a year. Nothing worse than a horny co-worker that likes to share that information. And doesn’t mind this information being shared with the universe.
This woman is doing the pursuing. Most woman don’t do that kind of thing. Unless this DIS is very wealthy.
This is improbable but maybe DIS is being ‘played’. Maybe she’s got her ‘soon to be ex-husband’s’ permission to start a relationship so they can take his money.
I’ve heard of this type of thing happening. Not saying this is what’s going on with DIS but it would be wise of him to be on his guard.”
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Say what? ALL of the above is extremely doubtful….