I’m a straight male college student in a relationship, which had been going great. The only incongruity was that, for a religious reason, I don’t want to have penetrative vaginal sex before marriage. I’m up for anything else—I would eat her out, piss on her, whatever else—but not vaginal sex. I made this clear at the beginning. My girlfriend started bringing up how she wanted to have “actual” sex. I told her, “I love you, and if you need to fuck other guys, go for it.” To my relief, she was offended by the suggestion.
A week later, she confessed that she had slept with someone. I feel like I can’t trust her now, and I can’t bring myself to sleep in her bed anymore. I feel like a hypocrite, since I brought up the idea of her sleeping with someone else in the first place. But I was unprepared for the reality, since she berated me for making the proposal at all. Still, I told her to do this. She regrets the hookup. I don’t know if I’m even asking for advice. I just wonder if I’m acting childishly.
Wishing Ancillary Fucking Felt Less Emotionally Ruinous
Your dilemma is interesting, WAFFLER, but you know what I’m more interested in? I’d really be interested in finding out which particular faith tradition frowns on penetrative vaginal intercourse before marriage but smiles on eating pussy and piss scenes and okays women having vaginal intercourse before marriage so long as they’re having it with guys they don’t intend to marry. That sounds like a church I’d like to visit. Hell, that sounds like a church I should be tithing to.
Look, WAFFLER, doing everything-but-sticking-your-dick-in for religious reasons is deeply silly. If you’re going to be in a sexual relationship, be in a sexual relationship. I promise you that any God who frowns on fucking-pussy-before-marriage also frowns on piss-play-before-marriage and eating-pussy-before-marriage.
As for your dilemma, WAFFLER, either you need to find a girlfriend who wants what you want—or doesn’t want what you don’t want—or you need to stop playing bullshit games and start fucking the girl you’ve got.
To say that I have recently been bored at work is a gross understatement. I have turned it into an opportunity to read all the archived Savage Love columns I can find on the internet, which has led me to three questions:
1. Your advice has always been sassy and matter-of-fact, but it seems to me that your advice is becoming less acidic as time passes. How has your attitude toward the sex-advice business changed over the years?
2. Why don’t women brag about their clit size?
3. Are you still into Ashton Kutcher or do you have a new fantasy flame?
Your Devoted Reader
1. I get a lot of mail from people telling me I’ve changed. Half write to tell me that I’ve become an insufferably bitchy sacky twatty cunt prick, and half tell me I’ve gone soft, I’m too nice, I’ve lost my edge, etc. Not sure what to make of that.
2. Clits aren’t inserted into anything—not typically—so a big clit doesn’t earn a woman any bragging rights. And a small clit, harder to locate and harder to stimulate, is nothing to brag about either. And while the clit—all of it, not just the exposed part—is central to a woman’s sexual pleasure, it’s not the showiest part of a woman’s package. That would be the labia. And it’s not the part a man is most interested in. That would be the vagina. So while the clit is hugely important to her, it’s not necessarily all that important to him.
3. I still admire Ashton Kutcher’s work ethic—the man is an acting, producing, tweeting machine—but my crush on Ashton evaporated halfway through the first episode of Punk’d. My current celebrity crush is Bill Hader as Stefon on SNL‘s “Weekend Update.”
I have recently started dating a sexually adventurous man. He is the first person to successfully fist me, and it’s fantastic. When I orgasm, I squirt. Lots. Afterward, the sheets are soaked and I’m in a puddle. We’ve put towels down, but the sheer volume of liquid soaks through them. Without towels, it soaks all the way through to the mattress. I’m not super-pleased about ruining my mattress, and the postcoital sleeping on very wet sheets is not ideal.
I don’t really want to sleep on a plastic-wrapped mattress and change my sheets every time we have sex. Does anything exist that’s super-absorbent that I could put down during sex, or even something that might go under the sheets to at least protect the bed?
Wasting Endless Towels
The bed is a nice place to sleep, a good place to read, and an obvious place to fuck. But you can have sex elsewhere, WET, and you can acquire just-for-fucking furniture/furnishings without going to hell with the vaginal-before-marriage crowd. Go to a sporting-goods store and pick up a large, folding wrestling mat. Store it under the bed, WET, and when your sexy time involves fisting—and hopefully you’re not fisting every time you have sex—GET OUT OF BED, pull the mat out, throw some towels down, and fist and squirt to your heart’s content. Then when it is all over—all over the towels, the mat, the floor—you’ll be able to crawl back into your warm, dry, comfortable bed.
HEY, EVERYBODY: Jason Robinson is—was—the football coach at Mandarin High School in Duval County, Florida. He was fired last month for sending “adult-oriented pictures” to a student. Robinson didn’t send the pictures to one of his students, but to a 20-year-old college student who is his girlfriend. The mother of Robinson’s girlfriend found the pictures on her daughter’s phone and forwarded them to the principal of the school where Robinson worked and scores of other people.
“We hold our teachers to a higher standard,” principal Donna Richardson told reporters. “They’re in front of our students. They’re talking with our students. They’re teaching our students how to become good characters.”
This is sex-negative bullshit. Robinson is a consenting adult; Robinson’s girlfriend is a consenting adult. And what consenting adults do on their own time—and with their own cell phones—is no one’s business but their own.
Savage Love readers stuck up for Constance McMillen after she was victimized by the homophobic morons who run her high school. Now we need to stick up for a straight high-school coach being victimized by the sexphobic morons who run his. Send an e-mail to Donna Richardson at richardsod@duvalschools.org. Let Richardson know that she is in the wrong. And let others know to let her know.
AND: Apparently, Steve Jobs isn’t such a prude after all. The Savage Love iPhone app is now available on the iTunes store.
@200
I don’t particularly like defending Mandarin High School. Though they didn’t break the law, they took private information about the coach’s sex life and determined that he should not have his job any more. It crosses an ethical boundary that I myself would not cross. Let’s stop to ask why they did it.
Maybe you’re right and the principal is just a total “beee-yatch” who likes to throw her weight around. Maybe it was a short-term move to placate the 20-year-old’s unhinged mother and prevent a shitstorm that would have lasted maybe a year and probably have no effect on the school in the grand scheme.
There’s a third possibility. Mandarin High School could have decided that having had someone bring the coach’s proclivity for younger women to their attention would prove to be catastrophic down the road if he ever DID do anything illegal or in violation of his contract, like, oh, sleep with a high school student. The public would see a pattern, whether it was there to be seen or not. Think that scene in Jaws (“You knew! And you kept the beaches open anyway!”) I imagine Mandarin High School didn’t particularly want to know who the coach was banging or how or why and would have been perfectly happy not knowing. But the mom went ahead and told them. And in this day and age, knowing is enough. We don’t just go after pedophile priests. We go after the men of the cloth who fail to turn them in. We don’t just go after senators for sending their aides dirty IMs. We go after the Speaker of the House who tries to cover it up.
Are any of these examples particularly analogous to Jason Robinson? No, not really. If he did wind up sleeping with a high school kid, it would be because he chose to break the law presumably for the first time. From a law and a public policy standpoint, the one will have nothing to do with the other. But this is the age we’re living in. Outrage over an unrenewed contract doesn’t outweigh the possibility of a predatory coach who you “knew” about it but kept employed anyway. That’s kind of just reality.
Should Mandarin High School have taken the risk? Sure, in my opinion. Should they have been legally bound to take the risk? That’s a tougher question, and not nearly as straightforward in my mind as whether Constance McMillen should have been allowed to go to prom in a tuxedo with her girlfriend.
Precisely. Just because it was illegal didn’t stop the mom and do you really think any jury in Florida that included parents would convict her. The parents would be more likely to give her a standing ovation. Can you say jury nullification (i.e. O J)
Say he was a PE teacher (many coaches are), how many nerds would sell their souls (or unused parts of their anatomy) to be able post the pictures on the Internet and the smarts not to get caught at it. So much easier to upload something anonymously than do a hack. Gee look what I found on the net. Or ones the GF dissed in high school or college.
@ 22 – i totally agree about any kind of sexual weirdness increasing with the passage of time (i speak from experience). Religion aside, if the bf is not fucking her NOW, he will find all sorts of excuses after they are married to not fuck her. She should move on. BTW, I know of no religion that ok’s all sex except penetration. WAFFLER must think we just fell off the turnip truck yesterday.
To do with the teacher-student relationship, they should have known that theirs was a “special” type of relationship, so they also should have known that sending dirty pics over the internet is a no-no between a teacher and ANY student. That being said, still, a person’s cell phone is their own property, not the property of a nosey mom. The nosey mom had no right to snoop, and even less right to forward the pics to anyone! I don’t understand why people don’t use phone codes (locks) on their cell phones so that no one else can access their phone. That said, the mom is in the wrong, for sure.
Although the following story is not precisely the same situation, it’s good the coach wasn’t in S.C. where they apparently take things far more seriously.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37589451/ns/…
What’s great about the WAFFLER one is imagining what is going on inside his head. What does he think is going to happen once he finds a bride and penetrates her vaginally? Jesus is going to jump out of her vagina with multi-colored pinwheels blowing in the wind with a marching band to serenade them both? I don’t get that at all. Religion.. I think that the only “religion” this cat is worshipping is the kind who prefers not to dabble in vagina. But then, it’s different for everyone, isn’t it? It makes me sad that others will bend to the will of others at the genuine expense of their own soul. You are what you are, and some people cannot, or won’t, accept that. Even in and of themselves as they more or less condemn you for not fitting their vision of who you should be. Religion just destroys people more than they realize. The WAFFLER guy should find a Jesus lick-on tattoo (or create one) and put it on his current chick of choice. If he should settle down with a beard, I mean, a broad 😉 , then he can opt for a permanent memento of her newly-minted and christened Jesus Pussay! Go with The Devil and get some dick WAFFLER! Jesus said it was a good idea. I just got off the phone with him. He sends his love 😉 .
@120: Gloria: I agree: @92 ROCKS!!!!
in my teacher’s contract, i’m not allowed to be with someone under the age of 21, because that is the oldest one of my students could technically be. i wonder if their contract has anything like that?
I am currently dating and about to dump a WAFFLER. He eats pussy, he fingers, gets head but thinks saving his penis for Jesus will bring him closer to heaven.
I have doubted myself more in this relationship than any before. 3 years later, I have had so many sexual “breakdowns” that I put myself more at risk with a virgin than if I had just dated someone else.
I suggest he find a woman who is more compatible with his choice and let her find someone who can fulfill her needs.
I also think men like this only get worse and less able to perform as they age.
People’s interpretations of religions are so twisted.
sounds like WET needs a roll of brawny……u know the quicker picker upper
Yes! Stefon! “Human bath mats… It’s that thing of when midgets with dreadlocks lay face-down on the floor!”
Thanks for the heads-up, Dan; I have just sent a SUPPORTIVE letter to Principal Donna Richardson. Ms. Richardson, as well as the outraged parents, are to be commended for refusing to knuckle under to the way today’s sick “hook-up culture” is spreading downward — BY EXAMPLE! — to our high schools and even our middle schools.
It is true that Coach and Grrrltoy “did nothing illegal” — FOR CONSENTING ADULTS — but people who work with kids on a daily basis can (and IMO, must) be held to a higher standard, beacuse until young people develop their own stable moral framework (typically in their late 20s) it’s all too often simply monkey see, monkey do. It is highly unlikely that Coach would have been fired for this behavior had he been an auto mechanic, a chef, an industrial designer, or any other occupation that does not directly and with regularity impact the social and moral development of our young people!
@71: “It doesn’t matter whether or not mommy pays for college. She has no right to snoop through her daughter’s phone. She lost that right as soon as daughter dearest turned 18. If my mom would have done something like that I would have found my own way to pay for college and told her exactly where to go.”
What planet did you grow up on??? Obviously not this one, where “My house, my rules” is S.O.P. You say, with pride, that you’d have left your mother’s house and supported yourself if she had “invaded your privacy” in this fashion. In the words of Amy Alkon: GROW UP AND GROW A PAIR. The time to leave and support yourself is when you’ve decided that in the near term you thoroughly intend to do things contra House Rules. Doing prohibited things anyway on the DL, then waiting until you’re busted to storm out in high dudgeon, only proves you are/were still too interpersonally immature to live on your own anyway.
(p.s. I am a teacher/mentor of gifted & talented teens and young adults, a position in which one MUST lead by example, even when that means forgoing entirely — both on AND OFF the job clock — a good many of the more exotic adult pastimes. Anyone who can’t stand to make that simple sacrifice should pick a different career already!)
on the clit size thing; the horrific (to me) thing is that in the US if your doctor believes that your daughter’s clitoris is too large at an early age they’re likely to refer you to a pediatric urologist for clitoral reduction surgery ;-( There’s an ethics case in the making with one consultant who tests the results by bringing the girls back annually to see if they can feel various forms of stimulation.
http://www.thehastingscenter.org/Bioethi…
For squirters who don’t want to drop the cash on a Fascinator Throe: waterproof plastic drop cloths, normally used for protecting floors and furniture while painting, are about 3 bucks for a pack of three at the hardware stores in my area. You make the bed with a fitted sheet, slap one down, put another cheap fitted sheet that you don’t care about messing up on top, squirt to your heart’s content, then peel the wet sheet and drop cloth off and go to sleep on a nice, dry sheet.